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Title: Shouting Lies Across Seas of Misunderstanding
Author: Rose
Pairing Jared/Jensen
Rating NC-17
Words 28,900-ish
Warnings/Enticements Mpreg, knotting, A/B/O dynamics, scene of nonexplicit noncon
Summary: At the tender age of twelve Jensen unexpectedly went into heat and was the victim of a brutal attack, the result of which was pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. Twenty years later Jensen is happily married to his Alpha, Jared Padalecki. For the past several months they have been trying for a child only to be dealt with false hopes and ultimately the devastating news that Jensen is unlikely to conceive. A moment of passion changes everything but will a few misspoken words rip away everything Jensen has ever wanted?
Author’s Notes: Written for the 2014![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
spnmpregbb. For more extensive Author's Notes, see the Fic MasterPost
Prologue, May 1991
Jensen Ackles and his friends Tommy Welling, Mikey Rosenbaum, and Jason Manns burst through the doors of their elementary school, the early summer breeze blowing their hair back. They were cheering; ecstatic that school was over and they were free for the next three months. They made for the playground instead of heading home. Tommy and Mikey went to the merry-go-round, Jason and Jensen opted for the monkey bars, clambering up to watch Tommy and Mikey get the merry-go-round to top speed before hopping on, hooting and hollering.
“You feeling any better?” Jason asked peering at Jensen as their legs dangled between the rungs.
Jensen shrugged. He had been feeling at little off for the last week or so, couldn’t quite pin down a symptom exactly. He just felt off, but not bad in a way that he wanted to tell his parents and get them worried. “They aren’t gonna be happy ‘til they break something,” Jensen said indicating Tommy pushing the merry-go-round as Mikey hung from the center bar, feet and legs dangling over the edge.
“Probably gonna pop their knots this summer. They have that daredevil alpha thing goin’ on.”
Jensen looked over at his friend, quiet and smart, with dark hair and blue-grey eyes. “Think we’ll all still be friends in junior high?” That had been weighing on Jensen’s mind the closer they got to summer vacation, and now that it was here he couldn’t keep his worry to himself. Though he was excited to be starting junior high in the fall, things seemed to be changing too fast and Jensen wondered if they would ever be like this again, this happy and carefree. Soon enough they would be in high school, they would go through their changes and present as either Alpha, Beta, or Omega. The idea was as overwhelming as it was exciting and Jensen wasn’t sure he was ready, though his friends seemed to be. Tommy and Mikey were thirteen and Mikey’s voice was starting to crack and Tommy was getting taller.
Jason shrugged. “Alphas, Betas, and Omegas can be friends, Jensen, you know that.”
“Yeah, but…” The hard truth was that most tended to stick with their own, having more in common. Mikey and Tommy seemed to have tired of the merry-go-round and had moved to the teeter-totter; going at it too fast and hard, trying to bounce the other off the wooden seat. Fearful excited whoops echoed across the empty playground each time one went soaring up and the other came crashing down. Jensen wondered if one of them wouldn’t end up breaking their tailbone. If that happened Jensen could imagine the fun they would have teasing the injured party for having broken their ass. The thought made him grin.
“Who’s to say we won’t be Alphas too? Never know with biology, do you?”
“Well, I know I won’t be an Alpha. Not with a Beta father and Omega mother, and Josh is Beta. No Alpha genes in our family.”
“Your grandfather is an Alpha, besides there’s nothing wrong with being a Beta or Omega.”
“Why are you dorks just sitting there?” Mikey shouted as he went up.
“Yeah! Next year no recess! This is the last time we’re going to be able to play on this playground, take advantage of it, losers!” Tommy’s end of the teeter-totter was on the ground and holding Mikey up in the air.
“Let me down dickhead!” Mikey bounced trying to get Tommy to let him down.
“Nope!”
Mikey growled and hopped off his end of the wooden plank, sending Tommy shooting up and falling off crashing to the asphalt playground. Mikey was cackling. Jensen and Jason were scrambling down from the monkey bars to check on their friend, but Tommy was already pushing into a seated position, wincing.
“Asshole.” His palms were scraped where he had used them to try and break his fall and his knees were skinned and bleeding.
“Shoulda let me down!” Mikey crowed strutting off to the tall metal slide.
“You okay, dude?” Jensen asked but Tommy was on his feet and barreling after Mikey.
“Guess that’s a ‘yes’,” Jason said with a laugh.
Mikey shouted as he saw Tommy climbing the slides ladder, coming up after him. He reached the top then went rocketing down the long slide, Tommy in hot pursuit.
“Ahhhh! No, can’t get me. Jenny is Base!” Mikey said hiding behind Jensen.
Tommy grabbed for Mikey as Jensen side stepped him. “Am not!”
“Not It!” Jason proclaimed running off, Jensen taking off in the other direction, Tommy’s pursuit of Mikey evolving into a game of tag.
Jensen and his three friends lost track of time, each taking turns being It. The playground filled with their happy whoops and good-natured taunts. Sweaty and breathless the four boys called a truce and sat on the swings, cooling down and catching their breath. Mikey started swinging first, then Tommy. Soon all four boys were swinging, making a competition out of who could go the highest. Jensen still harbored the fear that he would go too high and swing over the bar, so he lost.
Jason was the first to stop swinging. “I better get home. Mom’ll ground me for the summer if ‘m late for dinner again.” He waved and jogged off.
Tommy dragged his feet to stop, kicking up clouds of dust and scattering the pea gravel. “Yeah, I better go, too. See y’all later!” He took off following Jason.
Mikey hit the apogee of his swing and let go, launching himself through the air to land cat-like on his feet. “And then there were two. Wanna walk home, Jen?”
“Nah,” Jensen said, kicking his legs slightly as he cut through the air. “I wanna stay a bit longer.”
“’Kay, dude. Catch ya later!” Mikey booked it toward home.
Jensen loved to swing, that swoop in the stomach, the sensation of flying. He closed his eyes and drifted. The wind blew through his hair and he let his worries go. He wondered if anyone else felt the way he did; afraid to grow up. Seemed to Jensen most people looked forward to it, he knew his friends did. Maybe Jensen was silly wanting to be a kid a little while longer, enjoying the long summer days at the pool, eating snow cones, paying tag, or climbing on the monkey bars. Puberty was a monster, he thought. Sucked your youth and turned you inside out. He wasn’t ready.
He swung until his fingers stiffened around the chain and the muscles of his legs ached. He slowed, the breeze feeling good on his warm skin. The sun was still in the sky but the heat of the day was dying down, not Jensen though. He was hot and that feeling of restlessness and anxiety seemed to have gotten worse, not better. Swinging always helped him relax and let go before. He probably had worked himself into a bit of a panic with his thoughts. People did say he was too serious. Jensen didn’t think so, just more introspective.
He stood, legs feeling a little wobbly, trying to shake off this jittery feeling. He wiped a hand across his forehead. He took a couple steps forward, going to grab up his backpack and head home, when he realized he was wet between his thighs. He swallowed. It couldn’t be what he thought it was. He was probably just really sweaty. Yeah, right. But it would explain everything, why he’s been feeling so off this past week. What he remembers from sex ed (he had been too busy snickering along with Jason, Tommy and Mikey rather than paying attention to what the instructor had been saying) isn’t much, but he thought they had gone over the onset symptoms of an Omega’s heat: restless, jittery, a slight fever.
Oh shit. Jensen had them all. He thought when this happened he would be safe at home or maybe with his friends, not alone and scared. He had even thought maybe this would never happen; that he would just be a Beta like his brother. No, there had to be something else wrong with him. He had just turned twelve and adolescents didn’t usually present until thirteen or fourteen; around their first growth spurt. Jensen had just turned twelve a couple of months ago, seemed too early for him to be going through his change. He had chalked up the anxiety he had been feeling as of late to growing up, starting junior high, and the possibility that he and his friends would drift apart; and the fact that he had been running a little hot to the fact that it was summer in Texas.
Trying to ignore the obvious signs he was going into heat, he walked over to where he had thrown his backpack, picked it up and left the playground, cutting through the vacant lot. The town council was going to be voting on whether to turn it into a baseball diamond. Jensen hoped so, but right now there was nothing but some trees, bare earth, scraggly saplings, and brown grass. As he walked his cock began to fill with blood and grow hard. That was nothing new. Jensen had been getting hard-ons for the last year, but now it was worse, the restlessness in him crying out for something he didn’t know. Each rub of his shorts and underwear against his sensitive cock had him moaning and more of his natural lubrication leaking from his hole. He hoped the slick leaking from him wasn’t bleeding though his pants yet. He wanted to get home before that happened.
He heard raucous laughter and turned his head. A little ways behind him was a group of guys roughhousing. Their presence wouldn’t mean anything if they were betas; they wouldn’t be able to pick up on the pheromones Jensen was releasing. Of course Jensen wouldn’t get that lucky. The guys, had to be freshly popped knotheads, stopped and stared right at Jensen. Maybe they’ll keep on going, even as he thought that an alarm was blaring in his skull: runrunrun. At the same time, this new part of him, the part that had just woken up, was ready to lay down and spread his legs. He took a breath, trying to calm his racing heart only to catch a noseful of musky Alpha. His ripening body betrayed him, making him flush all over and produce more wetness. Trembling, Jensen did his best to maintain his composure and continue on his way. He would get home, his parents would get him to the doctor, he would start suppressant therapy until the time came when he would want to have children. It would be fine. He would be fine.
“Hey! Where do you think you’re going, slut?”
He dropped his backpack and ran but he didn’t get far, a heavy alpha body slammed into him, tackling him to the ground. The breath left his body, leaving him momentarily stunned. When he got his wind back, he began to kick and struggle, but there were four of them, big alphas 17 or 18 years old and Jensen was a short and scrawny twelve year old.
“Please, stop!” he shouted as his jean shorts were pulled down and off his legs.
The Alpha teens weren’t listening, stripping Jensen of his underwear baring his ass to all and sundry. Shame and terror warred within him, his body wanted this—needed this—but his heart and mind did not. His legs were forced apart. He sobbed, tears dripping down his cheeks to water the ground. He kicked and trashed. The two Alphas holding him just tightened their grips. This isn’t how this was supposed to happen. He had never thought about what his first time would be like, wasn’t even sure he liked boys or girls yet. He just liked spending time with his family and friends, and playing. After this nothing would ever be the same and he knew it. He cried harder, as he felt a finger brush over his wet, exposed hole. The Alphas laughed and made some crude remarks, lust roughening their voices turned them into something feral.
The scream that tore from Jensen’s young throat was barely human, as the first thick cock penetrated him. His body still too little to accommodate a nearly full grown Alpha’s cock and the knot that was starting to swell despite the fact he was leaking slick and his hole was ready.
Mercifully, Jensen passed out before the others had their turns.
* * *
“But…Jensen is just a baby himself,” Jensen’s mother, Donna, shook her head in disbelief at what the doctor was telling them. Jensen sat numb between his mother and father as the doctor shared the news that Jensen was pregnant. Between his assault nearly two months ago and now the news he was pregnant…. It was surreal and in all honestly Jensen had had about as much as he could take.
Since his assault everything was in shambles. Tommy, Mikey, and Jason came around but, didn’t know how to act around him. He wanted to scream he was still the same kid he was before, but he knew that was a lie. A lie more and more obvious as his belly began to round slightly. He wasn’t far along, nine weeks, but on his slight frame it showed already. His mother was smothering him, afraid to have him out of her sight for even a second. His father couldn’t keep eye contact for more than a couple of seconds. Jensen knew it wasn’t out of shame. His father felt like a failure as a father that he wasn’t able to somehow protect Jensen. Maybe if I had been an Alpha I could have protected you better. I’m so sorry, son. His father had said that to him after Jensen had been lucid enough to have visitors in the hospital. Jensen knew there was really no one to blame but himself, he had known something was wrong with him but hadn’t told anyone. If he had told…maybe someone would have figured out he was going into heat.
Seemed like all of Richardson knew about Jensen’s assault, and when they looked at him it was with pity and he hated it, hated everything, really. He hated his Omega body. Some days he hated the child growing inside him, hated what it reminded him of, and what it meant for his future—diapers, tears, and sacrifice. Mostly he hated those four fucking Alphas who took his life and burnt it to cinders. They had been apprehended and would go on trial; turns out one of them had a thread of a conscience and confessed everything. They would probably cop a plea deal and get off with a slap on the fucking wrist.
“Be that as it may, Mrs. Ackles, Jensen’s had his first heat so biologically he is mature enough to support a life. Now, the question is how do we proceed? There are obviously two options. He can carry the baby to term, risky given his age, and the damage he sustained in the attack, or we can terminate.”
“I think it would be best if we ended this,” his mother said. “It was never meant to be in the first place and Jensen can get back to his life.”
Jensen rolled his eyes and scoffed. That wasn’t possible and even if he wasn’t anywhere near ready he wanted to have his baby. He already loved it. His brief bursts of anger at his baby never lasted very long. It was innocent, no matter how it came to be. “No,” Jensen heard himself say.
“What?” His mother turned to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
“It’s my life, mom. Mine and my baby.”
“Jensen you can’t be thinking of having it.” That was something, at least she wasn’t talking about him like he wasn’t in the room anymore. “You are twelve years old—barely! You can’t make a decision like this.”
“No! I didn’t make the decision to breed, but I can sure as hell make the decision about what I do with my baby.” He looked at the doctor. “I’m going to have it.” He stood up and strode from the room.
“Jensen! Jensen Ross Ackles you come back here!” His father’s voice echoed down the long corridor. A few passersby stopped to look.
“No! Just leave me alone!”
He burst through the front doors of the clinic, glad to be out of the doctor’s small office and away from his mother and father, well-meaning though they might be, and breathe.
He kept walking and ended up at the elementary school playground, the last time he had been happy before everything changed. He sat on the same swing he had that day, dragged his toe through the dirt and gravel. He wasn’t anywhere near ready but he was confident in his decision. He didn’t know what this would mean for his schooling. He supposed would go when it started up in September. He could take the whispers that were sure to follow him through the halls. Whether he kept the child was another decision for another day. He was tired of doing everything everyone told him, from his parents to his therapist, this was something only he had any right to decide. He rested his hand on his belly, fancied he could feel the life in him, growing.
“It’ll be okay,” he whispered. “Whatever else, you deserve a chance to be born. I’m going to make sure you get it.”
* * *
Out of one bed and into another, but at least he was home.
“Okay, honey, you rest now. Do you want anything?” Jensen’s mother asked as he climbed into his bed. Between the rape, prenatal care, and now after having complications from the miscarriage he was fucking sick of hospital beds. As he lay down he flipped on the TV. He wondered if it was going to be possible to sleep in his bed. Six days ago he had woken up with cramps stabbing him and his sheets and mattress soaked with blood. He hadn’t wanted to believe it, but he knew what was happening. He had promised his baby that everything would be okay, but once again his stupid body betrayed him, ridding him of his child, forcing him to break his promise. Now, Jensen was hollow and felt like a failure.
“I’m fine,” he snapped.
She pushed her fingers through his hair, a soft expression on her face. God, he wasn’t sure how much of her false sympathy and pity he could take. He didn’t think even for a second she was sorry he had lost his baby. She had said more than once in the hospital that it was for the best. Spouted her spiel again about how the baby was never meant to be and he could have a normal life now. Maybe it was for the best, but it didn’t mean he hadn’t loved his child and was grieving its loss. His mother seemed to be forgetting that. Did she expect him to forget?
“Try to get some rest, sweetie.” She kissed his forehead, fiddled with his pillows and blankets.
Jensen rolled onto his side, back to the door and let himself cry.
At some point he must have fallen asleep because when he opened his eyes it was dark and his TV had been turned off. He got out of bed, struck by a horrible sense of déjà vu. Chest heaving he threw back the comforter and looked down at the bed and saw nothing. He let out a shaky breath. His sky blue sheets were clean, not even a drop of blood. The damage he had sustained during the rape that hadn’t quite healed had made itself known and he had lost so much blood he had needed two transfusions. Jensen’s spotting had stopped before the doctor sent him home from the hospital with a prescription for suppressants. He wondered if he would always live with the fear of waking up with blood running down his thighs as his child died inside him. A sob escaped him and he sank to the floor, legs unable to hold him up. He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head on them, softly crying.
“I tried, baby. I really really tried.” It just didn’t seem possible to love someone so much and he hadn’t met them, and never would. He didn’t think he would ever get over this. How could he? He looked at the clock, the impassive red numbers telling him it was twenty after three in the morning. Too early to get up and despite all the sleep he had got he was still drained. He curled up on the floor, not wanting to get back in that bed. One hand went to his once-again flat stomach, fingers digging in. Jensen cried himself into a fitful sleep, his dreams full of blood, pain, and a small voice asking him “why”.
“Jensen! Oh my God, are you okay?”
Hands were pulling at him, all over him. Semiconscious, caught between nightmare and memory, Jensen shouted something unintelligible, and struck out hard, shoving his attacker away. His gaze darted all over the room, but not really seeing anything.
“Oh, Alan!”
“Jensen, son. It’s okay. You’re home and safe. Me and your mom are right here.”
“Me too, bro. Dad, what’s wrong with him? Should I call 911?”
Jensen came back to himself, breath shuddering, heart racing. He blinked hard to clear his mind of the bad memories. His mother was standing near the threshold of his room. His big brother Josh behind her and his father was crouched in front of him, firm hand on his shoulder. Jensen shrugged it off.
“Jensen, what are you doing on the floor? Are you in any pain?”
Jensen shook his head. He swallowed but his throat was dry. “No,” he croaked.
“Get your brother a glass of water,” Donna said.
There were rapid thumps as Josh hurried downstairs. Jensen breathed in and out, heart rate calming down. He glanced over to the clock and saw that it was nearly six in the morning. Pale early morning sun was beginning to creep in through his window. He didn’t want to go back to sleep, wasn’t sure he would be able to anyway.
“Here.” Josh was back holding a can of Sprite.
“Josh, I said water,” his mother scolded.
Josh shrugged. “He likes Sprite.”
Jensen looked up at his brother. Josh was three years older and fair like Jensen. He was the only one that wasn’t babying Jensen or tiptoeing around him. He took the icy can and chugged the fizzy drink. “Thanks,” he said once he drank his fill. Jensen got to his feet, his father steadying him.
“What are you doing on the floor?” Alan asked once more.
“Couldn’t…sleep in that bed.”
His mother and father exchanged a glance. “I’m going to put some coffee on and make breakfast,” Donna said. She reached out to pet Jensen again, but he moved away from her placating touch.
“I need to shower and get ready for work. Are you okay now, Jensen?”
Loaded question, and Alan probably knew it. To save time and grief Jensen nodded. His father patted his back and left the room. Jensen took another drink of Sprite as he and his brother stood just inside Jensen’s room.
“Better get down to breakfast or I’m going to eat all your bacon.” He ruffled Jensen’s hair and took off down the steps.
“The hell you are,” Jensen muttered and followed him.
After breakfast Alan headed to work. Josh drifted upstairs to shower and dress while Jensen wandered into the living room to stretch out on the sofa. He turned the TV on to Good Morning America. He could hear his mother doing the dishes in the kitchen and was surprised she hadn’t come in to check on him yet.
“Need anything, honey?”
He should have known he spoken too soon. He exhaled, rolled his eyes. “No,” he growled. Even if he did he was not an invalid.
“Just checking. Get some more rest. You can’t have slept well on the floor.”
Sometime later Josh came down the steps. Jensen cracked open an eye as his brother threw himself into an armchair and snaked the remote from the coffee table. He flipped away from GMA to a lame talk show, Donahue, looked like.
“Was watching that,” Jensen said, somewhere in that gray area of sleep and wakefulness.
“Now we’re watching this.” He smirked, challenging.
“You’re such a loser and your fixation with talk shows is disturbing.”
“Shut up. I’m gonna play baseball today with some of the guys. Wanna come? We can use a shortstop.”
Jensen’s heart swelled with affection. There had been a rift between them as Josh entered puberty and started high school. They had different friends and different interests and until now Jensen hadn’t realized how much he had missed his big brother.
“I’m not sure I’d be much good.” What Jensen wanted to say was that he didn’t want to be around Josh’s Alpha friends, he only had a couple but the idea of being in any proximity of a knothead was alarming. Well, that would make junior high and high school interesting. “Not sure Mom would let me leave the house anyway.”
Josh nodded, brows creasing. “Good point. If you do wanna play and can get away from Mom, just drop by the park.”
Jensen closed his eyes again, body feeling heavy as he drifted back into unconsciousness.
Sometime later Jensen was startled back to wakefulness by his brother’s shout. “Mom, goin’ to play ball!”
“Shh!” His mother hissed “You’ll wake your brother!”
“Right, sorry.” Josh said. A moment later the front door opened and closed announcing Josh’s departure. Jensen didn’t go back to sleep, he dozed, listening to the mindless talk show Josh had been watching.
A half an hour or so passed, Jensen couldn’t be sure. He knew Donahue was off, another talk show taken its place, sounded like a female host this time. His mother laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly.
“I’m going to the store, Jensen.”
He remained as he was, still and eyes closed. He had no interest in being dragged to the store with his newly over-protective mother, not to mention the pitying looks he would get, because sooner or later news would spread about his miscarriage—if it hadn’t already. “Jensen?” He heard her sigh out her indecision, the rattle of her keys. He kept himself still and lax, breathing deep and even. A moment later she pushed her fingers through his hair and pressed a kiss to his forehead, did his best not to react. He heard the beep as she set the alarm and the door open and close.
He sat up, waiting until he heard her car drive off before he let out a breath. For the first time in a week or more he could breathe and he was mercifully alone. He stood, stretched, wondered into the kitchen for another Sprite. He got a glass from the cabinet and poured the clear bubbly soda into it. He had developed a taste for it when the morning sickness hit him hard, and he liked to watch the bubbles rise and play in the glass.
The quiet of the house was broken by the door bell chiming. Jensen’s pulse skyrocketed. He swallowed hard. On shaking legs, he walked to the door. He peered through the peephole and was surprised to see Jason standing on the porch. He flipped the lock and opened the door. It was good to see Jason again. He had visited in the hospital but the two just sort of sat in awkward silence, something that had never happened between them since they met back in kindergarten.
“Hi.” Jason had his backpack over on one shoulder and it made a dull clacking sound when he hitched it up higher.
“Hey.” Jensen stepped aside to allow his friend in. They sat on the sofa, both staring at the television playing the Sally Jessy Raphael Show.
“How are you?” Jason asked at length.
“Empty,” Jensen replied, voice flat. He was so done telling people he was fine and Jason was someone he didn’t have to lie to. His statement was met with more silence, just the sound of his friend swallowing and whatever was in his backpack shifting with a plastic sound, and the TV.
“I don’t know what to say, Jensen.” Jason looked sincere. Jensen glanced at his friend and saw him with new eyes; an adult’s eyes, he realized. Jason was in over his head trying to talk to Jensen about his rape and miscarriage.
“You don’t have to say anything. I wish people would stop trying to make me feel better. I lost my baby and everyone around me just seems to think I should forget about it. Like it or my rape never happened. Like, if they don’t talk about it maybe they can convince me, and them, of it.” For the first time Jensen allowed himself to feel angry, he had been drowning in his grief, guilt, and powerlessness. Anger was better.
“Well, you should feel bad. You should feel however you feel. You’re the one who went through everything.”
That took Jensen by surprise, someone else acknowledging his trauma and validating his feelings—someone beside his damn therapist. He kinda hated Dr. Sampson with her patronizing tone, and moronic advice about how to deal and process his pain. What did she know? It didn’t happen to her. She didn’t even call it what it was. She used soft words like “incident”. Jensen didn’t think he wanted to see her anymore.
Jason shifted and the contents of his backpack clattered again.
“What do you have in there?” Jensen asked, brow cocked.
Jason grinned and opened his backpack. “I got the new Super Nintendo with Super Mario World. Thought maybe we could play.”
“Okay, but you be Luigi.”
More of this was exactly what Jensen needed. He had gone through some horrible life changing stuff but he wanted to take his life back, and people like his mother treating him like he was made of glass was not helping. Playing video games with Jason and Josh teasing him was what he needed. He didn’t want what happened to him to define him. He was still Jensen, just a different Jensen. Sure, he would always think about the child he lost but he would grieve and move on. There was no reason he had to let it affect the rest of his life.
Chapter 1
Author: Rose
Pairing Jared/Jensen
Rating NC-17
Words 28,900-ish
Warnings/Enticements Mpreg, knotting, A/B/O dynamics, scene of nonexplicit noncon
Summary: At the tender age of twelve Jensen unexpectedly went into heat and was the victim of a brutal attack, the result of which was pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. Twenty years later Jensen is happily married to his Alpha, Jared Padalecki. For the past several months they have been trying for a child only to be dealt with false hopes and ultimately the devastating news that Jensen is unlikely to conceive. A moment of passion changes everything but will a few misspoken words rip away everything Jensen has ever wanted?
Author’s Notes: Written for the 2014
spnmpregbb. For more extensive Author's Notes, see the Fic MasterPostPrologue, May 1991
Jensen Ackles and his friends Tommy Welling, Mikey Rosenbaum, and Jason Manns burst through the doors of their elementary school, the early summer breeze blowing their hair back. They were cheering; ecstatic that school was over and they were free for the next three months. They made for the playground instead of heading home. Tommy and Mikey went to the merry-go-round, Jason and Jensen opted for the monkey bars, clambering up to watch Tommy and Mikey get the merry-go-round to top speed before hopping on, hooting and hollering.
“You feeling any better?” Jason asked peering at Jensen as their legs dangled between the rungs.
Jensen shrugged. He had been feeling at little off for the last week or so, couldn’t quite pin down a symptom exactly. He just felt off, but not bad in a way that he wanted to tell his parents and get them worried. “They aren’t gonna be happy ‘til they break something,” Jensen said indicating Tommy pushing the merry-go-round as Mikey hung from the center bar, feet and legs dangling over the edge.
“Probably gonna pop their knots this summer. They have that daredevil alpha thing goin’ on.”
Jensen looked over at his friend, quiet and smart, with dark hair and blue-grey eyes. “Think we’ll all still be friends in junior high?” That had been weighing on Jensen’s mind the closer they got to summer vacation, and now that it was here he couldn’t keep his worry to himself. Though he was excited to be starting junior high in the fall, things seemed to be changing too fast and Jensen wondered if they would ever be like this again, this happy and carefree. Soon enough they would be in high school, they would go through their changes and present as either Alpha, Beta, or Omega. The idea was as overwhelming as it was exciting and Jensen wasn’t sure he was ready, though his friends seemed to be. Tommy and Mikey were thirteen and Mikey’s voice was starting to crack and Tommy was getting taller.
Jason shrugged. “Alphas, Betas, and Omegas can be friends, Jensen, you know that.”
“Yeah, but…” The hard truth was that most tended to stick with their own, having more in common. Mikey and Tommy seemed to have tired of the merry-go-round and had moved to the teeter-totter; going at it too fast and hard, trying to bounce the other off the wooden seat. Fearful excited whoops echoed across the empty playground each time one went soaring up and the other came crashing down. Jensen wondered if one of them wouldn’t end up breaking their tailbone. If that happened Jensen could imagine the fun they would have teasing the injured party for having broken their ass. The thought made him grin.
“Who’s to say we won’t be Alphas too? Never know with biology, do you?”
“Well, I know I won’t be an Alpha. Not with a Beta father and Omega mother, and Josh is Beta. No Alpha genes in our family.”
“Your grandfather is an Alpha, besides there’s nothing wrong with being a Beta or Omega.”
“Why are you dorks just sitting there?” Mikey shouted as he went up.
“Yeah! Next year no recess! This is the last time we’re going to be able to play on this playground, take advantage of it, losers!” Tommy’s end of the teeter-totter was on the ground and holding Mikey up in the air.
“Let me down dickhead!” Mikey bounced trying to get Tommy to let him down.
“Nope!”
Mikey growled and hopped off his end of the wooden plank, sending Tommy shooting up and falling off crashing to the asphalt playground. Mikey was cackling. Jensen and Jason were scrambling down from the monkey bars to check on their friend, but Tommy was already pushing into a seated position, wincing.
“Asshole.” His palms were scraped where he had used them to try and break his fall and his knees were skinned and bleeding.
“Shoulda let me down!” Mikey crowed strutting off to the tall metal slide.
“You okay, dude?” Jensen asked but Tommy was on his feet and barreling after Mikey.
“Guess that’s a ‘yes’,” Jason said with a laugh.
Mikey shouted as he saw Tommy climbing the slides ladder, coming up after him. He reached the top then went rocketing down the long slide, Tommy in hot pursuit.
“Ahhhh! No, can’t get me. Jenny is Base!” Mikey said hiding behind Jensen.
Tommy grabbed for Mikey as Jensen side stepped him. “Am not!”
“Not It!” Jason proclaimed running off, Jensen taking off in the other direction, Tommy’s pursuit of Mikey evolving into a game of tag.
Jensen and his three friends lost track of time, each taking turns being It. The playground filled with their happy whoops and good-natured taunts. Sweaty and breathless the four boys called a truce and sat on the swings, cooling down and catching their breath. Mikey started swinging first, then Tommy. Soon all four boys were swinging, making a competition out of who could go the highest. Jensen still harbored the fear that he would go too high and swing over the bar, so he lost.
Jason was the first to stop swinging. “I better get home. Mom’ll ground me for the summer if ‘m late for dinner again.” He waved and jogged off.
Tommy dragged his feet to stop, kicking up clouds of dust and scattering the pea gravel. “Yeah, I better go, too. See y’all later!” He took off following Jason.
Mikey hit the apogee of his swing and let go, launching himself through the air to land cat-like on his feet. “And then there were two. Wanna walk home, Jen?”
“Nah,” Jensen said, kicking his legs slightly as he cut through the air. “I wanna stay a bit longer.”
“’Kay, dude. Catch ya later!” Mikey booked it toward home.
Jensen loved to swing, that swoop in the stomach, the sensation of flying. He closed his eyes and drifted. The wind blew through his hair and he let his worries go. He wondered if anyone else felt the way he did; afraid to grow up. Seemed to Jensen most people looked forward to it, he knew his friends did. Maybe Jensen was silly wanting to be a kid a little while longer, enjoying the long summer days at the pool, eating snow cones, paying tag, or climbing on the monkey bars. Puberty was a monster, he thought. Sucked your youth and turned you inside out. He wasn’t ready.
He swung until his fingers stiffened around the chain and the muscles of his legs ached. He slowed, the breeze feeling good on his warm skin. The sun was still in the sky but the heat of the day was dying down, not Jensen though. He was hot and that feeling of restlessness and anxiety seemed to have gotten worse, not better. Swinging always helped him relax and let go before. He probably had worked himself into a bit of a panic with his thoughts. People did say he was too serious. Jensen didn’t think so, just more introspective.
He stood, legs feeling a little wobbly, trying to shake off this jittery feeling. He wiped a hand across his forehead. He took a couple steps forward, going to grab up his backpack and head home, when he realized he was wet between his thighs. He swallowed. It couldn’t be what he thought it was. He was probably just really sweaty. Yeah, right. But it would explain everything, why he’s been feeling so off this past week. What he remembers from sex ed (he had been too busy snickering along with Jason, Tommy and Mikey rather than paying attention to what the instructor had been saying) isn’t much, but he thought they had gone over the onset symptoms of an Omega’s heat: restless, jittery, a slight fever.
Oh shit. Jensen had them all. He thought when this happened he would be safe at home or maybe with his friends, not alone and scared. He had even thought maybe this would never happen; that he would just be a Beta like his brother. No, there had to be something else wrong with him. He had just turned twelve and adolescents didn’t usually present until thirteen or fourteen; around their first growth spurt. Jensen had just turned twelve a couple of months ago, seemed too early for him to be going through his change. He had chalked up the anxiety he had been feeling as of late to growing up, starting junior high, and the possibility that he and his friends would drift apart; and the fact that he had been running a little hot to the fact that it was summer in Texas.
Trying to ignore the obvious signs he was going into heat, he walked over to where he had thrown his backpack, picked it up and left the playground, cutting through the vacant lot. The town council was going to be voting on whether to turn it into a baseball diamond. Jensen hoped so, but right now there was nothing but some trees, bare earth, scraggly saplings, and brown grass. As he walked his cock began to fill with blood and grow hard. That was nothing new. Jensen had been getting hard-ons for the last year, but now it was worse, the restlessness in him crying out for something he didn’t know. Each rub of his shorts and underwear against his sensitive cock had him moaning and more of his natural lubrication leaking from his hole. He hoped the slick leaking from him wasn’t bleeding though his pants yet. He wanted to get home before that happened.
He heard raucous laughter and turned his head. A little ways behind him was a group of guys roughhousing. Their presence wouldn’t mean anything if they were betas; they wouldn’t be able to pick up on the pheromones Jensen was releasing. Of course Jensen wouldn’t get that lucky. The guys, had to be freshly popped knotheads, stopped and stared right at Jensen. Maybe they’ll keep on going, even as he thought that an alarm was blaring in his skull: runrunrun. At the same time, this new part of him, the part that had just woken up, was ready to lay down and spread his legs. He took a breath, trying to calm his racing heart only to catch a noseful of musky Alpha. His ripening body betrayed him, making him flush all over and produce more wetness. Trembling, Jensen did his best to maintain his composure and continue on his way. He would get home, his parents would get him to the doctor, he would start suppressant therapy until the time came when he would want to have children. It would be fine. He would be fine.
“Hey! Where do you think you’re going, slut?”
He dropped his backpack and ran but he didn’t get far, a heavy alpha body slammed into him, tackling him to the ground. The breath left his body, leaving him momentarily stunned. When he got his wind back, he began to kick and struggle, but there were four of them, big alphas 17 or 18 years old and Jensen was a short and scrawny twelve year old.
“Please, stop!” he shouted as his jean shorts were pulled down and off his legs.
The Alpha teens weren’t listening, stripping Jensen of his underwear baring his ass to all and sundry. Shame and terror warred within him, his body wanted this—needed this—but his heart and mind did not. His legs were forced apart. He sobbed, tears dripping down his cheeks to water the ground. He kicked and trashed. The two Alphas holding him just tightened their grips. This isn’t how this was supposed to happen. He had never thought about what his first time would be like, wasn’t even sure he liked boys or girls yet. He just liked spending time with his family and friends, and playing. After this nothing would ever be the same and he knew it. He cried harder, as he felt a finger brush over his wet, exposed hole. The Alphas laughed and made some crude remarks, lust roughening their voices turned them into something feral.
The scream that tore from Jensen’s young throat was barely human, as the first thick cock penetrated him. His body still too little to accommodate a nearly full grown Alpha’s cock and the knot that was starting to swell despite the fact he was leaking slick and his hole was ready.
Mercifully, Jensen passed out before the others had their turns.
“But…Jensen is just a baby himself,” Jensen’s mother, Donna, shook her head in disbelief at what the doctor was telling them. Jensen sat numb between his mother and father as the doctor shared the news that Jensen was pregnant. Between his assault nearly two months ago and now the news he was pregnant…. It was surreal and in all honestly Jensen had had about as much as he could take.
Since his assault everything was in shambles. Tommy, Mikey, and Jason came around but, didn’t know how to act around him. He wanted to scream he was still the same kid he was before, but he knew that was a lie. A lie more and more obvious as his belly began to round slightly. He wasn’t far along, nine weeks, but on his slight frame it showed already. His mother was smothering him, afraid to have him out of her sight for even a second. His father couldn’t keep eye contact for more than a couple of seconds. Jensen knew it wasn’t out of shame. His father felt like a failure as a father that he wasn’t able to somehow protect Jensen. Maybe if I had been an Alpha I could have protected you better. I’m so sorry, son. His father had said that to him after Jensen had been lucid enough to have visitors in the hospital. Jensen knew there was really no one to blame but himself, he had known something was wrong with him but hadn’t told anyone. If he had told…maybe someone would have figured out he was going into heat.
Seemed like all of Richardson knew about Jensen’s assault, and when they looked at him it was with pity and he hated it, hated everything, really. He hated his Omega body. Some days he hated the child growing inside him, hated what it reminded him of, and what it meant for his future—diapers, tears, and sacrifice. Mostly he hated those four fucking Alphas who took his life and burnt it to cinders. They had been apprehended and would go on trial; turns out one of them had a thread of a conscience and confessed everything. They would probably cop a plea deal and get off with a slap on the fucking wrist.
“Be that as it may, Mrs. Ackles, Jensen’s had his first heat so biologically he is mature enough to support a life. Now, the question is how do we proceed? There are obviously two options. He can carry the baby to term, risky given his age, and the damage he sustained in the attack, or we can terminate.”
“I think it would be best if we ended this,” his mother said. “It was never meant to be in the first place and Jensen can get back to his life.”
Jensen rolled his eyes and scoffed. That wasn’t possible and even if he wasn’t anywhere near ready he wanted to have his baby. He already loved it. His brief bursts of anger at his baby never lasted very long. It was innocent, no matter how it came to be. “No,” Jensen heard himself say.
“What?” His mother turned to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
“It’s my life, mom. Mine and my baby.”
“Jensen you can’t be thinking of having it.” That was something, at least she wasn’t talking about him like he wasn’t in the room anymore. “You are twelve years old—barely! You can’t make a decision like this.”
“No! I didn’t make the decision to breed, but I can sure as hell make the decision about what I do with my baby.” He looked at the doctor. “I’m going to have it.” He stood up and strode from the room.
“Jensen! Jensen Ross Ackles you come back here!” His father’s voice echoed down the long corridor. A few passersby stopped to look.
“No! Just leave me alone!”
He burst through the front doors of the clinic, glad to be out of the doctor’s small office and away from his mother and father, well-meaning though they might be, and breathe.
He kept walking and ended up at the elementary school playground, the last time he had been happy before everything changed. He sat on the same swing he had that day, dragged his toe through the dirt and gravel. He wasn’t anywhere near ready but he was confident in his decision. He didn’t know what this would mean for his schooling. He supposed would go when it started up in September. He could take the whispers that were sure to follow him through the halls. Whether he kept the child was another decision for another day. He was tired of doing everything everyone told him, from his parents to his therapist, this was something only he had any right to decide. He rested his hand on his belly, fancied he could feel the life in him, growing.
“It’ll be okay,” he whispered. “Whatever else, you deserve a chance to be born. I’m going to make sure you get it.”
Out of one bed and into another, but at least he was home.
“Okay, honey, you rest now. Do you want anything?” Jensen’s mother asked as he climbed into his bed. Between the rape, prenatal care, and now after having complications from the miscarriage he was fucking sick of hospital beds. As he lay down he flipped on the TV. He wondered if it was going to be possible to sleep in his bed. Six days ago he had woken up with cramps stabbing him and his sheets and mattress soaked with blood. He hadn’t wanted to believe it, but he knew what was happening. He had promised his baby that everything would be okay, but once again his stupid body betrayed him, ridding him of his child, forcing him to break his promise. Now, Jensen was hollow and felt like a failure.
“I’m fine,” he snapped.
She pushed her fingers through his hair, a soft expression on her face. God, he wasn’t sure how much of her false sympathy and pity he could take. He didn’t think even for a second she was sorry he had lost his baby. She had said more than once in the hospital that it was for the best. Spouted her spiel again about how the baby was never meant to be and he could have a normal life now. Maybe it was for the best, but it didn’t mean he hadn’t loved his child and was grieving its loss. His mother seemed to be forgetting that. Did she expect him to forget?
“Try to get some rest, sweetie.” She kissed his forehead, fiddled with his pillows and blankets.
Jensen rolled onto his side, back to the door and let himself cry.
At some point he must have fallen asleep because when he opened his eyes it was dark and his TV had been turned off. He got out of bed, struck by a horrible sense of déjà vu. Chest heaving he threw back the comforter and looked down at the bed and saw nothing. He let out a shaky breath. His sky blue sheets were clean, not even a drop of blood. The damage he had sustained during the rape that hadn’t quite healed had made itself known and he had lost so much blood he had needed two transfusions. Jensen’s spotting had stopped before the doctor sent him home from the hospital with a prescription for suppressants. He wondered if he would always live with the fear of waking up with blood running down his thighs as his child died inside him. A sob escaped him and he sank to the floor, legs unable to hold him up. He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his head on them, softly crying.
“I tried, baby. I really really tried.” It just didn’t seem possible to love someone so much and he hadn’t met them, and never would. He didn’t think he would ever get over this. How could he? He looked at the clock, the impassive red numbers telling him it was twenty after three in the morning. Too early to get up and despite all the sleep he had got he was still drained. He curled up on the floor, not wanting to get back in that bed. One hand went to his once-again flat stomach, fingers digging in. Jensen cried himself into a fitful sleep, his dreams full of blood, pain, and a small voice asking him “why”.
“Jensen! Oh my God, are you okay?”
Hands were pulling at him, all over him. Semiconscious, caught between nightmare and memory, Jensen shouted something unintelligible, and struck out hard, shoving his attacker away. His gaze darted all over the room, but not really seeing anything.
“Oh, Alan!”
“Jensen, son. It’s okay. You’re home and safe. Me and your mom are right here.”
“Me too, bro. Dad, what’s wrong with him? Should I call 911?”
Jensen came back to himself, breath shuddering, heart racing. He blinked hard to clear his mind of the bad memories. His mother was standing near the threshold of his room. His big brother Josh behind her and his father was crouched in front of him, firm hand on his shoulder. Jensen shrugged it off.
“Jensen, what are you doing on the floor? Are you in any pain?”
Jensen shook his head. He swallowed but his throat was dry. “No,” he croaked.
“Get your brother a glass of water,” Donna said.
There were rapid thumps as Josh hurried downstairs. Jensen breathed in and out, heart rate calming down. He glanced over to the clock and saw that it was nearly six in the morning. Pale early morning sun was beginning to creep in through his window. He didn’t want to go back to sleep, wasn’t sure he would be able to anyway.
“Here.” Josh was back holding a can of Sprite.
“Josh, I said water,” his mother scolded.
Josh shrugged. “He likes Sprite.”
Jensen looked up at his brother. Josh was three years older and fair like Jensen. He was the only one that wasn’t babying Jensen or tiptoeing around him. He took the icy can and chugged the fizzy drink. “Thanks,” he said once he drank his fill. Jensen got to his feet, his father steadying him.
“What are you doing on the floor?” Alan asked once more.
“Couldn’t…sleep in that bed.”
His mother and father exchanged a glance. “I’m going to put some coffee on and make breakfast,” Donna said. She reached out to pet Jensen again, but he moved away from her placating touch.
“I need to shower and get ready for work. Are you okay now, Jensen?”
Loaded question, and Alan probably knew it. To save time and grief Jensen nodded. His father patted his back and left the room. Jensen took another drink of Sprite as he and his brother stood just inside Jensen’s room.
“Better get down to breakfast or I’m going to eat all your bacon.” He ruffled Jensen’s hair and took off down the steps.
“The hell you are,” Jensen muttered and followed him.
After breakfast Alan headed to work. Josh drifted upstairs to shower and dress while Jensen wandered into the living room to stretch out on the sofa. He turned the TV on to Good Morning America. He could hear his mother doing the dishes in the kitchen and was surprised she hadn’t come in to check on him yet.
“Need anything, honey?”
He should have known he spoken too soon. He exhaled, rolled his eyes. “No,” he growled. Even if he did he was not an invalid.
“Just checking. Get some more rest. You can’t have slept well on the floor.”
Sometime later Josh came down the steps. Jensen cracked open an eye as his brother threw himself into an armchair and snaked the remote from the coffee table. He flipped away from GMA to a lame talk show, Donahue, looked like.
“Was watching that,” Jensen said, somewhere in that gray area of sleep and wakefulness.
“Now we’re watching this.” He smirked, challenging.
“You’re such a loser and your fixation with talk shows is disturbing.”
“Shut up. I’m gonna play baseball today with some of the guys. Wanna come? We can use a shortstop.”
Jensen’s heart swelled with affection. There had been a rift between them as Josh entered puberty and started high school. They had different friends and different interests and until now Jensen hadn’t realized how much he had missed his big brother.
“I’m not sure I’d be much good.” What Jensen wanted to say was that he didn’t want to be around Josh’s Alpha friends, he only had a couple but the idea of being in any proximity of a knothead was alarming. Well, that would make junior high and high school interesting. “Not sure Mom would let me leave the house anyway.”
Josh nodded, brows creasing. “Good point. If you do wanna play and can get away from Mom, just drop by the park.”
Jensen closed his eyes again, body feeling heavy as he drifted back into unconsciousness.
Sometime later Jensen was startled back to wakefulness by his brother’s shout. “Mom, goin’ to play ball!”
“Shh!” His mother hissed “You’ll wake your brother!”
“Right, sorry.” Josh said. A moment later the front door opened and closed announcing Josh’s departure. Jensen didn’t go back to sleep, he dozed, listening to the mindless talk show Josh had been watching.
A half an hour or so passed, Jensen couldn’t be sure. He knew Donahue was off, another talk show taken its place, sounded like a female host this time. His mother laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly.
“I’m going to the store, Jensen.”
He remained as he was, still and eyes closed. He had no interest in being dragged to the store with his newly over-protective mother, not to mention the pitying looks he would get, because sooner or later news would spread about his miscarriage—if it hadn’t already. “Jensen?” He heard her sigh out her indecision, the rattle of her keys. He kept himself still and lax, breathing deep and even. A moment later she pushed her fingers through his hair and pressed a kiss to his forehead, did his best not to react. He heard the beep as she set the alarm and the door open and close.
He sat up, waiting until he heard her car drive off before he let out a breath. For the first time in a week or more he could breathe and he was mercifully alone. He stood, stretched, wondered into the kitchen for another Sprite. He got a glass from the cabinet and poured the clear bubbly soda into it. He had developed a taste for it when the morning sickness hit him hard, and he liked to watch the bubbles rise and play in the glass.
The quiet of the house was broken by the door bell chiming. Jensen’s pulse skyrocketed. He swallowed hard. On shaking legs, he walked to the door. He peered through the peephole and was surprised to see Jason standing on the porch. He flipped the lock and opened the door. It was good to see Jason again. He had visited in the hospital but the two just sort of sat in awkward silence, something that had never happened between them since they met back in kindergarten.
“Hi.” Jason had his backpack over on one shoulder and it made a dull clacking sound when he hitched it up higher.
“Hey.” Jensen stepped aside to allow his friend in. They sat on the sofa, both staring at the television playing the Sally Jessy Raphael Show.
“How are you?” Jason asked at length.
“Empty,” Jensen replied, voice flat. He was so done telling people he was fine and Jason was someone he didn’t have to lie to. His statement was met with more silence, just the sound of his friend swallowing and whatever was in his backpack shifting with a plastic sound, and the TV.
“I don’t know what to say, Jensen.” Jason looked sincere. Jensen glanced at his friend and saw him with new eyes; an adult’s eyes, he realized. Jason was in over his head trying to talk to Jensen about his rape and miscarriage.
“You don’t have to say anything. I wish people would stop trying to make me feel better. I lost my baby and everyone around me just seems to think I should forget about it. Like it or my rape never happened. Like, if they don’t talk about it maybe they can convince me, and them, of it.” For the first time Jensen allowed himself to feel angry, he had been drowning in his grief, guilt, and powerlessness. Anger was better.
“Well, you should feel bad. You should feel however you feel. You’re the one who went through everything.”
That took Jensen by surprise, someone else acknowledging his trauma and validating his feelings—someone beside his damn therapist. He kinda hated Dr. Sampson with her patronizing tone, and moronic advice about how to deal and process his pain. What did she know? It didn’t happen to her. She didn’t even call it what it was. She used soft words like “incident”. Jensen didn’t think he wanted to see her anymore.
Jason shifted and the contents of his backpack clattered again.
“What do you have in there?” Jensen asked, brow cocked.
Jason grinned and opened his backpack. “I got the new Super Nintendo with Super Mario World. Thought maybe we could play.”
“Okay, but you be Luigi.”
More of this was exactly what Jensen needed. He had gone through some horrible life changing stuff but he wanted to take his life back, and people like his mother treating him like he was made of glass was not helping. Playing video games with Jason and Josh teasing him was what he needed. He didn’t want what happened to him to define him. He was still Jensen, just a different Jensen. Sure, he would always think about the child he lost but he would grieve and move on. There was no reason he had to let it affect the rest of his life.
Chapter 1
