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Title: Shouting Lies Across Seas of Misunderstanding
Author: Rose
Pairing Jared/Jensen
Rating NC-17
Words 28,900-ish
Warnings/Enticements Mpreg, knotting, A/B/O dynamics, scene of nonexplicit noncon
Summary: At the tender age of twelve Jensen unexpectedly went into heat and was the victim of a brutal attack, the result of which was pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. Twenty years later Jensen is happily married to his Alpha, Jared Padalecki. For the past several months they have been trying for a child only to be dealt with false hopes and ultimately the devastating news that Jensen is unlikely to conceive. A moment of passion changes everything but will a few misspoken words rip away everything Jensen has ever wanted?
Author’s Notes: Written for the 2014![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
spnmpregbb. For more extensive Author's Notes see the Fic MasterPost
Chapter One, March 2011
Jensen moaned and writhed beneath his husband, Jared, feeling the Alpha’s knot start to swell and tug at his rim. Jensen tightened his legs around Jared’s hips, as his fast thrusts turned into slow rolls of his hips, rutting, grinding, knot rubbing against Jensen’s prostate wrenching another orgasm from him.
“Oh, fuck, Jensen!” Jared groaned, burying his head in the crook of Jensen’s neck as he succumbed to his own orgasm.
Jensen ran his hands down Jared's back, feeling the minute trembles running through his body. His Alpha's intoxicating spicy sweet scent enveloped him. His knot locked inside Jensen, pumping stream after stream of cum into him.
Jensen closed his eyes and reflected on everything that had brought him to this point. He had gone off the rails as a teenager: he drank, got violent, committed petty crimes, and all of it stemmed from the trauma he had suffered when he was twelve but hadn’t fully dealt with. Eventually his bad behavior had gotten him kicked out of his parents’ home. He sometimes thought that had been the aim of his rebellion all along, to be out from under their coddling. Jensen at thirteen had less freedom than his little sister at six. From the ages of fifteen on, he lived with Jason, who presented as an Omega at the age of fourteen, and his family. With their help and that of the good therapist the Manns’ found for him, Jensen straightened out his behavior.
Jensen went to college, majored in Business with a minor in Economics and got an entry level position at an advertising firm. He and Jason even tried the couple thing but the chemistry wasn’t there. Their friendship remained, maybe even a little stronger for it. Jensen had few serious relationships, content to have casual one-nighters or Friends with Benefits with Betas or the occasional Omega, but never an Alpha. Alphas still sent a little tremor of terror through him. The thought of being pinned beneath a big powerful Alpha, being knotted, was not something he was interested in—at least it wasn’t until he met Jared Padalecki.
Jensen met his Alpha when he was twenty-five at his company Christmas party. The COO and younger brother of the Padalecki Brothers Advertising’s owner/CEO Jeff Padalecki, Jared was everything an Alpha should be: confident, tall, and broad, but with an easy going manner and sweetness that charmed Jensen from the start. He was not aggressive in his pursuit of Jensen, but he was relentless. In the end Jensen could not deny the attraction and natural Alpha/Omega chemistry between them. When they gave in to it, it was explosive and Jensen wondered why the hell he had been resisting so much.
He had been dating Jared for a year before he confided in the Alpha what happened to him when he was twelve. Jared had only nodded in quiet understanding and acceptance, not pushing for details or forcing Jensen to relive the pain. That had been when Jensen realized Jared was The One.
They dated for three years before Jared proposed. Their engagement lasted another year, but that was Jared, always patient, making sure Jensen had his space and time. Here Jensen was about to turn thirty-three, married to a gentle and gorgeous Alpha, their relationship happy and stable, a mortgage on a three bedroom Tudor in an exclusive gated community in Dallas, a good career, and between his and Jared’s combined incomes, quite comfortable financially. The only thing missing was a child and Jensen knew he was not getting any younger. Visiting with their families and extended families over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays made him realize how much he wanted a child of his own and for the last two months they had been trying. Though the thought terrified him, Jensen went off his suppressants and went into heat for a week every month and during that week the Padaleckis wouldn’t leave their home.
“We made a baby this time,” Jensen sighed, happily, already mentally picking out superhero onesies for the new addition to their family. “I know we did.”
Jared nuzzled his throat, peppering it with little kisses, before turning his attention to Jensen’s mouth, already tender from their kisses, tongue snaking between Jensen’s lips to slide against Jensen’s.
“What do you want, Jare?” Jensen asked between kisses, sliding his fingers through Jared’s long sweat-damp brown hair. “Boy or girl?”
“Already told you. Doesn’t matter to me. A little “us” that is happy and healthy is all I want.”
Jensen sighed. Jared was right, boy or girl didn’t matter. A happy and healthy baby was all he wanted too.
* * *
Another test, another negative. Jensen tried to shake off the feeling that he was letting Jared down, letting them both down again, but with each passing test, each passing month, it got harder and harder. He and Jared went at it as often as was humanly possible while Jensen was in heat and even when he wasn’t. The result was the same: not pregnant.
“Well?” Jared asked, standing just inside the bathroom door. He looked so eager with his dimpled smile flashing and almond-shaped eyes sparkling with happiness, and, yet again, Jensen was going to disappoint him.
Jensen shook his head, managing a sad half smile. Whatever disappointment Jared felt didn’t show on his face or in his eyes, only a soft expression of compassion.
“Aww, Jen.” He came into the bathroom and wrapped Jensen in a warm embrace. “It’s okay. We’ll try again. When is your heat due to come around again?”
Jensen shrugged, not trusting himself to speak, struggling to keep his emotions in check. Didn’t really seem to matter, during his heat or not, although an Omega’s chances for conception were higher during a heat cycle than not.
“Didn’t one of your books say it can sometimes take six months to a year for a couple to conceive? We’ve only been trying for, what, four?”
Throat tight, Jensen nodded. He pulled from Jared’s embrace and walked back into their bedroom, sat on the bed, hands folded in his lap, head bowed.
“Babe?” Jared’s voice was soft, feet whispering as he crossed the plush carpet to sit on the bed next to Jensen.
“I want us to have a baby. We’re ready and we have so much to offer. I remember when I was pregnant all those years ago. I was scared as hell, sure, and mostly puking my guts up, but now I have you I want to share those things with you. I want a little girl with my hair and your dimples, or a boy with—”
“Your eyes and freckles,” Jared said with a soft smile, fingers caressing the caramel colored spots across Jensen’s nose and cheeks.
“You and your freckle fetish,” Jensen said, but a smile tugged up his mouth.
“Jen, you’ve been putting so much pressure on yourself. That stress can’t be good. It’ll happen for us, I know it will. You just need to relax and let nature take her course. I have an idea. How about we go to our place on Lake LBJ this weekend? We can relax. You can get in a round of golf, do some fishing, and play boat-captain. I can swim and ride the jet-ski. We can make love to enjoy each other and not to make a baby, unless you’re sick of making love with me?” Jared nudged Jensen with an elbow.
“Never get sick of you, you goof.” Jensen thought over everything Jared said. Maybe he was right. Jensen was stressing out about wanting to get pregnant, expecting to get pregnant nownownow. Maybe a weekend of relaxation would be just the thing, and seeing Jared dripping wet in his board shorts with his cut abs and lickable hip dents never hurt either.
“So…yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Jensen’s boat, The Devil’s Trap, was drifting, the warm May sun and gentle sound of the water slapping against the hull lulling Jensen into a doze. The Captain’s hat Jared had given him pulled down over his eyes, fishing rod gripped in one hand. A hard tug, almost ripping the rod from his slackened grip, pulled Jensen from his doze.
“Jared!” Jensen shouted gleefully. He glanced over his shoulder to where his Alpha was sunning himself on the deck, wearing his pristine white sailor cap, board shorts sitting so low on Jared’s hips they almost revealed the crack of his cute ass. “Jared! I got a bite!” He cranked the reel, bringing his fish in. It was a decent-sized Largemouth Bass. That would be a good dinner. Jensen laughed looking around for where his husband had disappeared to. “Jared! You seen my net? Jared!”
“Hey.” Jared’s voice low in his ear as he reached around Jensen to help get the bass onto the boat…or so it seemed. Jensen caught the wink of steel, heard the snip as Jared cut the fishing line sending Jensen’s bass back down into the lake.
Jensen dropped his rod on the deck, whirled to face his Alpha who was grinning like an imp—a six foot five imp. “Jared! You…! What’d you do that for?” On impulse, he pushed Jared. Jared’s arms pin-wheeled but he fell overboard and hit the water in an undignified sprawl of limbs, sailor cap bobbing on the water. Jared resurfaced a few seconds later, treading water he flipped Jensen off and began to swim for the dock.
Jensen hurried to the bridge to start the Devil’s Trap’s engine and heading to the dock, worried that Jared might really be mad at him. He hadn’t meant for Jared to fall overboard, but then Jared had no right to cut his fishing line. He got his boat into the boat slip, he disembarked and Jared was there on the dock, grinning in much the same way he had before he had cut Jensen’s line. He had a moment to be glad Jared wasn’t mad at him before he was pushed off the dock. He hit the lukewarm water with an ungraceful splash and Jared cannonballed in a moment later and began furiously splashing Jensen. Jensen shrieked and retaliated.
“That’s for me!” he shouted matching Jared splash for splash. “And this….” He charged toward Jared. “Is for my fish!” He dunked Jared under the water and made for the dock as quick as he could as Jared resurfaced spluttering. Jensen pulled himself on to the sun-baked wooden dock and ran flat-out to the cobblestone pathway that led back to their condo’s patio.
He burst through the side door, Jared a step or two behind, a gleeful smile on his face. Jensen crossed the threshold, turned to slam the door in Jared’s face only to be tackled and thrown down to the soft beige carpet. He had a momentary flashback to That Day, but it was burned away in the light of Jared’s smiling face. He shook his head, raining water droplets down on Jensen. Both men were breathless. Jared had goose bumps breaking out on his arms. Jensen’s nipples tightened to peaks. Jared leaned in, brushed his mouth across Jensen’s. Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared and pulled him down, sealing their mouths together in a deep tender kiss.
“You little shit,” Jared said without heat.
“I am not little.” Jensen was tall for an Omega at six foot one and worked out hard to build muscle on his naturally lithe frame. He may not have Jared’s Alpha bulk but Jensen was lean and cut. “And you started it by cutting my line.”
“Promise to make it up to you,” Jared drawled, giving Jensen an Eskimo kiss, as his eyes darkened with desire.
“You better, that was a sweet lookin’ fish.”
Jared took his mouth in a kiss, all heat and intent, teeth nibbling. Their hard cocks brushed together making both men gasp. Jensen shivered as Jared’s lips, mouth, and tongue licked the water from his body. Hands and fingers moved over him in reverent caresses. Each kiss, each touch, setting Jensen’s nerves alight. Jared moved lower, tugged Jensen's swim trunks down and off. His mouth hovered above Jensen’s aching cock. Jensen threaded his fingers through Jared’s hair. “Suck me,” his voice was rough and deep but still with a note of pleading, as if Jared would deny him.
Jared teased the head of Jensen’s cock with kitten licks, lapping up the clear fluid welling at the tip, before sealing his lips tight and taking Jensen deep. He bobbed up and down in long slow sucks that had Jensen panting. Jensen’s hips jerked up, forcing his cock deep into Jared’s throat. Jared took it easily, moaned around the thick length clogging his throat. Jensen gazed down, saw Jared’s pink lips stretched wide around his cock, groaned at the sight. Jared tapped his hip and winked. Jensen’s heart pounded as he slid his fingers through Jared’s hair, gripping tight, and thrust into the tight heat of Jared’s mouth, fucking his Alpha’s throat, getting such a high off the power and control of it.
On the brink of orgasm, Jensen pushed Jared away, maneuvered him onto his back in front of the elegant limestone fireplace. “Gonna ride you, Jare.”
“Mmm, fuck yeah,” Jared’s voice was wreaked from having his throat fucked, gazing at Jensen with hungry eyes.
He peeled off Jared's board shorts. The Alpha's cock was huge and hard, knot a noticeable bulge at the base. Heat washed over Jensen. His hole clenched in anticipation. He bracketed Jared’s hips and sank down on his cock. He was slick, but not producing copious amounts of his own lubrication as he would if he was in heat, and it still burned as Jared’s thick hard cock breached him. He rode him at a hard steady pace, soft grunts pushing out of Jared, his fingers dug into Jensen’s hips with bruising force. Jensen watched pleasure, love, and adoration chase each other across Jared’s face and shine from his eyes. When he felt the solid ball of Jared’s knot start to swell, he thrust down hard to take it, ground down to lock his Alpha in deep. The constant stimulation of his prostate had him coming, splashing thick hot seed on their bellies. Jared followed him into bliss, biting at the join of Jensen’s neck and shoulder as he shuddered through his own orgasm.
They came down together, kissing and caressing as they caught their breath. Jared got them into a comfortable position to lay in while they were tied together and proceeded to fall asleep. Jensen watched him sleep, as relaxed as Jensen had felt for awhile. Maybe it was being away from the city, away from the demands of Padalecki Bros. Advertising. As Jensen drifted off to sleep, Jared’s strong heartbeat against his, he had a good feeling a baby was growing inside him.
Two weeks later when Jensen’s heat started he knew the truth: not pregnant again.
* * *
This was the one. Jensen knew it, was sure he was pregnant this time. He had had a similar feeling after their weekend away at Lake LBJ a month ago, only to meet with disappointment again of a negative test. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could take this. Each negative test was more crushing than the last.
He had been feeling off for the last week or so and the most telling symptom was that his heat had stopped. Jared had insisted Jensen stay home the last couple of days because he was feeling so drained and Jensen even had bouts of nausea. Jensen never thought he’d be so happy about throwing up.
He paced back and forth waiting for the five minutes to be up, time seemed to be dragging by. Jensen couldn’t stop smiling, already patting his still flat and toned abdomen. Soon it would soften and grow round with his and Jared’s child.
He wanted to wait until Jared got home and share the moment of a positive pregnancy test with his Alpha husband, but he was too anxious and exhilarated. He knew just how he wanted to tell Jared too. Without even checking the test, though the alarm on his phone chirped and told him time was up, he grabbed his keys and wallet and headed out the door.
His first and only stop was to Babies R Us. He wandered around the store looking at the other mothers and fathers shopping, breathing in the smells and sounds as he made a mental list of big ticket items he liked, such as cribs, changing tables and strollers. Maybe he should make a registry. After walking all through the store Jensen bought three items: a gender neutral baby book, a onesie with the Batman symbol on the chest, and another one, because he couldn’t resist it, that said ‘Handsome Just Like My Daddy’. As he headed to out to the parking lot he checked his watch. Shit, quarter after five. Jared would be coming home soon and Jensen wanted to beat him there and show him his new purchases…before Jared had a chance to find the positive pregnancy test and ruin the surprise.
He pulled into their driveway and hurried inside. He laid out the baby book and onesies on their bed, changing their position a few times for before he was satisfied. He peeled the cellophane from the baby book and opened it to the first blank page and laid each onesie on either side of it. He knew just what to put on the first page. He went into the en suite and picked up the pregnancy test from the counter. He glanced down at it and the world caved in.
Negative.
That…that just wasn’t possible. His heat had stopped. The test was wrong! It had to be wrong! On numb legs, Jensen went into the bedroom and sank onto the bed, beside the onesies and baby book. His chest tightened—The test was wrong. The test was wrong—and tears welled in his eyes. The negative—wrongwrongwrong—test slipped from his fingers to the floor as he hugged himself around the middle, cradling the baby he knew was growing in him. Deep mournful sobs bubbled up and spilled from his lips.
Distantly, he heard Jared calling for him from downstairs. How was he going to tell Jared he had failed them yet again?
“Jen? Babe, ya home?”
Jensen took in a breath, to call out, but the only thing that came out was a strangled cry. A moment later his Alpha came into their room.
“Jensen, what’s wrong?” He knelt at Jensen’s feet looking up at him, features sharp with alarm.
“Negative!” Jensen could hear the hysterical note in his voice. He struggled to get himself under control. “I was so sure, the fatigue, nausea, my fucking heat stopped!”
Jared rose to his feet, he had the test Jensen had dropped in his hand. Jensen kept his eyes trained on the floor, not wanting to see the look of disappointment he knew would be on Jared’s face. The bed dipped as Jared sat beside him, a comforting arm rested across Jensen’s shoulders. He leaned into his Alpha’s side, hiding his face.
“Maybe the test is wrong,” Jared’s voice was soft and even, washing over Jensen like a balm. “You said it yourself, your heat stopped.”
Jensen raised his head, Jared’s eyes were warm and gentle as always. “I don’t know if I can take another negative, Jay. I’ve never felt like this before. I’m beginning to lose hope.”
Jared sighed, held him tighter. “Well, let’s make an appointment with your Andrologist see if the test is wrong. If it is maybe we should see someone about fertility issues. Maybe the problem is me, ever think of that?”
Jensen scoffed. Jared was an Alpha in his prime. No way would their problems conceiving lay with him. Jensen knew he was the one at fault. Rape. Miscarriage. Severe damage and scarring. Though the thought of having his fears confirmed terrified him, Jared was right. They needed to have this negative confirmed and then they could figure out together how to proceed. Maybe they could adopt or find a surrogate. In the end, it didn’t matter if Jensen carried the child or not, he just wanted to be a father and knew Jared did as well.
“Okay. I’ll make the appointment.”
Jensen’s Andrologist was a pretty and personable Beta named Sandra McCoy. Jared had already been to his doctor and had a complete check up. His blood testosterone levels were in range for his age and as expected his ejaculate volume, something only Alphas were tested for, sperm count and motility were excellent. Jared was a healthy and virile Alpha and soon Dr. McCoy was going to come in and tell them that Jensen was at the root of their fertility problems. His stomach was in knots as he sat on the exam table in his mint green gown, Jared by his side, holding his hand, thumb brushing back and forth across his pulse point.
“Good afternoon, Jensen.” Dr. McCoy gave him a bright dimpled smile as she entered the room. “Mr. Padalecki, nice to see you.” She shook Jared’s hand. “I don’t think we’ve met before.” She took a seat on the black rolling stool.
“Nice to meet you, too. No, I’ve never had reason to come with Jensen to his appointments before.”
Pleasantries exchanged, the doctor’s face took on a professional detachment as she flipped through the papers in his file.
Jensen gripped Jared’s hand tighter. He swallowed hard, throat gone dry. “Was the home test wrong? Am I pregnant?”
“No, I’m sorry.”
Disbelief rose inside him like a wave. “But, my heat stopped and I’ve been vomiting and I’m tired all the time!”
Dr. McCoy remained as cool as ever, but her voice was soft with sympathy and concern when she spoke. “I know. Here’s what I think is going on. I believe you’re suffering from something called Pseudocyesis, a false pregnancy. Your nausea and fatigue brought on by your intense desire to be pregnant. That’s also why your heat stopped. Your mind has tricked your body into believing you’re pregnant.”
Jensen sat stunned. False pregnancy? He didn’t even know that was a real thing, but apparently it was, complete with a fancy scientific name. Jared was a strong reassuring presence at his side.
“I hate to bear more bad news, but, Jensen, it’s my opinion based on everything I’ve found during your exams and read in your file that it will be unlikely you’ll ever be able to get pregnant.”
“It’s because of what happened to me when I was twelve, isn’t it? The doctors said there was damage and scarring after.”
Dr. McCoy nodded, eyes sad. “I’m afraid so. I could do an ultrasound right now to show you the scarring in your womb. It makes for very inhospitable place for Jared’s seed to take root. And there is something else.”
Jensen blinked, a tear rolled down his cheek. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take. Jared lifted Jensen’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles, before resting their entwined hands in the center of his chest.
“Have you ever come off your suppressants since you started taking them?” Dr. McCoy inquired.
“No,” Jensen answered with a slight shake of his head, face scrunching in confusion. “I never wanted what happened to me to happen again. Ever.”
“Understandable, but, Jensen, there is a reason Omegas come off them, and have at least two heat cycles a year. It regulates hormones. You’ve been on Ompressant for twenty uninterrupted years and—”
“But I’ve been going into heat! For the last six months we’ve been trying, I’ve been going into heat regularly! How can my hormones be fucked up?”
“Jensen, calm down,” Jared placed a heavy hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
“While your Estradiol levels are normal—that’s what controls your heat cycles—your Follicle-stimulating hormone and Luteinizing hormone levels which work together and impact fertility and conception, but not the heat cycle itself, are out of whack. Normally, I would recommend staying off suppressants for a year and wait for them to adjust and regulate before trying again, but with your issues of scarring, as I’ve already said it’s unlikely you’ll be able to conceive. I am so sorry, gentlemen.”
“Thank you, doctor,” Jared said, voice quiet and controlled and Jensen didn’t understand how Jared could sound so. Inside Jensen was crumbling.
Dr. McCoy gave another of those sympathetic smiles. “I’ll let you have some time.” She stood and left the exam room, closing the door with a quiet click behind her.
Jensen was up off the exam table in a flash, arm sweeping across the counter with the jars of cotton balls and swabs on it, knocking everything to the floor with a clatter. With a wounded noise he kicked the trashcan, sending it flying across the tiny room. He wanted to destroy everything, loose his anger but it wouldn’t be enough. "Fucking useless Omega!” he cursed himself. “Can’t breed!"
"Jensen.” Jared’s tone was sharp and cracked like a whip. It was his Alpha voice and not a tone Jensen heard very often, and never directed at him. Jared gripped Jensen’s biceps, fingers digging in but not enough to be painful, enough to still Jensen and rein him in. His gaze was stern as he stared into Jensen’s watery eyes. "You do not get to talk about yourself like that. Understand me? You are not useless. This is not your fault."
"But it is! If I hadn't been so stupid and tried to lie to myself about going into hea—"
"Stop. Right now. What happened to you was horrifying, but you survived and you're stronger than anyone I know, Alpha, Beta, or Omega and I am so damn lucky to have you. So you can't breed. It isn't a big deal. I’m not sure I want kids anyway. I have you and you are more than enough.” Jared wrapped him in a tight hug and held him.
Jensen gave into his tears and held tight to his Alpha. Despite the despair and anguish he was feeling after everything Dr McCoy had told him, Jared’s words “I’m not sure I want kids” rang the loudest and hurt the most.
Chapter Two
Author: Rose
Pairing Jared/Jensen
Rating NC-17
Words 28,900-ish
Warnings/Enticements Mpreg, knotting, A/B/O dynamics, scene of nonexplicit noncon
Summary: At the tender age of twelve Jensen unexpectedly went into heat and was the victim of a brutal attack, the result of which was pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. Twenty years later Jensen is happily married to his Alpha, Jared Padalecki. For the past several months they have been trying for a child only to be dealt with false hopes and ultimately the devastating news that Jensen is unlikely to conceive. A moment of passion changes everything but will a few misspoken words rip away everything Jensen has ever wanted?
Author’s Notes: Written for the 2014
spnmpregbb. For more extensive Author's Notes see the Fic MasterPostChapter One, March 2011
Jensen moaned and writhed beneath his husband, Jared, feeling the Alpha’s knot start to swell and tug at his rim. Jensen tightened his legs around Jared’s hips, as his fast thrusts turned into slow rolls of his hips, rutting, grinding, knot rubbing against Jensen’s prostate wrenching another orgasm from him.
“Oh, fuck, Jensen!” Jared groaned, burying his head in the crook of Jensen’s neck as he succumbed to his own orgasm.
Jensen ran his hands down Jared's back, feeling the minute trembles running through his body. His Alpha's intoxicating spicy sweet scent enveloped him. His knot locked inside Jensen, pumping stream after stream of cum into him.
Jensen closed his eyes and reflected on everything that had brought him to this point. He had gone off the rails as a teenager: he drank, got violent, committed petty crimes, and all of it stemmed from the trauma he had suffered when he was twelve but hadn’t fully dealt with. Eventually his bad behavior had gotten him kicked out of his parents’ home. He sometimes thought that had been the aim of his rebellion all along, to be out from under their coddling. Jensen at thirteen had less freedom than his little sister at six. From the ages of fifteen on, he lived with Jason, who presented as an Omega at the age of fourteen, and his family. With their help and that of the good therapist the Manns’ found for him, Jensen straightened out his behavior.
Jensen went to college, majored in Business with a minor in Economics and got an entry level position at an advertising firm. He and Jason even tried the couple thing but the chemistry wasn’t there. Their friendship remained, maybe even a little stronger for it. Jensen had few serious relationships, content to have casual one-nighters or Friends with Benefits with Betas or the occasional Omega, but never an Alpha. Alphas still sent a little tremor of terror through him. The thought of being pinned beneath a big powerful Alpha, being knotted, was not something he was interested in—at least it wasn’t until he met Jared Padalecki.
Jensen met his Alpha when he was twenty-five at his company Christmas party. The COO and younger brother of the Padalecki Brothers Advertising’s owner/CEO Jeff Padalecki, Jared was everything an Alpha should be: confident, tall, and broad, but with an easy going manner and sweetness that charmed Jensen from the start. He was not aggressive in his pursuit of Jensen, but he was relentless. In the end Jensen could not deny the attraction and natural Alpha/Omega chemistry between them. When they gave in to it, it was explosive and Jensen wondered why the hell he had been resisting so much.
He had been dating Jared for a year before he confided in the Alpha what happened to him when he was twelve. Jared had only nodded in quiet understanding and acceptance, not pushing for details or forcing Jensen to relive the pain. That had been when Jensen realized Jared was The One.
They dated for three years before Jared proposed. Their engagement lasted another year, but that was Jared, always patient, making sure Jensen had his space and time. Here Jensen was about to turn thirty-three, married to a gentle and gorgeous Alpha, their relationship happy and stable, a mortgage on a three bedroom Tudor in an exclusive gated community in Dallas, a good career, and between his and Jared’s combined incomes, quite comfortable financially. The only thing missing was a child and Jensen knew he was not getting any younger. Visiting with their families and extended families over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays made him realize how much he wanted a child of his own and for the last two months they had been trying. Though the thought terrified him, Jensen went off his suppressants and went into heat for a week every month and during that week the Padaleckis wouldn’t leave their home.
“We made a baby this time,” Jensen sighed, happily, already mentally picking out superhero onesies for the new addition to their family. “I know we did.”
Jared nuzzled his throat, peppering it with little kisses, before turning his attention to Jensen’s mouth, already tender from their kisses, tongue snaking between Jensen’s lips to slide against Jensen’s.
“What do you want, Jare?” Jensen asked between kisses, sliding his fingers through Jared’s long sweat-damp brown hair. “Boy or girl?”
“Already told you. Doesn’t matter to me. A little “us” that is happy and healthy is all I want.”
Jensen sighed. Jared was right, boy or girl didn’t matter. A happy and healthy baby was all he wanted too.
Another test, another negative. Jensen tried to shake off the feeling that he was letting Jared down, letting them both down again, but with each passing test, each passing month, it got harder and harder. He and Jared went at it as often as was humanly possible while Jensen was in heat and even when he wasn’t. The result was the same: not pregnant.
“Well?” Jared asked, standing just inside the bathroom door. He looked so eager with his dimpled smile flashing and almond-shaped eyes sparkling with happiness, and, yet again, Jensen was going to disappoint him.
Jensen shook his head, managing a sad half smile. Whatever disappointment Jared felt didn’t show on his face or in his eyes, only a soft expression of compassion.
“Aww, Jen.” He came into the bathroom and wrapped Jensen in a warm embrace. “It’s okay. We’ll try again. When is your heat due to come around again?”
Jensen shrugged, not trusting himself to speak, struggling to keep his emotions in check. Didn’t really seem to matter, during his heat or not, although an Omega’s chances for conception were higher during a heat cycle than not.
“Didn’t one of your books say it can sometimes take six months to a year for a couple to conceive? We’ve only been trying for, what, four?”
Throat tight, Jensen nodded. He pulled from Jared’s embrace and walked back into their bedroom, sat on the bed, hands folded in his lap, head bowed.
“Babe?” Jared’s voice was soft, feet whispering as he crossed the plush carpet to sit on the bed next to Jensen.
“I want us to have a baby. We’re ready and we have so much to offer. I remember when I was pregnant all those years ago. I was scared as hell, sure, and mostly puking my guts up, but now I have you I want to share those things with you. I want a little girl with my hair and your dimples, or a boy with—”
“Your eyes and freckles,” Jared said with a soft smile, fingers caressing the caramel colored spots across Jensen’s nose and cheeks.
“You and your freckle fetish,” Jensen said, but a smile tugged up his mouth.
“Jen, you’ve been putting so much pressure on yourself. That stress can’t be good. It’ll happen for us, I know it will. You just need to relax and let nature take her course. I have an idea. How about we go to our place on Lake LBJ this weekend? We can relax. You can get in a round of golf, do some fishing, and play boat-captain. I can swim and ride the jet-ski. We can make love to enjoy each other and not to make a baby, unless you’re sick of making love with me?” Jared nudged Jensen with an elbow.
“Never get sick of you, you goof.” Jensen thought over everything Jared said. Maybe he was right. Jensen was stressing out about wanting to get pregnant, expecting to get pregnant nownownow. Maybe a weekend of relaxation would be just the thing, and seeing Jared dripping wet in his board shorts with his cut abs and lickable hip dents never hurt either.
“So…yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Jensen’s boat, The Devil’s Trap, was drifting, the warm May sun and gentle sound of the water slapping against the hull lulling Jensen into a doze. The Captain’s hat Jared had given him pulled down over his eyes, fishing rod gripped in one hand. A hard tug, almost ripping the rod from his slackened grip, pulled Jensen from his doze.
“Jared!” Jensen shouted gleefully. He glanced over his shoulder to where his Alpha was sunning himself on the deck, wearing his pristine white sailor cap, board shorts sitting so low on Jared’s hips they almost revealed the crack of his cute ass. “Jared! I got a bite!” He cranked the reel, bringing his fish in. It was a decent-sized Largemouth Bass. That would be a good dinner. Jensen laughed looking around for where his husband had disappeared to. “Jared! You seen my net? Jared!”
“Hey.” Jared’s voice low in his ear as he reached around Jensen to help get the bass onto the boat…or so it seemed. Jensen caught the wink of steel, heard the snip as Jared cut the fishing line sending Jensen’s bass back down into the lake.
Jensen dropped his rod on the deck, whirled to face his Alpha who was grinning like an imp—a six foot five imp. “Jared! You…! What’d you do that for?” On impulse, he pushed Jared. Jared’s arms pin-wheeled but he fell overboard and hit the water in an undignified sprawl of limbs, sailor cap bobbing on the water. Jared resurfaced a few seconds later, treading water he flipped Jensen off and began to swim for the dock.
Jensen hurried to the bridge to start the Devil’s Trap’s engine and heading to the dock, worried that Jared might really be mad at him. He hadn’t meant for Jared to fall overboard, but then Jared had no right to cut his fishing line. He got his boat into the boat slip, he disembarked and Jared was there on the dock, grinning in much the same way he had before he had cut Jensen’s line. He had a moment to be glad Jared wasn’t mad at him before he was pushed off the dock. He hit the lukewarm water with an ungraceful splash and Jared cannonballed in a moment later and began furiously splashing Jensen. Jensen shrieked and retaliated.
“That’s for me!” he shouted matching Jared splash for splash. “And this….” He charged toward Jared. “Is for my fish!” He dunked Jared under the water and made for the dock as quick as he could as Jared resurfaced spluttering. Jensen pulled himself on to the sun-baked wooden dock and ran flat-out to the cobblestone pathway that led back to their condo’s patio.
He burst through the side door, Jared a step or two behind, a gleeful smile on his face. Jensen crossed the threshold, turned to slam the door in Jared’s face only to be tackled and thrown down to the soft beige carpet. He had a momentary flashback to That Day, but it was burned away in the light of Jared’s smiling face. He shook his head, raining water droplets down on Jensen. Both men were breathless. Jared had goose bumps breaking out on his arms. Jensen’s nipples tightened to peaks. Jared leaned in, brushed his mouth across Jensen’s. Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared and pulled him down, sealing their mouths together in a deep tender kiss.
“You little shit,” Jared said without heat.
“I am not little.” Jensen was tall for an Omega at six foot one and worked out hard to build muscle on his naturally lithe frame. He may not have Jared’s Alpha bulk but Jensen was lean and cut. “And you started it by cutting my line.”
“Promise to make it up to you,” Jared drawled, giving Jensen an Eskimo kiss, as his eyes darkened with desire.
“You better, that was a sweet lookin’ fish.”
Jared took his mouth in a kiss, all heat and intent, teeth nibbling. Their hard cocks brushed together making both men gasp. Jensen shivered as Jared’s lips, mouth, and tongue licked the water from his body. Hands and fingers moved over him in reverent caresses. Each kiss, each touch, setting Jensen’s nerves alight. Jared moved lower, tugged Jensen's swim trunks down and off. His mouth hovered above Jensen’s aching cock. Jensen threaded his fingers through Jared’s hair. “Suck me,” his voice was rough and deep but still with a note of pleading, as if Jared would deny him.
Jared teased the head of Jensen’s cock with kitten licks, lapping up the clear fluid welling at the tip, before sealing his lips tight and taking Jensen deep. He bobbed up and down in long slow sucks that had Jensen panting. Jensen’s hips jerked up, forcing his cock deep into Jared’s throat. Jared took it easily, moaned around the thick length clogging his throat. Jensen gazed down, saw Jared’s pink lips stretched wide around his cock, groaned at the sight. Jared tapped his hip and winked. Jensen’s heart pounded as he slid his fingers through Jared’s hair, gripping tight, and thrust into the tight heat of Jared’s mouth, fucking his Alpha’s throat, getting such a high off the power and control of it.
On the brink of orgasm, Jensen pushed Jared away, maneuvered him onto his back in front of the elegant limestone fireplace. “Gonna ride you, Jare.”
“Mmm, fuck yeah,” Jared’s voice was wreaked from having his throat fucked, gazing at Jensen with hungry eyes.
He peeled off Jared's board shorts. The Alpha's cock was huge and hard, knot a noticeable bulge at the base. Heat washed over Jensen. His hole clenched in anticipation. He bracketed Jared’s hips and sank down on his cock. He was slick, but not producing copious amounts of his own lubrication as he would if he was in heat, and it still burned as Jared’s thick hard cock breached him. He rode him at a hard steady pace, soft grunts pushing out of Jared, his fingers dug into Jensen’s hips with bruising force. Jensen watched pleasure, love, and adoration chase each other across Jared’s face and shine from his eyes. When he felt the solid ball of Jared’s knot start to swell, he thrust down hard to take it, ground down to lock his Alpha in deep. The constant stimulation of his prostate had him coming, splashing thick hot seed on their bellies. Jared followed him into bliss, biting at the join of Jensen’s neck and shoulder as he shuddered through his own orgasm.
They came down together, kissing and caressing as they caught their breath. Jared got them into a comfortable position to lay in while they were tied together and proceeded to fall asleep. Jensen watched him sleep, as relaxed as Jensen had felt for awhile. Maybe it was being away from the city, away from the demands of Padalecki Bros. Advertising. As Jensen drifted off to sleep, Jared’s strong heartbeat against his, he had a good feeling a baby was growing inside him.
Two weeks later when Jensen’s heat started he knew the truth: not pregnant again.
This was the one. Jensen knew it, was sure he was pregnant this time. He had had a similar feeling after their weekend away at Lake LBJ a month ago, only to meet with disappointment again of a negative test. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could take this. Each negative test was more crushing than the last.
He had been feeling off for the last week or so and the most telling symptom was that his heat had stopped. Jared had insisted Jensen stay home the last couple of days because he was feeling so drained and Jensen even had bouts of nausea. Jensen never thought he’d be so happy about throwing up.
He paced back and forth waiting for the five minutes to be up, time seemed to be dragging by. Jensen couldn’t stop smiling, already patting his still flat and toned abdomen. Soon it would soften and grow round with his and Jared’s child.
He wanted to wait until Jared got home and share the moment of a positive pregnancy test with his Alpha husband, but he was too anxious and exhilarated. He knew just how he wanted to tell Jared too. Without even checking the test, though the alarm on his phone chirped and told him time was up, he grabbed his keys and wallet and headed out the door.
His first and only stop was to Babies R Us. He wandered around the store looking at the other mothers and fathers shopping, breathing in the smells and sounds as he made a mental list of big ticket items he liked, such as cribs, changing tables and strollers. Maybe he should make a registry. After walking all through the store Jensen bought three items: a gender neutral baby book, a onesie with the Batman symbol on the chest, and another one, because he couldn’t resist it, that said ‘Handsome Just Like My Daddy’. As he headed to out to the parking lot he checked his watch. Shit, quarter after five. Jared would be coming home soon and Jensen wanted to beat him there and show him his new purchases…before Jared had a chance to find the positive pregnancy test and ruin the surprise.
He pulled into their driveway and hurried inside. He laid out the baby book and onesies on their bed, changing their position a few times for before he was satisfied. He peeled the cellophane from the baby book and opened it to the first blank page and laid each onesie on either side of it. He knew just what to put on the first page. He went into the en suite and picked up the pregnancy test from the counter. He glanced down at it and the world caved in.
Negative.
That…that just wasn’t possible. His heat had stopped. The test was wrong! It had to be wrong! On numb legs, Jensen went into the bedroom and sank onto the bed, beside the onesies and baby book. His chest tightened—The test was wrong. The test was wrong—and tears welled in his eyes. The negative—wrongwrongwrong—test slipped from his fingers to the floor as he hugged himself around the middle, cradling the baby he knew was growing in him. Deep mournful sobs bubbled up and spilled from his lips.
Distantly, he heard Jared calling for him from downstairs. How was he going to tell Jared he had failed them yet again?
“Jen? Babe, ya home?”
Jensen took in a breath, to call out, but the only thing that came out was a strangled cry. A moment later his Alpha came into their room.
“Jensen, what’s wrong?” He knelt at Jensen’s feet looking up at him, features sharp with alarm.
“Negative!” Jensen could hear the hysterical note in his voice. He struggled to get himself under control. “I was so sure, the fatigue, nausea, my fucking heat stopped!”
Jared rose to his feet, he had the test Jensen had dropped in his hand. Jensen kept his eyes trained on the floor, not wanting to see the look of disappointment he knew would be on Jared’s face. The bed dipped as Jared sat beside him, a comforting arm rested across Jensen’s shoulders. He leaned into his Alpha’s side, hiding his face.
“Maybe the test is wrong,” Jared’s voice was soft and even, washing over Jensen like a balm. “You said it yourself, your heat stopped.”
Jensen raised his head, Jared’s eyes were warm and gentle as always. “I don’t know if I can take another negative, Jay. I’ve never felt like this before. I’m beginning to lose hope.”
Jared sighed, held him tighter. “Well, let’s make an appointment with your Andrologist see if the test is wrong. If it is maybe we should see someone about fertility issues. Maybe the problem is me, ever think of that?”
Jensen scoffed. Jared was an Alpha in his prime. No way would their problems conceiving lay with him. Jensen knew he was the one at fault. Rape. Miscarriage. Severe damage and scarring. Though the thought of having his fears confirmed terrified him, Jared was right. They needed to have this negative confirmed and then they could figure out together how to proceed. Maybe they could adopt or find a surrogate. In the end, it didn’t matter if Jensen carried the child or not, he just wanted to be a father and knew Jared did as well.
“Okay. I’ll make the appointment.”
Jensen’s Andrologist was a pretty and personable Beta named Sandra McCoy. Jared had already been to his doctor and had a complete check up. His blood testosterone levels were in range for his age and as expected his ejaculate volume, something only Alphas were tested for, sperm count and motility were excellent. Jared was a healthy and virile Alpha and soon Dr. McCoy was going to come in and tell them that Jensen was at the root of their fertility problems. His stomach was in knots as he sat on the exam table in his mint green gown, Jared by his side, holding his hand, thumb brushing back and forth across his pulse point.
“Good afternoon, Jensen.” Dr. McCoy gave him a bright dimpled smile as she entered the room. “Mr. Padalecki, nice to see you.” She shook Jared’s hand. “I don’t think we’ve met before.” She took a seat on the black rolling stool.
“Nice to meet you, too. No, I’ve never had reason to come with Jensen to his appointments before.”
Pleasantries exchanged, the doctor’s face took on a professional detachment as she flipped through the papers in his file.
Jensen gripped Jared’s hand tighter. He swallowed hard, throat gone dry. “Was the home test wrong? Am I pregnant?”
“No, I’m sorry.”
Disbelief rose inside him like a wave. “But, my heat stopped and I’ve been vomiting and I’m tired all the time!”
Dr. McCoy remained as cool as ever, but her voice was soft with sympathy and concern when she spoke. “I know. Here’s what I think is going on. I believe you’re suffering from something called Pseudocyesis, a false pregnancy. Your nausea and fatigue brought on by your intense desire to be pregnant. That’s also why your heat stopped. Your mind has tricked your body into believing you’re pregnant.”
Jensen sat stunned. False pregnancy? He didn’t even know that was a real thing, but apparently it was, complete with a fancy scientific name. Jared was a strong reassuring presence at his side.
“I hate to bear more bad news, but, Jensen, it’s my opinion based on everything I’ve found during your exams and read in your file that it will be unlikely you’ll ever be able to get pregnant.”
“It’s because of what happened to me when I was twelve, isn’t it? The doctors said there was damage and scarring after.”
Dr. McCoy nodded, eyes sad. “I’m afraid so. I could do an ultrasound right now to show you the scarring in your womb. It makes for very inhospitable place for Jared’s seed to take root. And there is something else.”
Jensen blinked, a tear rolled down his cheek. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take. Jared lifted Jensen’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles, before resting their entwined hands in the center of his chest.
“Have you ever come off your suppressants since you started taking them?” Dr. McCoy inquired.
“No,” Jensen answered with a slight shake of his head, face scrunching in confusion. “I never wanted what happened to me to happen again. Ever.”
“Understandable, but, Jensen, there is a reason Omegas come off them, and have at least two heat cycles a year. It regulates hormones. You’ve been on Ompressant for twenty uninterrupted years and—”
“But I’ve been going into heat! For the last six months we’ve been trying, I’ve been going into heat regularly! How can my hormones be fucked up?”
“Jensen, calm down,” Jared placed a heavy hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
“While your Estradiol levels are normal—that’s what controls your heat cycles—your Follicle-stimulating hormone and Luteinizing hormone levels which work together and impact fertility and conception, but not the heat cycle itself, are out of whack. Normally, I would recommend staying off suppressants for a year and wait for them to adjust and regulate before trying again, but with your issues of scarring, as I’ve already said it’s unlikely you’ll be able to conceive. I am so sorry, gentlemen.”
“Thank you, doctor,” Jared said, voice quiet and controlled and Jensen didn’t understand how Jared could sound so. Inside Jensen was crumbling.
Dr. McCoy gave another of those sympathetic smiles. “I’ll let you have some time.” She stood and left the exam room, closing the door with a quiet click behind her.
Jensen was up off the exam table in a flash, arm sweeping across the counter with the jars of cotton balls and swabs on it, knocking everything to the floor with a clatter. With a wounded noise he kicked the trashcan, sending it flying across the tiny room. He wanted to destroy everything, loose his anger but it wouldn’t be enough. "Fucking useless Omega!” he cursed himself. “Can’t breed!"
"Jensen.” Jared’s tone was sharp and cracked like a whip. It was his Alpha voice and not a tone Jensen heard very often, and never directed at him. Jared gripped Jensen’s biceps, fingers digging in but not enough to be painful, enough to still Jensen and rein him in. His gaze was stern as he stared into Jensen’s watery eyes. "You do not get to talk about yourself like that. Understand me? You are not useless. This is not your fault."
"But it is! If I hadn't been so stupid and tried to lie to myself about going into hea—"
"Stop. Right now. What happened to you was horrifying, but you survived and you're stronger than anyone I know, Alpha, Beta, or Omega and I am so damn lucky to have you. So you can't breed. It isn't a big deal. I’m not sure I want kids anyway. I have you and you are more than enough.” Jared wrapped him in a tight hug and held him.
Jensen gave into his tears and held tight to his Alpha. Despite the despair and anguish he was feeling after everything Dr McCoy had told him, Jared’s words “I’m not sure I want kids” rang the loudest and hurt the most.
Chapter Two
