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Title: Ohne Dich
Author: rose-the-hat
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: R
Words: 301K-ish
Summary: In which Jared is seriously hurt, and Jensen breaks down
Notes: : Final installment in the October Rust ‘Verse. Previous reading is necessary.
The Power Behind The Throne was just supposed to be a one-shot PWP about a mob boss who was submissive to his subordinate. As I worked on it, it got more plotty. Then, I wrote the sequel, King Nothing. Then I wrote a timestamp, and a sequel to that. Now, I give you the finale.
Thank you to anyone and everyone who has read, commented, or left kudos. Thank you to Jen, for looking things over (and over and over) and listening, and for providing art. She’s a great lady.
Title comes from a song by the German industrial metal band Rammstein.
Shrill alarms startle Jensen from his light uneasy sleep. He realizes immediately something is wrong. He bolts up from the chair-bed he had folded himself onto and his gaze falls on Jared moving jerky and restless on the bed. Jensen’s first horrifying thought is that Jared’s fever shot back up and he’s having a seizure. A second later he realizes Jared’s eyes are wide open, too lucid and terrified to be feverish. Jensen cannot feel a moment’s happiness that Jared is awake because Jared’s bleeding at the crook of his elbow where he has torn his IVs out and with clumsy fingers he’s clawing at the tube and surgical tape attaching it to his mouth, attempting to remove the breathing tube jammed down his throat. The heart monitor beeps at a frenetic pace. The IV pump alarm sounds. Jensen is terrified Jared is going to tear the incision in his chest wide open. It feels like minutes but in reality is only a few seconds before Jensen is lunging toward Jared.
“Jared!” He grabs Jared’s hands and pulls them away from his mouth. “Please, stop, okay. You were hurt bad and you’re in the hospital. Calm down for me, okay?” He knows it won’t be long before nurses and CNAs come pouring in. He can hear stirring from the central nursing station. He wants to get Jared calmed down before they do. “I’m okay, Jared. I swear. I’m okay. Please lay still for me. I know you’re scared. But I’m okay.”
Jared’s terrified gaze fixes on Jensen. His eyes mist over, then tears fall from his eyes. Jensen squeezes his hands, careful of the IV port still attached to the back of it. His heart lifts when he feels Jared squeeze back.
Nurses Lindsey, Julie, and two CNAs rush into the room. Jensen turns to them. “Please, don’t order me to leave. He’s scared and doesn’t know what’s going on. Lindsey, please.”
She turns to the CNAs, “I can handle this,” she says to the CNAs, who depart. To Julie she says. “Page Dr. Connell. I got ‘im.” The red-haired Julie gazes from Jared to Lindsay again before she’s leaving.
“He’s fighting the ventilator.” Lindsay is glancing at the array of monitors and equipment, understanding things Jensen cannot. “He’s not in respiratory distress. It’s most likely anxiety induced. Get him to calm down or he’ll have to be sedated again.”
Jared’s eyes widen and he shakes his head; he begins to restlessly move on the bed.
“Jared, please. I know you’re scared and you don’t understand what’s going on, but I’m okay. You are not. Please calm down and lay still. You have to, Jared. You….” he swallows knowing the one thing he can say to bring Jared to heel. “You’re hurting me by doing this.”
Jared’s terrified eyes shift into guilt and grief. “Just lay still for me. Let the machine help you breathe. It sucks and its uncomfortable but don’t fight anymore. Please.” Jared ceases his agitated shifting. After a few moments the heart monitor slows to a more normal and sedate pace; Jared’s breathing once again syncs up with the ventilator.
“Very good,” Lindsay says standing beside Jensen and giving Jared a smile. “It’s nice to see you wake, Mr. Ackles.”
Jared’s eyes are wary and watchful, shifting from Jensen to Lindsay.
“This is Lindsey,” Jensen informs. “She takes care of you during the day. Or sometimes it’s the redhead, Julie. Or a nice fella named Demore. He’s bleeding,” Jensen tells Lindsay, pointing to the crook of Jared’s arm.
“He’s torn his catheter out.” She turns off the IV pump, then crosses the room to pluck a pair of gloves from the dispenser. “I’ll clean everything up and get you hooked back up. There are important meds in those IVs that you need.”
“You were shot. Do you remember that?” Jensen asks, squeezing Jared’s hand.
Jared shakes his head.
“Your lung was injured, that’s why you’re on a ventilator. Let it help you breathe.”
Jared grips Jensen’s with bruising force and his eyes widen in urgency. Jensen feels elated at the strength in it. “I’m okay,” Jensen assures. “Colin, Em, and the kids are all okay, too.” He wants to tell Jared more, but cannot while Lindsay is present.
He can read the relief in Jared’s eyes.
Lindsay hums cheerily as she efficiently cleans and bandages Jared’s arm. “I just need to get some fresh supplies and you’ll be all fixed up.”
Suddenly Jared stirs, moving as if he wants to get out of bed.
“Jared. Stop,” Jensen says sternly. If Jared keeps acting out they will sedate him again.
Jared shakes his head, making urgent noises around the tube. He motions frantically to his lower body.
Jensen has a horrifying thought that Jared can’t feel his legs or something. “What? Can you feel your legs?”
Jared nods, but continues motioning to his lower half. He seems to grow agitated with Jensen’s lack of understanding and presses his hand to Jensen’s cock. Heat flushes Jensen’s cheeks. Jared can’t…be horny can he? No, not with those pleading eyes.
“Bathroom?” Jensen inquires.
Jared nods frantically.
“Mr. Ackles, you have a Foley catheter inserted,” Lindsey says, removing her gloves. “So if you need to urinate, just let go and it’ll take care of itself.”
Jared makes a whimpering sound, still moving restlessly.
“I know it’s uncomfortable, but I swear you won’t pee yourself, Mr. Ackles,” Lindsey says. “Give me a second and I’ll be right back,” she says and departs.
Jensen pulls up the plastic chair close to Jared’s bed. He glances at the foley bag hanging at the corner of the bed and sees urine filling it. Jared’s eyes dart around the room.
“I think you’ve been here four days,” Jensen sighs. It feels a lot longer than that. “I’m not exactly sure. You were shot in the lung and it collapsed. You need a little help breathing for now.” Jensen states again, proud of how calm he is. “Now that you’re awake I imagine the doc will be in to see you.”
Jared’s brows draw together in question.
“Not Doc Morgan. He has been by though. Explained things to me. A woman named Ruth Connell is overseeing your care.”
Jared scowls and Jensen understands. He would rather Doc Morgan be in charge as well. They have a long relationship and trust him but he hasn’t actively practiced in several years. Jensen leans close to Jared.
“Colin got the motherfucker who did this. He is making him pay.”
Jared’s eyes flash with cold delight, and that more than anything else so far reassures Jensen. Jared is okay, he is awake and aware. He is Jared.
It’s roughly an hour later, Jensen and Jared are dozing, holding hands, Jensen resting his head on the edge of Jared’s bed, when Dr. Connell comes in.
“Heard there was a little excitement in this room today,” she says in her lilting accent that Jensen places as Scottish.
Jensen sits up, his back paining him for a moment. “Jared woke up. He was scared and didn’t know what was going on.”
“Understandable.”
Jensen glances at Jared. His eyes are open but foggy with sleep. “Mr. Ackles, I’m Dr. Connell.”
Jared gives a sleepy nod in acknowledgement. He raises a hand, points to the breathing tube, then gives it the middle finger. Jensen snickers.
“Oh, aye. I imagine it’s not comfortable,” Dr. Connell says. “Your right lung suffered a good deal a trauma, Mr. Ackles. I’m sure your husband filled you in.”
Jared nods, but, again, points to the breathing tube and flashes his middle finger.
“This isn’t like on television, Mr. Ackles. We don’t just rip the tube out, unless you are in some kind of respiratory distress caused by the ventilator. In your case we will wean you off the machine. What will happen is we will do something called an SBT—a spontaneous breathing trial. The ventilator will stop and we will see if you can breathe without its assistance. If you can prove that on a consistent basis, then the ventilator will be stopped and the tube removed, possibly in a day or two. Understand?”
Jared nods, but he doesn’t look happy.
Jensen is ecstatic. Jared is animated, if a little tired looking. He’s responsive. He has his usual fire and flare. Jensen wants to cry, only this time because he feels happy. Something he had been sure he wouldn’t feel again.
“Other than the respirator making you uncomfortable, do you have any other complaints?”
Jared’s brows knit as he takes an internal inventory. He points to his stomach and makes eating motions. Jensen feels over the moon. Jared is hungry and wants to eat!
Dr. Connell chuckles as she puts her stethoscope in her ears. “You’re NPO for the next few days I’m afraid,” she says. “You are getting all the nutrition you need right now in your IVs. I’m going to have a listen here, see how things sound.” She presses the stethoscope to Jared’s right lung. The machine whooshes and Jared’s chest rises. Again. And again.
“That’s good. No wheezing or leaking. Now, I’ll listen to your heart.” After a few moments she removes the stethoscope. “Good. Nice and strong and regular. On a scale of one to ten, with one being no pain and ten being unbearable, what would you say your pain level is?”
Jared holds up seven fingers, motioning to his bandage covered incision and ribs.
“Would you like some medicine to help take the level down?”
Jared shakes his head, making a spinning motion with his wrist near his temple.
“Drugs make him fuzzy-headed. He doesn’t want to feel like that,” Jensen supplies.
“Okay, I’ll put in an order for some, just in case. If you need it, a nurse can give you some, if not, then no worries. I’m going to give your incision a little look-see.” She carefully navigates Jared’s cardiac leads and his breathing tube. Jensen keeps his face impassive as the incision is revealed. He can feel Jared’s eyes on him, watching, cataloguing. If Jensen gets upset in any way at the sight, Jared will in turn get upset.
“Very nice,” she comments. “You are healing very well, Mr. Ackles. You keep this up and you’ll be out of here soon.”
Jared points to Jensen, makes an all-encompassing gesture with his hand.
“I’d say he needs some good rest, a decent meal, and a shower,” Dr. Connell says. “He hasn’t left since you were brought in.”
Jared’s brows draw together in a scowl. He points to Jensen, then the door of the room.
Jensen understands. Jared wants him to leave. Jensen’s stomach twists with fear and anxiety at the thought of leaving him, even if he can see Jared is doing well. The idea he could take a turn haunts Jensen.
“I’d say that is a good idea,” Dr. Connell says. “Your husband is coming along very nicely; you however look much the worse for wear.”
Jensen scowls at her. This isn’t her business. She seems to read him well, and excuses herself. When she is gone Jensen argues immediately. “I can’t leave while you’re still on that machine.”
Jared’s scowl deepens. He once more points to Jensen then to the room door, clearly ordering Jensen out, more emphatically this time.
“Jared, please.”
Jared points to himself, and shuts his eyes, then waves a dismissive hand.
“I don’t care that all you’re going to do is be sleeping. I need to be here with you.”
Jared grows increasingly more agitated, making sounds around the breathing tube and still pointing to Jensen and the door.
Not wanting to upset or cause Jared more distress, Jensen eventually relents. “Okay, I’ll have Colin come get me. Are you sure you feel okay?”
Jared nods, then closes his eyes briefly, miming being asleep. “Okay,” Jensen says. “I’ll go. You want visitors when I come back?”
Jared shakes his head, indicates the breathing tube, and mimes talking with his hand. Jensen gets it. He wants to be able to talk to people.
Jensen bends and presses a lingering kiss to Jared’s forehead. Jared winks and shoos Jensen toward the door. Jensen, finally, reluctantly leaves.
He sleeps for eighteen hours straight. Jensen cannot believe he slept that fucking long. He had only intended to sleep maybe a couple hours. Now, he can’t believe he’s being held hostage by his daughter-in-law. Emma will not let him leave the main house and return back to the hospital until he showers, shaves, puts on clean clothes, and eats a whole meal.
“He is fine, Jensen,” she states standing in front of the bedroom door, stern look on her pretty face, arms crossed over her breasts. “Colin is with him now. He says Jared is awake, annoyed with the breathing tube, but communicating with him by writing notes. They are even watching an old Jimmy Cagney movie. He is fine.”
“Emma,” Jensen growls, attempting to get past her.
“Jen-sen,” she enunciates, putting her hands on her hips and glaring up at him. “Take a shower, shave, dress, then come down to the kitchen.” She pats his head. Actually pats the top of his head like he is a dog or something.
If she wasn’t the mother of his little grandbabies, and if he didn’t love her so much, he’d be mad. Still, he knows when a battle cannot be won and this is one of those times. He gives her his most intimidating scowl then turns and charges into the ensuite.
In the shower, with the hot water pounding down on his back, loosening his muscles, Jensen scrubs away the grime and some of his angst, drifting. He closes his eyes and imagines him and Jared on their island. He loses track of time imagining Jared snorkeling, himself fishing on his new yacht, the gulls calling, the rustle of the palms in the warm salt-scented breeze. After days of oppressing worry and black thoughts he could finally start thinking about something else.
He feels pretty good coming out of the shower. He shaves, styles his hair, and puts on Jared’s favorite cologne. When he exits the ensuite, towel around his hips, he notices that Emma has laid out a slim-fit Givenchy suit in a deep shade of teal blue, white shirt, black tie, and pair of Gucci shoes polished to a mirror shine for him. There are also blue diamond cufflinks, a matching tie pin, and his rose gold Patek Philippe watch with the blue dial. He feels a little grumpy about having his clothes and accessories chosen for him. He is not one of her children. He is fifty-eight and perfectly capable of choosing his clothes himself, but…. He has to admit the ensemble she has chosen is very attractive. He shrugs and dresses, then heads down to the kitchen. Emma is laughing with Ms. Gumenick. The two women have their heads together looking at something on Emma’s phone. Probably pictures of Meggie or Jaysen.
“Hello, Mr. Ackles, wonderful news about the other Mr. Ackles. I have a nice lunch for you right here, sir.”
Jensen glances at the clock and sees that it is a quarter ‘til one. He sits in the breakfast nook and eyes the lovely club sandwich on lightly toasted rye, potato salad, some cut up fruit, and coffee. “Looks great, Ms. Gumenick.”
Emma joins him at the breakfast nook with a cup of coffee and a cherry Danish.
“They’re really watching a movie?” Jensen says lifting a sandwich half, ready to tear into it.
Emma smiles. “Yeah, White Heat.”
That movie is a favorite of Jared’s; he adores the unhinged maniacal performance Cagney puts on, often quoting lines along with the actors. Jensen takes a big healthy bite of the sandwich. Thick turkey, crispy bacon, fresh lettuce and tomato and creamy mayo burst across his tongue making his appetite seem to double or triple. He tears off another big bite before the first is barely swallowed.
“Colin even said they are talking about removing the breathing tube tomorrow. Jared’s doing well breathing unassisted. I know you’ve been scared. I don’t know how I would act in the same position, but that’s behind you two now.”
Having finished off his first sandwich half, he tackles the second half, albeit at a more sedate pace. “It could be you, you know. Sometime.”
“I know,” she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. She nibbles on her pastry. “Before I married Colin, I had to decide if I could live with that threat or not. Believe me, it wasn’t easy. I even broke things off with him for a while.” She goes quiet, eyes hazy with memory. She sighs and gives herself a little shake to bring herself back to the present. “When we were apart everything was a little more drab. Colin brings color to my world, but more than that, I felt empty without him; like something was missing. So, I decided to accept the risk of dating, then marrying a mob boss. And in a way, it’s given me a strength I didn’t know I had.
“I know Colin will do everything in his power to protect me and the kids. Everything he has given me: love, understanding, security, a home, a family, two children—shit, even all the money, clothes, and accessories—outweigh the bad. He’s the only man I want, would ever want.”
Jensen knows exactly how she feels because that is how he feels about Jared. “I didn’t know you and Colin ever broke up,” Jensen says, spooning into the potato salad. “He doesn’t talk about his private life to any extent.” And Jensen wouldn’t ask, unless Colin seemed in distress.
“I know. People call him Stone-Cold Colin but that’s not the man I know. That’s not the man who plays with our children, or takes me to bed. I know that part of him exists; I’ve even seen it, but it’s not all he is.”
“He’s like his father that way.”
Emma reaches out and takes Jensen’s hand, giving a squeeze. “Like both of them.”
Jared is taken off the ventilator and the breathing tube removed after three days. His oxygen saturation isn’t where it should be and is given a nasal cannula and supplemental oxygen.
The first word he says once the tube is removed is “Jense?” His voice sounds choked in mud but it is the sweetest, best sound Jensen has ever heard. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” Jensen states, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes and tasting them in his throat.
After the nurses and other personnel leave and they are alone Jensen asks, “How are you really feeling?”
Jared shrugs. “Tired, and my chest fucking hurts no matter how I move. I have some low dose pain meds to help, but hate the way they make me feel foggy. I was pretty fucked, huh? Had to crack me open, the way I hear it.”
Hearing Jared state what had happened so glibly ignites something inside Jensen. “It’s not funny, Jared. I spent fucking days thinking you were gonna die.” And preparing to kill myself…but could I really have gone through with it?
Jared looks immediately abashed. He reaches out and takes Jensen’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “I’m sorry, baby. But it’s over now. Breathing all by myself, and everything.” He brings Jensen’s hand to his mouth and brushes his lips across Jensen’s knuckles.
Jensen’s insensate terror had been akin to a black hole and it had nearly swallowed him and now Jared was so dismissive of it all. Jensen erupts. “I was fucking traumatized!” Jensen wrenches his hand from Jared, suddenly overwhelmed by everything he’s endured the last week. He shoots up from the chair and prowls the room.
“You were fucking shot! And the bullet you took was meant for me!” Jensen begins to cry then, tears hot as they spill from his eyes and down his cheeks. “For me! If you’d died….” Jensen’s voice breaks and he swallows the rest of his thought. I’d have to follow and I don’t know if I could. How could I do that to Colin, or Emma and the kids?
Losing Jared would have been hard on the entire family, but to compound the hurt by ending his life as well? Could he be that cruel? Inflict that on them? He remembers Colin’s words. ‘Jared’s not the only one that loves and needs you.’
No. He couldn’t have and the realization fills him with shame.
He knows Jared loves Colin, Em, and their grandkids, but Jared truly lives only for Jensen. If the roles had been reversed, if the shooter had hit Jensen, and Jensen had been killed, Jared would not have balked at ending his life. And yet Jensen knew he could not have done the same. He has never before felt as unworthy of Jared’s unwavering, unquestioning, love and devotion until now.
“I’d fucking do it again, Jensen. And again,” Jared says fiercely. “Without a moment’s hesitation. You are my fucking life. I can’t do without you. I think the reason you’re so upset is because somewhere deep inside you, you know you can do without me.”
Jensen leans back against the wall but his legs can’t hold him up and he slides down. He hides his face in his hands. Jared proves once again that he knows Jensen, knows him better than anyone, even Jensen himself. His razor sharp knowledge cuts to the heart of Jensen’s angst, only as Jensen himself was beginning to realize the source of some of his pain.
The heart monitor begins to flatline and Jensen’s head jerks up. His relief is instant when he realizes Jared has torn off the cardiac leads and is climbing out of bed, attempting to get to him. He gets both feet on the floor, and the shrill beep of the bed alarm adds its voice to the din. Jared grips his IV pole and carefully steps toward Jensen.
Jared is not wearing those grippy-bottomed hospital socks and Jensen is scared Jared is going to fall and hurt himself. He pushes to his feet and meets him, tucking an arm around his waist to help him support his weight. “Jared, you should not be out of bed. You might hurt yourself.”
Jared wipes Jensen’s tears away. “‘Course I should. You’re the one hurting, and there’s no reason for you to. Don’t feel guilty, Jensen. I know you don’t love me any less than I love you. You’re just better adjusted. I’ve always known that.” He dips his head and kisses Jensen softly.
“Mr. Ackles?” Jared’s new nurse, a petite blonde, comes into the room. “Is everything okay?”
“Husband was having a mini freak out. Had to get to him.” Jared shrugs and flashes that charming dimpled smile.
She shakes her head but turns off the bed alarm and silences the heart monitor. “If the crisis has been solved would you kindly return to your bed?”
Jensen helps Jared back to the bed and settles him in, puffing the flat pillows and needlessly tucking the sheets and blanket around him, turning Jared’s words over. They were a balm on his hurting heart and exactly what he needed to hear. The nurse, a no-nonsense woman named Katie according to her nametag, hooks Jared back up to the heart monitor.
“Do I really need this? I don’t like what’s left of my very manly chest hair being ripped out,” Jared grouses.
Katie removes Jared’s bandage and examines the incision. Jensen gazes at Jared’s chest, noticing that yes, he has been shaved around the vicinity of his wound. With the veil of fear and anxiety lifted, Jensen can see, Jared is indeed healing well. The incision is a little red but the stitches and staples are neat and there is no ominous inflammation, or oozing. It’s not at all the Frankensteinian horror he had first thought.
Katie smiles. “Your injury also affected your heart as well as your lung, so, until Dr. Connell changes the order, yes, you do.” She applies new electrodes, and cleans and dresses Jared’s incision. “Is there anything else you need?”
“I’m good,” Jared says flashing another of those dimpled smiles.
Jensen wonders if he will ever be able to look at the scar Jared will carry for the rest of his life and not feel guilty. He has it because of Jensen.
“Jense,” Jared says sounding stern. “Don’t. I’m happy to have it if it means you’re still here.”
Something inside Jensen cracks open and he lays his head on Jared’s hip and cries softly. Jared laces his fingers through Jensen’s hair and makes soothing crooning noises while Jensen finally releases the fear, anxiety, guilt, and sadness he has carried with him for days. After ten, or fifteen minutes he raises his head. Jared is gazing at him, eyes warm with understanding, and overflowing with love.
“Listen, Jense, I don’t expect and would never want you to off yourself because of me. I’d want you to live your life to the fullest. Live it for both of us. Okay?”
Jensen sniffs, clears his throat, regains control. “Yeah.” Jensen scrubs his face. “Do you remember much?”
“Not much. I remember Emma wanting to wear a god awful chartreuse dress.” Jared visibly shudders in revulsion. “But after that it’s blank. Colin filled me in when he was here. He says he and his guys got ‘em. Wish I could get a piece.”
“We’re retired, Jared. And we’re gonna stay that way.”
Jared grins. “Spoil sport.”
Following the removal of the breathing tube Jared was relocated from the ICU to a regular private room on the sixth floor. Jared will not allow Jensen to spend 24/7 with him, arguing vehemently that he cannot rest unless he knows Jensen is getting some rest and caring for himself. Jensen cannot argue with that. So he, Colin, or Tommy Blue and Mike, rotate to keep Jared company, but Jensen is always relieved when he gets to be with Jared again.
Jensen hears laughter coming from Jared’s room as he walks down the hallway, nodding to the nurses at the nursing station. Colin, Emma and the kids were visiting Jared this morning. Jensen enters Jared’s room, and his heart warms at the sight. Jaysen, with a book open, is on the bed with Jared, tucked up to his right side, and Meggie is on his left. They seem to be playing a game on a tablet while Jaysen reads to them. Jared looks better and better each time Jensen sees him, more of his color returning and the dark hollows under his eyes fading, and his energy coming back. Dr. Connell was talking about releasing Jared in a day or two, and Jensen was ecstatic.
“Hi, Gran’pa,” Jaysen greets flashing a big smile with a couple of missing teeth. Jaysen favors his mother in looks, from the blond hair to the blue-grey eyes.
“Gan’pa!” Meggie says bouncing a little.
Jensen catches the way Jared winces at the movement but doesn’t admonish the little girl and she settles back down quickly as Jensen takes a seat to the left of the bed. Jensen looks down at Meggie; Jared’s genes are strong in her, from her blue-green almond shaped eyes, to the thick brown hair, and she, unlike her brother, has dimples.
“Gran’pa Jay says he’s not a robot,” Jaysen says. “Even if he does have wires stuck to him.”
“Nope, sorry, buddy. It’s all boring medical stuff. Would be cool to be a robot though, but like the T-1000 from that old movie.” Jensen grins, of course Jared would want to be a literal killing machine. Jaysen however, only five, doesn’t understand the reference and goes back to his book.
“What are you three doing?” Jensen asks.
“I’m readin’ to Gran’pa.” Jaysen holds up his book, The Sneetches, by Dr. Suess.
“Play’n fishies!” Meggie chirps up, poking at the tablet propped up on the over-bed table. “Dammit!” She huffs when she appears to lose. Jared and Jensen stifled their laughs.
“Megan, we do not talk that way,” Emma admonishes the fiery little girl.
“Gan’pa Jay does.” She turns her big doe eyes to Jared.
“I’m an old man, honey,” Jared says gazing down at her with softness and warmth and that familiar mischievous glint in his eyes. “When you get old you can say whatever the hell you want, too.”
Colin faceplams and Emma rolls her eyes. “Jared, don’t encourage her,” Emma says.
Jensen grins. That little girl was gonna be trouble when she got older. Jensen continues watching Jared play whatever game is going on the tablet, and listens to Jaysen read. He thinks about how very different things could have been if Jared hadn’t survived. Jensen would have been broken, his heart a torn and gaping hole inside him. He would have had Colin, Emma, and the grandkids to help mend it, but it would have been a wound that would always weep and never heal.
Jared laughs at something Meggie whispers to him, and Jensen lets the what-ifs go. Jared is here, alive and healing, and better days were ahead for both of them.
Author: rose-the-hat
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: R
Words: 301K-ish
Summary: In which Jared is seriously hurt, and Jensen breaks down
Notes: : Final installment in the October Rust ‘Verse. Previous reading is necessary.
The Power Behind The Throne was just supposed to be a one-shot PWP about a mob boss who was submissive to his subordinate. As I worked on it, it got more plotty. Then, I wrote the sequel, King Nothing. Then I wrote a timestamp, and a sequel to that. Now, I give you the finale.
Thank you to anyone and everyone who has read, commented, or left kudos. Thank you to Jen, for looking things over (and over and over) and listening, and for providing art. She’s a great lady.
Title comes from a song by the German industrial metal band Rammstein.
Shrill alarms startle Jensen from his light uneasy sleep. He realizes immediately something is wrong. He bolts up from the chair-bed he had folded himself onto and his gaze falls on Jared moving jerky and restless on the bed. Jensen’s first horrifying thought is that Jared’s fever shot back up and he’s having a seizure. A second later he realizes Jared’s eyes are wide open, too lucid and terrified to be feverish. Jensen cannot feel a moment’s happiness that Jared is awake because Jared’s bleeding at the crook of his elbow where he has torn his IVs out and with clumsy fingers he’s clawing at the tube and surgical tape attaching it to his mouth, attempting to remove the breathing tube jammed down his throat. The heart monitor beeps at a frenetic pace. The IV pump alarm sounds. Jensen is terrified Jared is going to tear the incision in his chest wide open. It feels like minutes but in reality is only a few seconds before Jensen is lunging toward Jared.
“Jared!” He grabs Jared’s hands and pulls them away from his mouth. “Please, stop, okay. You were hurt bad and you’re in the hospital. Calm down for me, okay?” He knows it won’t be long before nurses and CNAs come pouring in. He can hear stirring from the central nursing station. He wants to get Jared calmed down before they do. “I’m okay, Jared. I swear. I’m okay. Please lay still for me. I know you’re scared. But I’m okay.”
Jared’s terrified gaze fixes on Jensen. His eyes mist over, then tears fall from his eyes. Jensen squeezes his hands, careful of the IV port still attached to the back of it. His heart lifts when he feels Jared squeeze back.
Nurses Lindsey, Julie, and two CNAs rush into the room. Jensen turns to them. “Please, don’t order me to leave. He’s scared and doesn’t know what’s going on. Lindsey, please.”
She turns to the CNAs, “I can handle this,” she says to the CNAs, who depart. To Julie she says. “Page Dr. Connell. I got ‘im.” The red-haired Julie gazes from Jared to Lindsay again before she’s leaving.
“He’s fighting the ventilator.” Lindsay is glancing at the array of monitors and equipment, understanding things Jensen cannot. “He’s not in respiratory distress. It’s most likely anxiety induced. Get him to calm down or he’ll have to be sedated again.”
Jared’s eyes widen and he shakes his head; he begins to restlessly move on the bed.
“Jared, please. I know you’re scared and you don’t understand what’s going on, but I’m okay. You are not. Please calm down and lay still. You have to, Jared. You….” he swallows knowing the one thing he can say to bring Jared to heel. “You’re hurting me by doing this.”
Jared’s terrified eyes shift into guilt and grief. “Just lay still for me. Let the machine help you breathe. It sucks and its uncomfortable but don’t fight anymore. Please.” Jared ceases his agitated shifting. After a few moments the heart monitor slows to a more normal and sedate pace; Jared’s breathing once again syncs up with the ventilator.
“Very good,” Lindsay says standing beside Jensen and giving Jared a smile. “It’s nice to see you wake, Mr. Ackles.”
Jared’s eyes are wary and watchful, shifting from Jensen to Lindsay.
“This is Lindsey,” Jensen informs. “She takes care of you during the day. Or sometimes it’s the redhead, Julie. Or a nice fella named Demore. He’s bleeding,” Jensen tells Lindsay, pointing to the crook of Jared’s arm.
“He’s torn his catheter out.” She turns off the IV pump, then crosses the room to pluck a pair of gloves from the dispenser. “I’ll clean everything up and get you hooked back up. There are important meds in those IVs that you need.”
“You were shot. Do you remember that?” Jensen asks, squeezing Jared’s hand.
Jared shakes his head.
“Your lung was injured, that’s why you’re on a ventilator. Let it help you breathe.”
Jared grips Jensen’s with bruising force and his eyes widen in urgency. Jensen feels elated at the strength in it. “I’m okay,” Jensen assures. “Colin, Em, and the kids are all okay, too.” He wants to tell Jared more, but cannot while Lindsay is present.
He can read the relief in Jared’s eyes.
Lindsay hums cheerily as she efficiently cleans and bandages Jared’s arm. “I just need to get some fresh supplies and you’ll be all fixed up.”
Suddenly Jared stirs, moving as if he wants to get out of bed.
“Jared. Stop,” Jensen says sternly. If Jared keeps acting out they will sedate him again.
Jared shakes his head, making urgent noises around the tube. He motions frantically to his lower body.
Jensen has a horrifying thought that Jared can’t feel his legs or something. “What? Can you feel your legs?”
Jared nods, but continues motioning to his lower half. He seems to grow agitated with Jensen’s lack of understanding and presses his hand to Jensen’s cock. Heat flushes Jensen’s cheeks. Jared can’t…be horny can he? No, not with those pleading eyes.
“Bathroom?” Jensen inquires.
Jared nods frantically.
“Mr. Ackles, you have a Foley catheter inserted,” Lindsey says, removing her gloves. “So if you need to urinate, just let go and it’ll take care of itself.”
Jared makes a whimpering sound, still moving restlessly.
“I know it’s uncomfortable, but I swear you won’t pee yourself, Mr. Ackles,” Lindsey says. “Give me a second and I’ll be right back,” she says and departs.
Jensen pulls up the plastic chair close to Jared’s bed. He glances at the foley bag hanging at the corner of the bed and sees urine filling it. Jared’s eyes dart around the room.
“I think you’ve been here four days,” Jensen sighs. It feels a lot longer than that. “I’m not exactly sure. You were shot in the lung and it collapsed. You need a little help breathing for now.” Jensen states again, proud of how calm he is. “Now that you’re awake I imagine the doc will be in to see you.”
Jared’s brows draw together in question.
“Not Doc Morgan. He has been by though. Explained things to me. A woman named Ruth Connell is overseeing your care.”
Jared scowls and Jensen understands. He would rather Doc Morgan be in charge as well. They have a long relationship and trust him but he hasn’t actively practiced in several years. Jensen leans close to Jared.
“Colin got the motherfucker who did this. He is making him pay.”
Jared’s eyes flash with cold delight, and that more than anything else so far reassures Jensen. Jared is okay, he is awake and aware. He is Jared.
It’s roughly an hour later, Jensen and Jared are dozing, holding hands, Jensen resting his head on the edge of Jared’s bed, when Dr. Connell comes in.
“Heard there was a little excitement in this room today,” she says in her lilting accent that Jensen places as Scottish.
Jensen sits up, his back paining him for a moment. “Jared woke up. He was scared and didn’t know what was going on.”
“Understandable.”
Jensen glances at Jared. His eyes are open but foggy with sleep. “Mr. Ackles, I’m Dr. Connell.”
Jared gives a sleepy nod in acknowledgement. He raises a hand, points to the breathing tube, then gives it the middle finger. Jensen snickers.
“Oh, aye. I imagine it’s not comfortable,” Dr. Connell says. “Your right lung suffered a good deal a trauma, Mr. Ackles. I’m sure your husband filled you in.”
Jared nods, but, again, points to the breathing tube and flashes his middle finger.
“This isn’t like on television, Mr. Ackles. We don’t just rip the tube out, unless you are in some kind of respiratory distress caused by the ventilator. In your case we will wean you off the machine. What will happen is we will do something called an SBT—a spontaneous breathing trial. The ventilator will stop and we will see if you can breathe without its assistance. If you can prove that on a consistent basis, then the ventilator will be stopped and the tube removed, possibly in a day or two. Understand?”
Jared nods, but he doesn’t look happy.
Jensen is ecstatic. Jared is animated, if a little tired looking. He’s responsive. He has his usual fire and flare. Jensen wants to cry, only this time because he feels happy. Something he had been sure he wouldn’t feel again.
“Other than the respirator making you uncomfortable, do you have any other complaints?”
Jared’s brows knit as he takes an internal inventory. He points to his stomach and makes eating motions. Jensen feels over the moon. Jared is hungry and wants to eat!
Dr. Connell chuckles as she puts her stethoscope in her ears. “You’re NPO for the next few days I’m afraid,” she says. “You are getting all the nutrition you need right now in your IVs. I’m going to have a listen here, see how things sound.” She presses the stethoscope to Jared’s right lung. The machine whooshes and Jared’s chest rises. Again. And again.
“That’s good. No wheezing or leaking. Now, I’ll listen to your heart.” After a few moments she removes the stethoscope. “Good. Nice and strong and regular. On a scale of one to ten, with one being no pain and ten being unbearable, what would you say your pain level is?”
Jared holds up seven fingers, motioning to his bandage covered incision and ribs.
“Would you like some medicine to help take the level down?”
Jared shakes his head, making a spinning motion with his wrist near his temple.
“Drugs make him fuzzy-headed. He doesn’t want to feel like that,” Jensen supplies.
“Okay, I’ll put in an order for some, just in case. If you need it, a nurse can give you some, if not, then no worries. I’m going to give your incision a little look-see.” She carefully navigates Jared’s cardiac leads and his breathing tube. Jensen keeps his face impassive as the incision is revealed. He can feel Jared’s eyes on him, watching, cataloguing. If Jensen gets upset in any way at the sight, Jared will in turn get upset.
“Very nice,” she comments. “You are healing very well, Mr. Ackles. You keep this up and you’ll be out of here soon.”
Jared points to Jensen, makes an all-encompassing gesture with his hand.
“I’d say he needs some good rest, a decent meal, and a shower,” Dr. Connell says. “He hasn’t left since you were brought in.”
Jared’s brows draw together in a scowl. He points to Jensen, then the door of the room.
Jensen understands. Jared wants him to leave. Jensen’s stomach twists with fear and anxiety at the thought of leaving him, even if he can see Jared is doing well. The idea he could take a turn haunts Jensen.
“I’d say that is a good idea,” Dr. Connell says. “Your husband is coming along very nicely; you however look much the worse for wear.”
Jensen scowls at her. This isn’t her business. She seems to read him well, and excuses herself. When she is gone Jensen argues immediately. “I can’t leave while you’re still on that machine.”
Jared’s scowl deepens. He once more points to Jensen then to the room door, clearly ordering Jensen out, more emphatically this time.
“Jared, please.”
Jared points to himself, and shuts his eyes, then waves a dismissive hand.
“I don’t care that all you’re going to do is be sleeping. I need to be here with you.”
Jared grows increasingly more agitated, making sounds around the breathing tube and still pointing to Jensen and the door.
Not wanting to upset or cause Jared more distress, Jensen eventually relents. “Okay, I’ll have Colin come get me. Are you sure you feel okay?”
Jared nods, then closes his eyes briefly, miming being asleep. “Okay,” Jensen says. “I’ll go. You want visitors when I come back?”
Jared shakes his head, indicates the breathing tube, and mimes talking with his hand. Jensen gets it. He wants to be able to talk to people.
Jensen bends and presses a lingering kiss to Jared’s forehead. Jared winks and shoos Jensen toward the door. Jensen, finally, reluctantly leaves.
He sleeps for eighteen hours straight. Jensen cannot believe he slept that fucking long. He had only intended to sleep maybe a couple hours. Now, he can’t believe he’s being held hostage by his daughter-in-law. Emma will not let him leave the main house and return back to the hospital until he showers, shaves, puts on clean clothes, and eats a whole meal.
“He is fine, Jensen,” she states standing in front of the bedroom door, stern look on her pretty face, arms crossed over her breasts. “Colin is with him now. He says Jared is awake, annoyed with the breathing tube, but communicating with him by writing notes. They are even watching an old Jimmy Cagney movie. He is fine.”
“Emma,” Jensen growls, attempting to get past her.
“Jen-sen,” she enunciates, putting her hands on her hips and glaring up at him. “Take a shower, shave, dress, then come down to the kitchen.” She pats his head. Actually pats the top of his head like he is a dog or something.
If she wasn’t the mother of his little grandbabies, and if he didn’t love her so much, he’d be mad. Still, he knows when a battle cannot be won and this is one of those times. He gives her his most intimidating scowl then turns and charges into the ensuite.
In the shower, with the hot water pounding down on his back, loosening his muscles, Jensen scrubs away the grime and some of his angst, drifting. He closes his eyes and imagines him and Jared on their island. He loses track of time imagining Jared snorkeling, himself fishing on his new yacht, the gulls calling, the rustle of the palms in the warm salt-scented breeze. After days of oppressing worry and black thoughts he could finally start thinking about something else.
He feels pretty good coming out of the shower. He shaves, styles his hair, and puts on Jared’s favorite cologne. When he exits the ensuite, towel around his hips, he notices that Emma has laid out a slim-fit Givenchy suit in a deep shade of teal blue, white shirt, black tie, and pair of Gucci shoes polished to a mirror shine for him. There are also blue diamond cufflinks, a matching tie pin, and his rose gold Patek Philippe watch with the blue dial. He feels a little grumpy about having his clothes and accessories chosen for him. He is not one of her children. He is fifty-eight and perfectly capable of choosing his clothes himself, but…. He has to admit the ensemble she has chosen is very attractive. He shrugs and dresses, then heads down to the kitchen. Emma is laughing with Ms. Gumenick. The two women have their heads together looking at something on Emma’s phone. Probably pictures of Meggie or Jaysen.
“Hello, Mr. Ackles, wonderful news about the other Mr. Ackles. I have a nice lunch for you right here, sir.”
Jensen glances at the clock and sees that it is a quarter ‘til one. He sits in the breakfast nook and eyes the lovely club sandwich on lightly toasted rye, potato salad, some cut up fruit, and coffee. “Looks great, Ms. Gumenick.”
Emma joins him at the breakfast nook with a cup of coffee and a cherry Danish.
“They’re really watching a movie?” Jensen says lifting a sandwich half, ready to tear into it.
Emma smiles. “Yeah, White Heat.”
That movie is a favorite of Jared’s; he adores the unhinged maniacal performance Cagney puts on, often quoting lines along with the actors. Jensen takes a big healthy bite of the sandwich. Thick turkey, crispy bacon, fresh lettuce and tomato and creamy mayo burst across his tongue making his appetite seem to double or triple. He tears off another big bite before the first is barely swallowed.
“Colin even said they are talking about removing the breathing tube tomorrow. Jared’s doing well breathing unassisted. I know you’ve been scared. I don’t know how I would act in the same position, but that’s behind you two now.”
Having finished off his first sandwich half, he tackles the second half, albeit at a more sedate pace. “It could be you, you know. Sometime.”
“I know,” she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. She nibbles on her pastry. “Before I married Colin, I had to decide if I could live with that threat or not. Believe me, it wasn’t easy. I even broke things off with him for a while.” She goes quiet, eyes hazy with memory. She sighs and gives herself a little shake to bring herself back to the present. “When we were apart everything was a little more drab. Colin brings color to my world, but more than that, I felt empty without him; like something was missing. So, I decided to accept the risk of dating, then marrying a mob boss. And in a way, it’s given me a strength I didn’t know I had.
“I know Colin will do everything in his power to protect me and the kids. Everything he has given me: love, understanding, security, a home, a family, two children—shit, even all the money, clothes, and accessories—outweigh the bad. He’s the only man I want, would ever want.”
Jensen knows exactly how she feels because that is how he feels about Jared. “I didn’t know you and Colin ever broke up,” Jensen says, spooning into the potato salad. “He doesn’t talk about his private life to any extent.” And Jensen wouldn’t ask, unless Colin seemed in distress.
“I know. People call him Stone-Cold Colin but that’s not the man I know. That’s not the man who plays with our children, or takes me to bed. I know that part of him exists; I’ve even seen it, but it’s not all he is.”
“He’s like his father that way.”
Emma reaches out and takes Jensen’s hand, giving a squeeze. “Like both of them.”
Jared is taken off the ventilator and the breathing tube removed after three days. His oxygen saturation isn’t where it should be and is given a nasal cannula and supplemental oxygen.
The first word he says once the tube is removed is “Jense?” His voice sounds choked in mud but it is the sweetest, best sound Jensen has ever heard. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” Jensen states, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes and tasting them in his throat.
After the nurses and other personnel leave and they are alone Jensen asks, “How are you really feeling?”
Jared shrugs. “Tired, and my chest fucking hurts no matter how I move. I have some low dose pain meds to help, but hate the way they make me feel foggy. I was pretty fucked, huh? Had to crack me open, the way I hear it.”
Hearing Jared state what had happened so glibly ignites something inside Jensen. “It’s not funny, Jared. I spent fucking days thinking you were gonna die.” And preparing to kill myself…but could I really have gone through with it?
Jared looks immediately abashed. He reaches out and takes Jensen’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “I’m sorry, baby. But it’s over now. Breathing all by myself, and everything.” He brings Jensen’s hand to his mouth and brushes his lips across Jensen’s knuckles.
Jensen’s insensate terror had been akin to a black hole and it had nearly swallowed him and now Jared was so dismissive of it all. Jensen erupts. “I was fucking traumatized!” Jensen wrenches his hand from Jared, suddenly overwhelmed by everything he’s endured the last week. He shoots up from the chair and prowls the room.
“You were fucking shot! And the bullet you took was meant for me!” Jensen begins to cry then, tears hot as they spill from his eyes and down his cheeks. “For me! If you’d died….” Jensen’s voice breaks and he swallows the rest of his thought. I’d have to follow and I don’t know if I could. How could I do that to Colin, or Emma and the kids?
Losing Jared would have been hard on the entire family, but to compound the hurt by ending his life as well? Could he be that cruel? Inflict that on them? He remembers Colin’s words. ‘Jared’s not the only one that loves and needs you.’
No. He couldn’t have and the realization fills him with shame.
He knows Jared loves Colin, Em, and their grandkids, but Jared truly lives only for Jensen. If the roles had been reversed, if the shooter had hit Jensen, and Jensen had been killed, Jared would not have balked at ending his life. And yet Jensen knew he could not have done the same. He has never before felt as unworthy of Jared’s unwavering, unquestioning, love and devotion until now.
“I’d fucking do it again, Jensen. And again,” Jared says fiercely. “Without a moment’s hesitation. You are my fucking life. I can’t do without you. I think the reason you’re so upset is because somewhere deep inside you, you know you can do without me.”
Jensen leans back against the wall but his legs can’t hold him up and he slides down. He hides his face in his hands. Jared proves once again that he knows Jensen, knows him better than anyone, even Jensen himself. His razor sharp knowledge cuts to the heart of Jensen’s angst, only as Jensen himself was beginning to realize the source of some of his pain.
The heart monitor begins to flatline and Jensen’s head jerks up. His relief is instant when he realizes Jared has torn off the cardiac leads and is climbing out of bed, attempting to get to him. He gets both feet on the floor, and the shrill beep of the bed alarm adds its voice to the din. Jared grips his IV pole and carefully steps toward Jensen.
Jared is not wearing those grippy-bottomed hospital socks and Jensen is scared Jared is going to fall and hurt himself. He pushes to his feet and meets him, tucking an arm around his waist to help him support his weight. “Jared, you should not be out of bed. You might hurt yourself.”
Jared wipes Jensen’s tears away. “‘Course I should. You’re the one hurting, and there’s no reason for you to. Don’t feel guilty, Jensen. I know you don’t love me any less than I love you. You’re just better adjusted. I’ve always known that.” He dips his head and kisses Jensen softly.
“Mr. Ackles?” Jared’s new nurse, a petite blonde, comes into the room. “Is everything okay?”
“Husband was having a mini freak out. Had to get to him.” Jared shrugs and flashes that charming dimpled smile.
She shakes her head but turns off the bed alarm and silences the heart monitor. “If the crisis has been solved would you kindly return to your bed?”
Jensen helps Jared back to the bed and settles him in, puffing the flat pillows and needlessly tucking the sheets and blanket around him, turning Jared’s words over. They were a balm on his hurting heart and exactly what he needed to hear. The nurse, a no-nonsense woman named Katie according to her nametag, hooks Jared back up to the heart monitor.
“Do I really need this? I don’t like what’s left of my very manly chest hair being ripped out,” Jared grouses.
Katie removes Jared’s bandage and examines the incision. Jensen gazes at Jared’s chest, noticing that yes, he has been shaved around the vicinity of his wound. With the veil of fear and anxiety lifted, Jensen can see, Jared is indeed healing well. The incision is a little red but the stitches and staples are neat and there is no ominous inflammation, or oozing. It’s not at all the Frankensteinian horror he had first thought.
Katie smiles. “Your injury also affected your heart as well as your lung, so, until Dr. Connell changes the order, yes, you do.” She applies new electrodes, and cleans and dresses Jared’s incision. “Is there anything else you need?”
“I’m good,” Jared says flashing another of those dimpled smiles.
Jensen wonders if he will ever be able to look at the scar Jared will carry for the rest of his life and not feel guilty. He has it because of Jensen.
“Jense,” Jared says sounding stern. “Don’t. I’m happy to have it if it means you’re still here.”
Something inside Jensen cracks open and he lays his head on Jared’s hip and cries softly. Jared laces his fingers through Jensen’s hair and makes soothing crooning noises while Jensen finally releases the fear, anxiety, guilt, and sadness he has carried with him for days. After ten, or fifteen minutes he raises his head. Jared is gazing at him, eyes warm with understanding, and overflowing with love.
“Listen, Jense, I don’t expect and would never want you to off yourself because of me. I’d want you to live your life to the fullest. Live it for both of us. Okay?”
Jensen sniffs, clears his throat, regains control. “Yeah.” Jensen scrubs his face. “Do you remember much?”
“Not much. I remember Emma wanting to wear a god awful chartreuse dress.” Jared visibly shudders in revulsion. “But after that it’s blank. Colin filled me in when he was here. He says he and his guys got ‘em. Wish I could get a piece.”
“We’re retired, Jared. And we’re gonna stay that way.”
Jared grins. “Spoil sport.”
Following the removal of the breathing tube Jared was relocated from the ICU to a regular private room on the sixth floor. Jared will not allow Jensen to spend 24/7 with him, arguing vehemently that he cannot rest unless he knows Jensen is getting some rest and caring for himself. Jensen cannot argue with that. So he, Colin, or Tommy Blue and Mike, rotate to keep Jared company, but Jensen is always relieved when he gets to be with Jared again.
Jensen hears laughter coming from Jared’s room as he walks down the hallway, nodding to the nurses at the nursing station. Colin, Emma and the kids were visiting Jared this morning. Jensen enters Jared’s room, and his heart warms at the sight. Jaysen, with a book open, is on the bed with Jared, tucked up to his right side, and Meggie is on his left. They seem to be playing a game on a tablet while Jaysen reads to them. Jared looks better and better each time Jensen sees him, more of his color returning and the dark hollows under his eyes fading, and his energy coming back. Dr. Connell was talking about releasing Jared in a day or two, and Jensen was ecstatic.
“Hi, Gran’pa,” Jaysen greets flashing a big smile with a couple of missing teeth. Jaysen favors his mother in looks, from the blond hair to the blue-grey eyes.
“Gan’pa!” Meggie says bouncing a little.
Jensen catches the way Jared winces at the movement but doesn’t admonish the little girl and she settles back down quickly as Jensen takes a seat to the left of the bed. Jensen looks down at Meggie; Jared’s genes are strong in her, from her blue-green almond shaped eyes, to the thick brown hair, and she, unlike her brother, has dimples.
“Gran’pa Jay says he’s not a robot,” Jaysen says. “Even if he does have wires stuck to him.”
“Nope, sorry, buddy. It’s all boring medical stuff. Would be cool to be a robot though, but like the T-1000 from that old movie.” Jensen grins, of course Jared would want to be a literal killing machine. Jaysen however, only five, doesn’t understand the reference and goes back to his book.
“What are you three doing?” Jensen asks.
“I’m readin’ to Gran’pa.” Jaysen holds up his book, The Sneetches, by Dr. Suess.
“Play’n fishies!” Meggie chirps up, poking at the tablet propped up on the over-bed table. “Dammit!” She huffs when she appears to lose. Jared and Jensen stifled their laughs.
“Megan, we do not talk that way,” Emma admonishes the fiery little girl.
“Gan’pa Jay does.” She turns her big doe eyes to Jared.
“I’m an old man, honey,” Jared says gazing down at her with softness and warmth and that familiar mischievous glint in his eyes. “When you get old you can say whatever the hell you want, too.”
Colin faceplams and Emma rolls her eyes. “Jared, don’t encourage her,” Emma says.
Jensen grins. That little girl was gonna be trouble when she got older. Jensen continues watching Jared play whatever game is going on the tablet, and listens to Jaysen read. He thinks about how very different things could have been if Jared hadn’t survived. Jensen would have been broken, his heart a torn and gaping hole inside him. He would have had Colin, Emma, and the grandkids to help mend it, but it would have been a wound that would always weep and never heal.
Jared laughs at something Meggie whispers to him, and Jensen lets the what-ifs go. Jared is here, alive and healing, and better days were ahead for both of them.
