Title: More
Author: rose_the_hat
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: R
Words: 10,200-ish in 2 parts
Warnings: None
Summary: In which Jensen has a sexual identity crisis.
Notes: Sequel/timestamp to Enough. You don’t necessarily need to read it to understand this one, but it might help with the background.


***Special thanks to alexisjane for looking this over for me. And etoile_etiolee for the lovely banner. Y’all rock!***






Jensen’s alarm rips him from sleep. It takes him half a dozen times to silence the fucker. He has no inclination to get out of bed, but no inclination to stay in it either, not without Jared to cuddle with. The quality of his sleep has gone to shit since his misunderstanding with Jared a couple of nights ago. The only contact he’s has with him was via a heartbreaking text the morning after.

Im sorry I hope u can 4give me

Upon reading that Jensen had tried to call, but Jared wasn’t answering. In a way he’s relieved because Jensen has no idea what to say. He can’t find a way to bring order to his chaotic thoughts.

Jensen sits up and stares at the carpet for several long moments, willing himself to start his routine. He needs advice, someone who has been where he is, who can give some insight, help him make sense of his contradictory feelings. He remembers the Ace support group. They had been a great comfort when he was struggling to understand his lack of desire and attraction. When he first found out there were others like him it was such relief. He wasn’t some freak for not having sex on the brain 24/7. Maybe they can help him again. Feeling slightly more optimistic he heads in to take a shower and start his day.

Over the last several months Jared has become such a fixture in Jensen’s life. He’s not sure how to function without him. Now there are no good morning kisses (morning breath be damned, although Jared usually tastes minty fresh) and cuddles. Those are a much better way to wake up that a damn alarm blaring. The bed is cold and lonely without Jared to keep him warm. He keeps coming across Jared’s things in his apartment as well: Jared’s toothbrush, Jared’s shampoo, Jared’s goofy “I Wish I Was A Unicorn So I Could Stab Idiots With My Horn” coffee mug, and Jared’s shirts. It’s almost a relief to leave the apartment, but it’s no better at the shop. Everywhere he looks reminds him of Jared. Jared helping him with inventory, the display of King books, the mystery section, or the Song of Ice and Fire series. It’s pathetic. He’s pathetic. He knows he should reach out to Jared, try harder to contact him, but doesn’t feel able to until he sorts through his own emotional and sexual issues. If he doesn’t he doesn’t think their relationship will be able to move forward.

Showered and dressed, Jensen puts on a pot of coffee. While waiting for it to brew, he boots up his computer. He opens a browser and heads to the Ace support group. The site layout has changed but he finds his way to the forum easily enough. He starts a new thread, explaining his situation and his confusion as best he can. By the time he’s done with his post so is his coffee. He fills his thermos and heads out the door.

Mornings are never very busy at the shop. For the most part, Jensen uses the quiet to do his accounts, order new inventory, and track down special orders. Jensen doesn’t deal in old or rare books, but he has cultivated a loyal clientele, and if one of them asks for something special, he is more than willing to try. If he can’t find the book or feels out of his depth, he’ll refer them to someone better suited to the task. For the most part people want first editions or specific copies of editions they remember from their youth. Jensen likes hunting them down, truth be told; like a scavenger or treasure hunt. The prize at the end is the smile on a satisfied customer’s face.

His first customer is Mrs. Carmody. She gives him a toothless smile and shuffles along with her walker to the true crime section. She’s older than God but her mind is still sharp as ever, Jensen hopes he should be so lucky. As Mrs. Carmody is leaving, having bought books about Jack the Ripper, The Black Dahalia, and JonBenét Ramsey cases, an African American couple comes in.

“Rick, Sterling,” Jensen greets, feeling a little pang as he observes their joined hands and the way they lean into one another.

“Jensen,” Rick Worthy-Brown’s smooth, deep voice is tinged with eagerness. “Do you have these books on the adoption process?” He hands Jensen a list of books printed from the internet.

Jensen exhales in a sharp surprised burst as he takes the paper. While it’s too early to even think about anything in that direction with he and Jared, it does make him think of Jared. Everything makes him think of Jared. Christ, it’s only been a couple of days and he misses him so damn much. “Adoption?”

Sterling and Rick nod. “We’ve talked about it for awhile now and with our marriage legally recognized in all states, it seems like the right time,” Sterling says. “Adoption will probably be an uphill battle, but we’ve been fighting all our lives. What’s one more?”

“Anything worth having is worth fighting for,” Rick says.

“Well, best of luck to ya. You should find these titles either in the legal or self-help sections. You need anything specific let me know and I’ll get it for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Will do.”

Business picks up mid-morning and into the afternoon. A steady stream of bookworms buying Kootnz, Grisham, Twain, Steel, and Salinger pass through. Jensen chats with them all, making sure to give them his attention, and the personal touch that seems so important in an impersonal world. Rick and Sterling end up buying four books, three on the adoption process, two of them geared toward LGBT couples, and a copy of And Tango Makes Three.

It’s nearing lunch when Jensen spots Jared outside of his shop. His heart flips and his stomach follows. Jared looks as forlorn and miserable as Jensen feels. His face is dark with stubble and he has circles under his eyes. He’s wearing plain blue scrubs instead of his usual bright colors and cute patterns. Jensen’s throat closes up. He takes an abortive step forward, intending to go to Jared and try to talk to him, but words fly from him like dandelion fluff in a breeze, and he sort of staggers in place. Jared looks devastated by the action. He bites his lip, nods stiffly, and rushes past the shop with his head down and shoulders hunched. Jensen isn’t sure of a whole hell of a lot right now; but one thing is does know is that he needs to figure his shit out because it’s not only himself that’s hurting. He’s hurting Jared, too.

Goddamn it. Jensen turns back to his computer, minimizes his spreadsheets, and opens a new tab on his browser. He immediately heads to the Ace forum to check the replies to his post and wishes he hadn’t. Some commenters fight amongst themselves and threads devolved into name calling. Some are people are downright rude.

AceofSpades: If you want sex you are NOT ace!!! PERIOD!!

KittyPuff: Sex is disgusting. When I look at people doing it, I have absolutely no idea how they find pleasure in it.

Asexy: If you do it, feel some kind of pleasure, or you even initiate the act, please get out of this site, ur not assexual.

Others are condescending.

Techrat: there is more than one type of asexuality. Oh and fyi, Sex is gross and just an exchange of body fluids with no actual reason behind it(except for reproduction).

Some question whether Jensen should even be involved with Jared because he identifies as asexual. Jensen wonders if they might be right; if this incident is a harbinger of future difficulties.

EdgarAllanNope: I honestly think it is a VERY bad idea for an Ace (if that even is what you are OP) to be in a relationship with a sexual person. I can understand an Ace person wanting to marry for intimacy, in which case you should probably marry another asexual. Sexual people place such a high priority on sex. If you marry someone who is sexual and you don't have any interest in sex you are pretty much depriving your loved one of something they need out of the relationship. That ain’t healthy.

Others only add to his confusion.

PrettyBlueButterflies Try to explain how you feel if you want to, people might be able to help you find the right label that describes it the best.

windanser: If you won't have sex because your uncomfortable then it's not because your asexual, it's because your uncomfortable, insecure, or afraid. Asexual people don't have sexual feelings for people AT ALL. There is a HUGE difference between the two.

Eloise: Getting sexually aroused doenst mean sexual desire is there, too.

Daisylove: DESIRE and ATTRACTION aren’t the same! Also, sexual feelings =/= sexual desires =/= sexual urges =/= sexual attraction.

After reading that Jensen doesn’t know up from down anymore. If he had thought he would find clarity and compassion from the internet he had been a damn fool. Not only is he more confused than ever, there is an undercurrent of shame pulsing through him: shame for feeling desire for Jared and wanting to have sex with him, ashamed of the times he jerks Jared off or lets Jared rut against him until his boyfriend comes. Maybe he isn’t Ace at all. Or if he is maybe he’s…a bad one and shouldn’t even use that label which leaves him with no sexual identity. He closes his computer and puts his head in his hands, near tears from confusion and frustration.

“Hey, Jensen.”

Jensen lifts his head to see that Colin has come in and laid some purchases on the counter, a couple of Moleskin notebooks and…a copy of A Game of Thrones. Jensen can’t breathe for a moment. That book brought Jared into the store, into Jensen’s life, and gave him something he thought he’d never be able to have. He hears Jared’s laugh, hears him going off on tangents about his batshit theories. He remembers Jared asking permission to start a club meeting in the store. It helps nothing that Colin bears a resemblance to Jared himself with his dewy eyes and bright smile. Suddenly everything is too much. Jensen wants to bolt but there is no one to run the store for him.

“Jensen?” The young man’s brow furrows and he fixes Jensen with a concerned expression. “You all right?”

Jensen struggles to hold himself together. “Fine.” The word wrenches itself free from Jensen’s constricted throat. “It’s been a long day.”

“Know anything about this book?” Colin asks as Jensen rings him up. It’s an innocent inquiry but Jensen is strung tight right now; he does not need a mini-Jared with a goddamn Game of Thrones book asking him anything.

“Everybody dies.” It comes out harsher than he intended but he doesn’t have it in him to make excuses. He just needs this day to be over.





It’s nearing midnight and Jensen has been tossing and turning for the last hour. The day started wrong and just got worse. He was out of coffee and he spent the day in the shop snapping at customers and making half-hearted apologies afterward. When he got home it was to find that an upstairs neighbor’s pipe had burst and leaked water all over his entertainment center. Everything was ruined. His renters insurance will cover it, but its rigmarole he doesn’t want to deal with right now on top of everything. Jensen wanted to crawl into a hole and pull it in after him. He settled for crawling into bed.

He stares at the bright blue numbers on his clock. Watching as 11:56 became 11:57 calculating how many hours of sleep he could get if he falls deeply asleep right that moment. He recalculates when 11:57 became 11:58. And again when 11:58 became 11:59. This is not helping. He turns over, away from the numbers and shut his eyes tight. Willing himself to relax and sleep, but it was so hard without Jared and even worse with all this uncertainty surrounding their relationship. Jensen refuses to believe they were broken up. Neither he nor Jared has said those two final words: it’s over. This was just a rough patch, and Jensen was fully aware it was on him. He has read through more responses to his post on the Ace forum but it was just more of the same.

His eyes snap open when his phone begins to play The Rains of Castamere, he had changed to that to better fit his mood as of late. He turns back over and reaches for his phone. He wants it to be Jared, but it isn’t. It was his best friend Jason. Jason. Shit. Jensen feels a little foolish that he hadn’t thought to reach out to his friend and ask him for some advice to begin with. Jensen supposes he’s just been too lost in his own pain and confusion that he was shutting everyone out, but he is glad to see his friend’s name and pic on the screen. He swipes to answer.

“Jackles!” Jason’s customary nickname makes Jensen smile. “Guess where I am, dude.”

Jensen can hear chatter and faint music in the background. There’s really only one place the musician would be. “A gig in a bar?”

“Not just any, bar. I’m downtown at the Double Wide.”

“You’re in Dallas? Shit, man, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Jensen sits up and swings his legs off the side of the bed.

“Because we didn’t know until a little while ago. The real band they wanted cancelled so they called us to fill in.”

“Hooray for being second choice,” Jensen says, smiling his first genuine smile in nearly a week.

“We take what we can get. Anyway, the rest of my guys have places to crash, I however, have no accommodations.”

“You better get your ass over here, son,” Jensen drawls, his accent thickening. It had been far too long since he had seen his old friend, not since he blew into town for the Christmas holidays to see his folks. Jensen can use a fresh perspective from someone he trusts, someone who knows his particular situation.

“Well, hell, you twisted my arm. See ya in a few!”

“And bring some Shiners!” Jensen shouts and ends the call.

Jason arrives twenty minutes later with a couple of sixers of Shiner Bock and an outrageous full beard.

“Damn, dude. You went native or something?” Jensen says as he gets a gander of his friend. He takes the offered beers and sets them down. Jason gives him a tight, back-slapping hug before entering the apartment.

He strokes his beard. “I think it gives me a stately air.” He saunters over to the couch and falls back onto it with a sigh.

Jensen pulls two bottles from the case and hands one over as he sits next to Jason. “I think it gives you a redneck air.”

Jason pops the caps on their brews with the bottle opener on his keychain.

“Good to see you again,” Jensen says. They clink the necks of their bottles together and each take a long drink.

Jensen smiles at his friend but Jason doesn’t return it. He scrutinizes Jensen for several long moments and Jensen shifts under the weight of the stare.

“You look like shit,” Jason says baldly. “What the hell is wrong?”

Jensen doesn’t have the wherewithal to fight. “I fucked up or I am fucked up. I don’t know.” He exhales and scrubs a hand across his lower face. Stubble scrapes across his palm. Had he shaved that day?

Jason sets his beer on the coffee table. “Better start from the beginning.”

Jensen takes a long pull off his beer before launching into the story, trying his best to put the jumble of confusing thoughts into words. It feels good to finally be talking about it. Jason sips his beer and listens, doesn’t interrupt, and gives Jensen time to find words when he stumbles. When he finishes he feels a bit exposed. He is in his thirties; a man his age does not have an identity crisis.

"So what if you want sex?” Jason says in his typical blasé fashion. “You love Jared and want to be close to him."

Jensen slumps. He had been sure Jason would be able to help him, always has before. “I knew you wouldn’t understand. Maybe I’m not explaining it right.” He pauses, gathering his thoughts and trying to formulate his problem in a way a sexual person can understand. “Okay, think of it like this. You've been attracted to women all your life, only had sex with them. How would you feel if you suddenly were attracted to a man?"

Jason crosses his ankle over his knee, sinks deeper into the sofa and takes a sip of his beer. “Initial freak out probably, but I'd go with the flow. That's what you should do. Go with the flow."

“I’m Asexual! I’m not supposed to want sex! But I do and if I’m not Ace then I don’t know what I am!”

Jason looks indifferent to Jensen’s turmoil. “Who the hell said you can’t want sex because you’re Ace? Sexuality is not black and white, dude. No one but you can define your sexuality. And no one but you can say how you express it. You wanna have sex with Jared sometimes? Rock on with your sex-havin'-self. You don’t? That's groovy too. But, dude, I’ve known you since we were, what, twelve I don’t think that’s the real reason you’re freaking out.”

Jensen feels something like clarity wash over him. Leave it to Jason to cut through the bullshit, and get down to brass tacks. He never identified as strictly Asexual. He had always maintained he fell into the Gray Ace category. The whole reason behind his freak out wasn’t because he had wanted to have sex. It was because he didn’t want to lose Jared because of it. All this time he’s been focusing on the wrong thing. Jensen licks his lips, and gathers his thoughts.

“The night I freaked out,” Jensen begins slowly. “It wasn’t because I wanted sex, I mean that was part of it, but the big part was that I don’t wanna, like,...give Jared false hope that a switch has been flipped in me and I'm suddenly gonna want sex like he does. It’s not like that for me.”

“What? You think Jared doesn’t know that? You’ve been up front with him from the beginning. If he wanted to walk, he could have before now. You have to trust him, trust that your relationship is strong enough to withstand your different sexual needs. It has so far, right? And when was the last time that happened?”

Jensen bows his head as everything becomes clear. Jared has always been happy with the little intimacies they have. He doesn’t ask for more. He doesn’t push. In Jensen’s previous relationships he’s had sex with his partners to appease them. He doesn’t have to do that with Jared. Maybe that kind of love, that safety, was what Jensen needed in a relationship before he could feel sexual desire. Desire comes with arousal and only on occasion. Moreover, his attraction to Jared isn’t sexual. It’s his humor, his intellect, his goofiness, his eyes and his smile. He doesn’t look at Jared and want to jump his bones, he looks at Jared and feels warmth and affection and love. So, yes, Jensen is Asexual; that is the label with which he feels most comfortable, but that doesn’t mean he can’t, on occasion, enjoy making love, even get pleasure from it, but that is secondary to the closeness and intimacy of the act.

Jensen lifts his head after a few moments of quiet introspection. He turns to look at Jason. The bearded man is grinning.

“Got it figured out now?”

Jensen nods, answering Jason’s grin with one of his own.

“Good. Now, if I have solved your sexual identity crisis, can we please get drunk and not talk for the rest of the night?”

Jensen is on board with that.





When Jensen wakes up the next morning—a little hungover but not too bad—he feels more secure with himself than he has in years, and definitely than he has since he first got involved with Jared. He knows what he has to do: see Jared. They are both miserable and Jensen can put an end to it.

Jason is snoring loud enough to wake the dead on Jensen’s sofa. Jensen shakes his head as he heads into the bathroom to shower and shave. He dresses carefully, choosing a pair of black skinny jeans and a green Henley. He spikes his hair, knows he’s doing things to make himself deliberately sexually inviting and he’s okay with that. Jared is a sexual person and Jensen wants Jared to find him attractive. Then he heads over to Jared’s apartment. His stomach feels as if there are bats fluttering in it but it’s a good feeling, anticipation and excitement. He takes the elevator to the third floor, fidgeting with nervous energy.

When the elevator doors part on the quiet hallway, Jensen steps out and jogs to Jared’s door. He straightens his clothes and clears his throat before he raps sharply three times on the door. He flexes his fingers and shuffles from foot to foot as he waits for door to open. A few heartbeats later he knocks again. No response. Jensen sighs. He’s worked himself up for this that the option that Jared wouldn’t answer the door or not be home never occurred to him. He thought that Jared would be home alone and miserable, like Jensen. He checks his watch. Quarter after seven. Too early for the animal clinic where Jared works to be open but late enough for Jared to be up.

He extracts his phone from his pocket and shoots Jared a text.

We need 2 talk

He waits, keeps an ear to the door but hears no sounds of activity inside Jared’s apartment. Jared must not be home. Jensen supposes a heartbroken Jared may not have wanted to stay in an apartment that reminded him so strongly of Jensen and sought shelter with a friend. Jensen wonders about Butters and Twilight. Jared isn’t the type of pet owner to leave his animals alone for extended periods of time. If Jared is temporarily staying with a friend he probably took his kittens with him. With a resigned sigh he turns and leaves.

As he’s unlocking the shop his phone vibrates in his pocket. He gets the door open and pulls out his phone. His stomach plummets when he reads the text from Jared.

k.

Jensen’s brow furrows. K? That’s all? Maybe it’s already over in Jared’s mind. The thought makes Jensen queasy. If it is over for Jared Jensen has no one to blame but himself. With his angsting and shutting Jared out what else was he supposed to think?

Jensen’s thumbs hover over the touchscreen keyboard, trying to formulate a reply that doesn’t sound needy or desperate. He still has his pride, after all. When nothing is forthcoming he rolls his eyes, tucks his phone away, and prepares to open the shop.

Throughout the course of the day Jensen’s head snaps up and over to the door every time someone comes into the shop. With so many customers (he’s grateful for every single one, but the only person he wants to walk through that door is Jared) Jensen is pretty sure he’s given himself whiplash. As morning turns to afternoon, turns to early evening Jensen gives up on Jared coming by the store.

After his last customer leaves—Samantha, an aspiring mystery novelist who buys several books on forensic science and police procedure—Jensen closes and locks the shop. He grabs his phone again and shoots Jared another text.

I need 2 talk 2 u

He waits a few minutes for a reply but nothing seems to be forthcoming. With a sigh he resolves to swing by Jared’s apartment again after he counts the day’s receipts. As he’s finishing up, there is a soft knock on the glass. Jensen’s heart leaps into his throat. He knows its Jared.

He swallows hard, gathers his nerve, formulates his apology and orders his thoughts. He turns and sees Jared appearing grim and resolute, like a soldier going into a hopeless battle, standing on the sidewalk with a medium-sized cardboard box in his arms. Again, he’s dressed in plain blue scrubs. His hair looks clean but lank and there is a couple days beard growth and the bruises under his eyes are darker. Guilt gnaws at Jensen. He’s responsible for that. It’s past time to fix this, fix them.

He steps from behind his counter and throws the lock on the door. Even if Jared does look brittle and careworn he’s still Jared, and Jensen is elated to see him. The smile on his lips dies when Jared thrusts the box toward him.

“This is all the stuff you left at my apartment. I washed everything and….” His voice trembles there and his shoulders slump.

Jensen sets the box down. “That's not why I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk...about the other night."

"No, Jen, you don’t have to say anything. We had something great and I ruined it. I overstepped. I pushed you and took more than you want to give. And I am so sorry.”

"Jared, stop!” Jensen cries. He can’t take anymore of Jared's apology and self-recriminations. He reaches out and grabs Jared’s wrist and pulls him into the store. He flips the sign from Open to Closed and locks the door. "I'm the one who should apologize."

“No, you don’t,” Jared insists. “I was trying to take something you weren’t willing to give. If you want to cuss at me go right ahead; there isn’t anything you can hurl at me that I haven’t called myself.”

“Jared, shut the fuck up and let me talk! Do not interrupt me, or I swear I will duct tape your mouth shut."

Jared’s jaw snaps shut and he looks perplexed as he peers at Jensen from behind his curtain of dark hair. “Okay.”

“Okay!” He really would rather have this discussion at one of their apartments but that’s not the way it’s going to go down. “C’mere.” He takes Jared’s hand, damp with sweat, and leads him to the back of the shop where the book clubs’ meet; there are chairs they can sit in while they hash this out.

Once they are seated, Jensen speaks. "The other night...I wanted to have sex with you. I’ve wanted to for awhile now and it made me call into question everything I ever thought I knew about myself. More than that it, I was scared that if we had sex you would think that I wasn’t Ace anymore and expect to have a more ‘normal’ relationship. That’s never going to be the case and once you realized that you would grow unhappy and leave me. I’d be alone again and after you…. The thought terrified me and I freaked out. I hurt you in the process. I made you think you had done something wrong and I’m sorry for that.”

They sit in silence for a couple of minutes. Jared gazes off in the distance, brow slightly furrowed as he takes in what Jensen said. Jensen hopes he has explained how he feels in such a way that Jared can grasp.

Jared takes a breath, licks his lips, and appears as if he’s going to speak before falling silent again. He does this a few times before he does, indeed, speak. “I totally get freaking out. I freaked out when I realized I was gay.”

Jensen cocks his head to the side in a listening attitude.

“I was a freshman in high school. I was on the football and basketball teams, and we’d shower after practice. At first I thought it was what all guys did, you know? Checking out how big the other guys’ dicks were compared to my own, who was cut or uncut. But I knew it was more than that really. No one else had that flare of lust in their belly. No one else wanted to get on their knees or offer up their asses.”

Jensen smirks. “I think you’d’ve been surprised.”

Jared smiles, wistfully. “Probably, but I didn’t know that at the time. I felt alone and scared. I was a jock, I couldn’t be gay. What really set me off was when I fell in love for the first time. Until that happened I could deny it, say it was just about sex or a fantasy, but falling in love was something else. So I freaked out. I acted out. I got into fights, my grades went to shit, I got into drugs, and I got arrested.”

“Jesus, Jared. You never told me.”

Jared shrugs. “Not exactly my most shining moment. But once I came clean, admitted the truth, if only to myself, things worked themselves out. So what helped you get over your freak out?”

“I talked to Jason, although I probably should have talked to you, but until I made sense of my own feelings I just couldn’t. I wasn’t prepared if you had questions or anything. How could I explain my feelings to you when I couldn’t explain them to myself?”

Jared nods. “So sex is okay sometimes?”

“If we're cuddling and making out and the desire is there, yeah, we can have sex. I probably won’t want it as often as you do, not nearly as often because my attraction to you isn’t based on anything sexual. Can you be happy with that?” There is a little flutter in Jensen’s gut, afraid Jared will say no.

“Yes, Jensen. Yes. I love you and being with you has shown me there is so much more to a relationship than sex.”

“I just don’t want you to feel…deprived or anything. You give me so much, I don’t even think you realize.”

“You think sex is the only thing you can give me? Give yourself some credit.” He’s grinning and gazing at Jensen with such a besotted expression it make his heart skip. “I’m not some sex fiend or something.”

All the doubt and sadness he has been carrying evaporates. “You gonna kiss me now?” He asks leaning forward, a grin of his own answering Jared’s.

Jared’s eyes twinkle with mischief and he leans in, but stops with their lips are a hairsbreadth apart. “Only if you admit it’s totally plausible that Roose Bolton is an immortal skinchanger.”

Jensen fists a hand in Jared’s scrub top, hauls him in, and seals their lips together.


***The idea for a sequel occurred to me not too long after I finished Enough and I hope to revisit them one more time. Sexuality is a spectrum and there are a variety of ways to express it. Jensen's struggle and journey is not meant to represent all of them. Also, the Ace message board replies are grossly exaggerated. In the forums I have visited most users are polite and insightful. I claim artistic license. Thanks for reading. Comments are pie. ♥ ***