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Title: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
Author: Rose
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 25,000-ish
Warnings/Enticements: Dark Fic. Read At Your Own Risk. I will not post any additional content/potential trigger warnings as they will completely spoil the story.
Summary: Friendly neighborhood pharmacist Jared Padalecki falls in love with frequent customer, Jensen Ackles. He attempts to earn Jensen’s affections but when it appears that another man is stealing him away, Jared abducts the object of his affection and holds him captive. As the days pass, Jared must face the shattering realization of all he has done with tragic consequences.
Author’s Notes Written for the 2014![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
spn_j2_bigbang. Special thanks to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
raise_the_knife, colliding_skies, and samanddeanfan1 for their beta skills and feedback to help me make this the best I could.
Jared entered their bedroom with a smile as he sat the breakfast tray down on the bed. Jared kissed Jensen good morning again as he got back into bed. Jared poured a generous amount of syrup over his flapjacks and offered the warm bottle to Jensen.
“Jared, this is my home but I really miss Icky. Can’t we go to the kennel and get him? I think he’d really like it here. Lots of room to run and play.”
“Soon, Jen. I promise. It will be nice to have a dog around the house again.” Jared gazed down at his flapjacks. He thought back to when his mutt had been alive, always there to greet him when he came home, even when he was old and beginning to succumb to sickness, a companion to run with, play with, to be there and love him with no conditions.
“Jay? What…what’s wrong?”
He shrugged. “Just thinkin’ about my old dog Harley.”
“Is he here?”
Jared’s throat closed up. Harley had been gone for two years but the pain of his loss was still fresh. “No,” he whispered. “He…he had cancer and I had to put…. I had to put him down couple years ago.” He squeezed his eyes shut and a tear slipped down his cheek. “Shit.” He opened his eyes and swiped a fist across his eyes. “I’d had him since he was a pup. Losing him was devastating.”
Jensen rested an arm across Jared’s shoulders. “I’m sorry.”
“For a long time he’d been my only friend, always there for me, even after everyone else abandoned me.”
“Abandoned you?”
“Mom died when I was six. Dad didn’t want much to do with me or my brother and sister, except for when he wanted to smack us around. Paps took us in when I was fourteen and a year later he gave me Harley. Jeff and Megan left here as soon as they could but not me. I like it here. That’s why I want us to have a life here, Jen. This was a happy place for me.”
Jensen nodded, eyes warm and sympathetic. Jared tried hard to forget his troubled youth, overcome it, and he thought most times he did a good job. He’d gone to college on academic scholarship, gotten a job out of school, and held down his steady job at Sheppard’s Drugs & Sundries for nine years. But finding and falling in love with Jensen had made him realize how alone he had been and turned his world upside down in the best way.
“You know, Jay, I haven’t seen much of our home other than our bedroom and what’s out the window. This is a big place, from what I can guess. I want to help make our house a home, help get our farm up and running. You know when I was younger I worked on a ranch for a couple of summers. I can help. I want to help.”
“It’ll be so great, Jen! When I was in college I thought about studying to be an equine vet or animal husbandry, but Paps had his stroke and the business dwindled so that plan changed.”
Jensen pulled Jared closer to him, kissed his temple. “Don’t think about it if it makes you sad. Just think about us and our life here.”
“I love you so much, Jensen. I’m so glad you’re here.” He leaned in and took Jensen’s mouth in a kiss.
“So? How about giving me a tour of the place?” Jensen asked when the kiss broke.
Jared rested his forehead against Jensen’s. “I dunno, Jen. This place has been empty for years. I really only have our bedroom furnished. Kinda ashamed for you to see the rest of the house.” He shrugged and ducked his head. “It’s mostly empty. What I didn’t keep, I sold off or donated to the Goodwill, didn’t’ think I’d ever need it, and having some of his things in my own place…well, it hurt, ya know?” Jensen nodded in understanding. “The grounds are in bad shape, too.”
Jensen kissed his neck, a little nibble that had Jared’s blood heating. “I don’t care about that. We can make it a great place again. I want to see everything. Show me.” He pulled back and met Jared’s eyes again. “Please, baby?”
Jared rubbed his nose with Jensen’s, heart trip-hammering in his chest. “Okay, but don’t expect anything as nice as in here.”
Jensen nodded, eyes bright. “I’m sure it's fine.”
Jared got out of bed and Jensen followed. Jared took Jensen’s hand and led him to the door. Jensen smiled as they walked into the hallway. Jared squeezed his hand. “House has four bedrooms and two baths.” Jared indicated a door a little further down the hall and to the left of their bedroom, and a couple of doors across the hall. “A linen closet there.” He pointed to a door at the end of the hall. “Attic access there. Paps kept an office downstairs to keep track of the business, but we could move the office into one of the spare bedrooms and turn the office into a home theatre or game room. Sound good?”
“Yeah. Can I see it? I have a pool table in storage we could use.”
Jared smiled. “Yeah, sure. Kitchen is big and bright, looks out over the paddocks. It’ll need some updating, of course. New cabinets and fixtures for the most part. The plumbing is solid, all copper pipes.” Jared led the way down the hall and to the staircase. Jensen tagged along behind, opening a door and peering into the other room. Jared loved the interest Jensen was finally showing in their home. For the first time he allowed himself to hope that his plan was working and Jensen felt the pull between them and was falling in love. “Empty rooms I’m afraid, but between your furniture and mine we should be able to furnish the house the way we want. I’ve saved practically every dollar I’ve made so I have a nice nest egg if you want to buy all new furniture.” The wood floors creaked under their feet. It was a nice homey sound to Jared.
“There are some pieces I’d like to keep.”
“Anything you want, Jensen,” Jared said over his shoulder as he began to descend the stairs. “There is a fireplace in what used to be Pap’s office and an old iron pot belly stove in the living room.”
Jensen hummed.
Jared wasn’t sure what happened. There was pressure against his back. His feet went out from beneath him. His arms pinwheeled to try to regain his balance, but he was falling. The breath left his lungs. His body battered as he tumbled down the stairs. The lip of each step dug into his back, sides, thighs, even buffeting his head. He landed breathless and bruised, head spinning. It felt like he was still falling, even though he could feel the hard wood under him. He struggled to open his eyes and regain some equilibrium. There were pounding footsteps descending the stairs. He reached out blindly and grasped a handful of denim.
“No!” Jensen growled and kicked, bare foot landing solidly in Jared’s gut. On instinct, Jared grabbed the foot and held on with all his strength. Why was Jensen doing this? He had been so interested in their home. It was a lie? Why would he lie, betray the trust Jared had placed in him? Didn’t he understand how much Jared loved him? Didn’t he know Jared would do anything he asked? Why was he hurting Jared like this? What had he done to make him so unhappy?
Jared tugged on his leg. Jensen cried out before he landed with a thud near Jared.
“Lemme go, you crazy motherfucker!” Jensen kicked out. Jared held on. There was no way he was letting Jensen run off like this. They could work this out. It was just a misunderstanding. He loved Jensen and Jensen loved him back. He had to.
Another feral growl before a fist connected with Jared’s temple, sending him reeling, but he would not relinquish the iron hold he hand on Jensen’s calf. He tugged him closer.
“Goddamn you!”
Repulsed but left with no other choice Jared struck out with a fist, connecting with a crunch on Jensen’s cheekbone. There was a soft gasp from Jensen. Jared swung again and Jensen went out. Jared howled in anger, disbelief, and grief at having had to strike the person he loved more than anything.
* * *
Jared stared into the flames. The house was quiet now. Jensen had shouted obscenities when he came to a couple of days ago and Jared left him to it. He was bruised from his fall down the stairs, he had a slight headache from the punch Jensen had landed but it wasn’t any worse than what his father used to dole out. Besides, his injuries weren’t important—when he thought about the hell of a shiner Jensen was sporting from where Jared had slugged him, guilt clawed at his insides. Jared had placed an icepack over the wounded eye as soon as he had gotten Jensen back into their bedroom.
He thought they had been making progress, they had made love, they talked and shared things but it had all been a lie, a ruse to earn Jared’s trust so Jensen could leave. He couldn’t figure out why Jensen would want to leave. Jared was trying to make their home the best he could by himself. The house wasn’t fancy but it was theirs, free and clear. What more could he do? He sighed, ran a hand through his hair.
The only thing that seemed to make Jensen let go and show his true feelings for Jared was the G. Jensen was relaxed and open when the stuff kicked in. Why was Jensen fighting his feelings so hard when he wasn’t given any? Jared’s supply of G was very low but he did have several E tablets and some herbal concoctions he purchased online, supposed to have the same effect as G according to the users on the message board. Jared pushed to his feet. Moving like an old man he made his way into the kitchen and opened the little cabinet above the stove. He plucked out the bottle containing the E. He would give Jensen a couple, just to get him to let go, give in to his true feelings. He nodded to himself, set out four tablets and started to prepare dinner.
Half an hour later he headed upstairs with their dinner tray. The past couple of days he had let Jensen have his meals in peace but not today.
“Dinner,” he said with a smile that he didn’t feel as he entered their bedroom. Jensen was still secured to the bed with a handcuff. The urinal bottle on the night table needed to be emptied.
Jensen kicked out as Jared neared the bed with the tray. “Fuck you and your dinner!”
Jared sighed, avoiding looking at Jensen because he couldn’t bear seeing the black eye he had given him, though it was beginning to turn from deep purple to red and yellow, not to mention the bruise on his wrist from the handcuff. Restraining Jensen was a step Jared was loathe to take, but he couldn’t trust him now. “Angel hair pasta with a light sauce of garlic, herbs and parmesan. I have a nice bottle of wine to go with it.”
“I don’t want food! I want to leave!”
Jared looked at Jensen then. “Jen, please…just....” Words got caught in his throat. Love me. “Please eat.” He sat the tray on the bed, half expecting Jensen to kick at it, but he didn’t. Instead he glared mutinously at the steaming plate of pasta. Jared took the opportunity to collect the urinal and empty it out in the bathroom. As he washed it, he heard the clink of cutlery on ceramic. He breathed a sigh of relief.
He went back to the bedroom and find Jensen eating, eyes watching Jared as he moved to set the urinal back down on the night table. He took the other plate of pasta and sat down in the arm chair a few feet from the bed, away from Jensen and his kicking feet.
Jensen finished eating first, setting his plate back on the tray. Jared mostly picked at his food; his appetite had waned in the last couple of days. He put his plate back on the tray and removed it, heading to the door.
“Jay?”
Jared turned to see Jensen with an uncomfortable look on his face. “Yeah?”
“Can…can you take this off me?” He rattled the cuff. “I need to use the bathroom, maybe have a shower even? Please?”
Jared looked at the clean urinal but knew that wouldn’t suffice for other bathroom needs. He sat the tray on the dresser and cautiously approached Jensen. Jensen’s face had a dull flush. “Please? I’mma embarrass myself here in a minute, man.” Jared pulled out the tiny handcuff key, half expecting, maybe even wanting, Jensen to hit him, but instead, as the cuff opened, Jensen was up and off the bed, beating a hasty retreat into the bathroom. Jared picked up the tray again, closed and locked the door behind him. Maybe by showing Jensen this little amount of trust they could get back to where they had been.
Jared heard the pipes rattle as he piled the dishes into the sink and knew Jensen was taking a shower. Jared wiped his hands on the towel before heading back upstairs. He wasn’t sure how the E would affect Jensen, or if it would at all. The G was easy to slip him because of the liquid form, but Jensen had eaten the pasta and the small tablets hadn’t been detected. Jared remained downstairs for half an hour, giving the pills time to take effect and Jensen to relax.
When he entered their bedroom Jensen was lying on the bed naked, skin shimmering in the fading light of twilight coming in through the window. Beautiful toned chest moving up and down evenly. A low thrum of arousal began to burn in Jared’s blood. He swallowed and approached the bed. He reached out, fingers trailing down that chest in a gentle caress. Jensen’s lids fluttered and he purred. “Mmm, feels good.”
“That’s all I wanna do, Jen, love you and make you feel good.” Why won’t you let me? He stripped off his clothes and climbed into bed with Jensen. He made love to his partner, taking his time, drawing out those throaty moans from the man beneath him. Jensen let go, rode the wave of drug-induced sensation. Jared whispered words of love and devotion and if he sounded like he's begging it’s only because of the mind blowing pleasure. He made sure Jensen found his release first before taking his own, almost as an afterthought.
He cuddled up next to Jensen aware he should be basking in afterglow but it wasn’t there. What was were the beginnings of doubt and fear. Of what he didn’t know.
Or maybe he did.
* * *
Jared settled them into a routine. He allowed Jensen his freedom of movement around their bedroom, but not out of it. He brought Jensen breakfast and lunch. Sometimes Jensen ate, sometime he threw the offered meal at Jared with curses. Sometimes Jared dosed Jensen with G or E and made love to him. Sometimes he didn’t. When he doesn’t, it’s because there was an evil little voice whispering, growing louder each passing day, that there never was anything between them and never would be. There was something between them. There had to be. If not…Jared shuddered at the implications.
* * *
Jensen was sprawled on the bed, compliant beneath Jared as he kissed and nuzzled at his throat as he worked three fingers deep into Jensen’s body. He moaned softly, lids fluttering, hips moving in rhythm with Jared’s hand.
He was so responsive. No way he wasn’t as into this as Jared was.
The drugs are designed to make him responsive. That’s why you bought them, remember? Jared’s mouth turned down in a frown as he withdrew his fingers from Jensen’s body. He pushed down the thought that making love to Jensen was always one sided. Jensen was not pleading with Jared for more, harder, faster, or clutching at him with fingers digging into his muscles. When he kissed him Jensen’s lips moved in a sloppy half-hearted attempt to return the kiss. He slicked his cock and pushed into Jensen’s body with one smooth slide, eyes closing as the tight heat gripped him and his heart thudded.
"You love me. I know you do.” He whispered variations of this over and over like a mantra as he made love to Jensen. When he came the pleasure was distant to the pit opening in his stomach, threatening to swallow him whole. He took care to clean Jensen up and tuck him in. He caught himself about to press a kiss to his parted lips, but pulled back. He settled for running his fingers through the soft, short spikes of Jensen’s hair whispering, “love you, Jen,” before leaving the room, wanting be alone with his thoughts at the same time he didn’t. Realization began to dawn like the sun after a long, dark night, or maybe a thunderstorm that turns the sky black, and he can see the devastation of the passing storm in the unforgiving daylight.
* * *
He ran out of E on a Wednesday. He thought about the documents he found online about manufacturing G. He had a degree, the chemicals were easy to get, and process wasn’t too intricate, but he still had the bottles of herbal concoctions he bought online that ravers swore by. He looked at the bottle. Expensive fucking things and if he gave Jensen the recommended dosage he’ll run out quick.
Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
Jared shook his head, dropping the last tablets of E into Jensen’s glass of sweet tea. After this he’s going to have to try the herbal pills, but he’s not entirely sure what’s in them. The website he bought them from had listed a few things, but, really, who knows? Giving Jensen designer drugs was one thing, but giving him something when he himself doesn’t even know the source? He swallowed. Looked up to the ceiling, Jensen was up there. What if the pills did something to him, something Jared didn’t want? Then what?
He waited for the E to dissolve as he went about fixing lunch. Twenty minutes later, he headed upstairs to their bedroom with their lunch tray. He unlocked the door and entered to see Jensen sitting on the bed weeping, head held in his hands, pathetic little whimpers escaping him, body bouncing as he tried to suppress the sounds of his sobbing. Jared set the tray of soup and sandwiches down on the dresser and went to sit beside Jensen. Instead of calming Jensen, Jared’s presence seemed to make Jensen’s crying intensify.
“Shh, it’s okay, baby. I’m here. Everything is okay.” He held him tight and kissed his temple.
“I wan’ go home. I miss my dog. I miss my Momma.” He gave a mighty sniff and raised pleading eyes to Jared’s. He reached out, hand fisting in Jared’s blue plaid shirt. “Please let me go. I swear to God I’ll never tell.”
Jared has seen Jensen scream, throw things in defiance, but never seen him like this. Jensen looks shattered, broken, face ashen and eyes wide and glittering with a film of tears. Jared can’t do it anymore. His carefully constructed plan to make Jensen fall in love came crashing down like a collapsing skyscraper, crushing him under the rubble. He can’t breathe. One thought flashing in his mind like a marquee for a Hollywood movie: Jen doesn’t love me. And he’s done the one thing he thought he’d never do. He had hurt Jensen.
He felt like Carrie at the prom, only he doesn’t have anyone to lose his rage on, only himself. Jensen is broken and he is to blame. He broke him so completely, reduced this proud gorgeous man to a shadow of his former self, sobbing begging like a child for his momma.
Jared felt like he was moving in slow motion as he moved away from Jensen. Jensen gazed up at him, the light that Jared fell in love with was gone from his eyes, extinguished by Jared, by his confinement. Jared’s chest ached. The pit inside him opened a little wider, pulling him in like a black hole. He can’t escape now. What has he done?
Kidnap. Rape.
Jared staggered back. He couldn’t feel his own feet as he moved. Every event from the last month played over in his mind.
“Jared?”
Jared couldn’t guess what Jensen saw on his face that made him sober up, and he doesn’t care, he just had to get away from here.
His mouth opened and closed. There was nothing he could say; no apology he could make that would even begin to right this grievous wrong. His chest felt as if it was caught in a vice. His head spun. “I…I can’t. I…Jensen I….I’m sorry.” With that he bolted from the bedroom, slamming and locking the door because it was automatic and raced down the stairs and out of the house.
He ran, long legs eating up the ground until the house was far behind him and the overgrown grasses of the farm around him, but he can’t outrun the knowledge of his sins. The isolation made everything worse, brought it into sharper focus, unbearable clarity. His mind screamed recriminations at him. Vivid images of Jensen devastated and weeping assault him. He can hear his pleas loud as thunderclaps in his ears. God, what is he? The weights had slipped from his eyes and he could see. He’s a rapist. A monster.
Please let me go. I swear to God I’ll never tell.
I wan’ go home. I miss my dog. I miss my Momma.
I wan’ go home.
Home which was not with Jared and never would be. Home was Jupiter or maybe even Dallas. Wherever home was, it was far away from Jared. The pain in his cheat reached a fever pitch as if he had been run through with a red-hot poker. The muscles in his legs burn protesting each move and he fell to his knees. He fisted his hair as the howl of a wounded animal ripped through the air. Panting, attempting to recover, he realized the cry issued from his own throat.
Remorse and regret sink their claws into him, like a bear tearing into a camper’s rucksack in search of food. He couldn’t run away from this pain. He was in a Hell of his own making but knew it cannot compare to the Hell Jensen has been going through; isolated, alone, and at Jared’s mercy. He must have been terrified when he realized he wasn’t going to be able to leave, that there was no way out of that room, and Jared had been so blinded by his fantasy, his fixation, with Jensen he hadn’t been able to see it. He screamed again, tearing at his hair. He didn’t think it was possible to feel this kind of pain and still go on living. He wished he had broken his neck when Jensen pushed him down those steps. Jensen would be free and Jared would be out of his misery. The thought of living without Jensen wrings another cry from him. He’s not sure he can do that, doesn’t want to.
He didn’t know how long he stayed outside, long enough for the sun to set and paint the sky in breathtaking shades of gold, pink, and red before fading from deepest blue to inky black. The moon replaced sun and the stars came out to play. They looked so vibrant and alive but Jared knows in reality they are long dead. Just like his dreams of a happy future with Jensen. He needed to get back to the house. There are snakes, coyotes, and wolves that roam, not that he much cares if he got eaten alive, he deserved it, but he had to deal with Jensen.
He made his way back to the house, soul and body feeling disconnected. A lead ball settled in his stomach and grew heavier the closer he got to—well, not home—the farm house. He let himself in and listened. All was quiet. There was no urge to go upstairs and look in on Jensen. He walked to the coat closet near the front door. He took out the lockbox with the gun in it. His hands shook as he set it down. He unlocked it and pulled the gun out. It sat cold and heavy in his hand. He lifted his head and met his sad eyes in the mirror. All he had ever wanted was someone to love him. He’d been looking for that since he could remember. His mom may have loved him but he doesn’t remember her well and what he remembers of his father could never be construed as love. Paps loved him, so had Harley, but that wasn’t the kind of love he longed for. Maybe something was wrong, rotten, inside him. Something that made his father abuse him, friends drift away, and boyfriends dump him, and he didn’t know it. There had to be a reason why he always ended up alone, right? He had so much love to give but no one wanted what he had to offer, certainly not Jensen. Maybe he gave off some aura or vibe he wasn’t aware of, or maybe it was something simpler. Maybe he didn’t deserve love.
He griped the gun tight for a moment before tucking it down the back of his jeans. He trudged over to the sofa and collapsed on it, staring at his folded hands in his lap. He couldn’t hear Jensen moving around above him. Wondered if he was asleep. He hoped if he was that his dreams were pleasant but he doubted it. With a sigh, he lay down but didn’t think sleep would come.
* * *
“Jared! Jared! Are you here?”
Jared’s eyes snapped open at the sound of Jensen bellowing. He grunted as he sat up.
“Jared! Please! Answer me!”
Jensen’s voice had a tone that Jared has never heard, not anger despite the volume, but something else. He bolted up and off the couch, heartbeat speeding up, tripping over his own feet in his haste to get to him worried that maybe Jensen was sick or hurt driving him up the stairs.
“Jensen?” Jared unlocked the door and burst inside. His shoulders slumped and relief took hold as he saw Jensen appeared to be well enough. “I’m here. What’s wrong?”
Jensen licked his lips. “I…you…you left like the devil was on your heels yesterday.”
Jared moved into the room sliding into the chair across from the bed. “You don’t have to act concerned, Jensen. I get it now. You don’t love me, you never did. It was all in my head, and now you never will love me.”
Jensen pulled a face before his features morphed into something wary. Why shouldn’t he be wary? Jared had done nothing up abuse him. He felt the .9mm pressing heavily into the small of his back, reminding him what he must to. Jared has to end this. He pushed to his feet. “But it’s okay. I can fix things.”
Jared withdrew the gun tucked down the back of his jeans.
Jensen’s already pale face drained of even more color. His throat worked as he swallowed. “Whoa, Jared.” His voice was low and calm despite the way his hands were shaking as he held them out. “Put the gun away.”
Jared’s throat closed up. He knew what he had to do. “It’s okay, Jensen. I’ll go and you can leave. Just…be happy okay?” His vision blurred. He blinked and felt tears burn tracks down his cheeks.
"Jared, please. Put the gun away. You haven’t done anything that can’t be taken back, anything that's unforgivable."
A little sob bubbled up Jared's throat and out. "Right. Because kidnap and rape are so excusable."
Jensen flinched and it wounded Jared like a lance. "Jared, you’re a good guy, I know you are. If you have problems, if you need help with something, I want to help. Please, put the gun down, come over here, and talk to me. Sit beside me. You can put your head in my lap and tell me about yourself. You can do anything you want, just put the gun down."
Jared looked at Jensen, wanting to see love or concern all he saw was fear. Jensen was so afraid of him. “What I want is to not hurt you anymore. I mean, all I've done is hurt you. I can't do it anymore. I won't.” He turned the gun on himself, pressing the steel barrel tight under his chin.
"Jared, no! For the love of God, stop! Please!” Jensen’s words were thick with tears. "Jared, please. Listen to me. Put the damn gun down. Get in bed with me and we can talk. We can work this out. I can help you. I want to help you. I can even forgive you Jared. I do forgive you."
"It doesn't matter that you can forgive me, Jensen. I can't forgive myself. Look at what I've...I’ve been doing to you. Oh, God!” Jared turned his head as he gagged, feeling bile rising in his throat. All the psychological trauma he had inflicted on Jensen from the rapes and confinement, and he had probably gotten Jensen addicted to the drugs he kept dosing him with, in the lame desperate hope that they would make Jensen fall in love with him...Jensen would never be the same.
“You love me, right? What about me? How am I supposed to deal with the fact that you killed yourself because of me? You want to put that on me? You want me to live the rest of my life with that guilt? Leave me so every time I close my eyes I see you blowing your brains out? Put the gun down.”
Jared hadn’t thought of that. Christ, he can’t even do this right! Jensen is right. Jared doesn’t want Jensen to have to live with more pain than he had already inflicted on him. After all the trauma Jared has inflicted on Jensen, the emotional scars will never heal. He’ll never be able to move on. The damage he’s done to Jensen is too great. He’s violated his body, and polluted his mind with drugs. And for what? Some half-assed misguided attempt to make Jensen fall in love with him.
An idea occurred to him, as repulsive as it was romantic. A way to spare Jensen any further pain, and set both of them free. No one will miss him and while people will mourn for Jensen, they’ll move on. It was an act of mercy. A blessing. A final act of love. A way to right all the wrongs and absolve his sins. In freeing Jensen, he’ll pay his penance as well. It won’t be so bad. They’ll go together.
Jared inched the gun away from his chin.
Jensen gave an encouraging smile. "Yeah, that's good Jared.” Jensen slowly stood up. "Come here.” He opened his arms to Jared. "It'll be okay, now. C'm here."
Jared wanted nothing more than to go to Jensen, be welcomed in his embrace, but Jared knew it would just be a lie. Jensen didn’t love him and never would.
Jared nodded decisively. “You’re right, Jensen. It will be okay.” Summoning all his strength and resolve, he lifted the gun and aimed at Jensen’s heart.
“Jared, no! No! Don—”
The gunshot was loud but drowned out by Jared’s heartrending scream as Jensen fell back onto the bed, a deep red stain blossoming at the center of his still chest, growing larger.
Jensen’s blood.
He’s so lightheaded. His vision swam. He couldn’t breathe. Before he passed out or changed his mind he moved forward in jerky little steps. He all but collapses onto the bed beside Jensen when he reached it. His chest hurt as if he were the one with a bullet buried in it. Soul-deep sobs pour from him as he gathers Jensen in his arms, tucking him close. He’s still warm and pliant. If not for the blood soaking through the sheets, making the hand he had pressed to Jensen’s back slippery with it, Jared could almost believe Jensen was alive. He kissed Jensen once, twice. Ridiculous as it is he finds himself hoping that Jensen will miraculously wake up like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. He pulled back, closed Jensen’s empty staring eyes.
Jared had never been a particularly religious man but he does believe in an afterlife, a place you go and live in your happiest time. His happiest time was here with Paps and Harley, and here with Jensen when he had still been laboring under the delusion that he could make the other man fall for him. Maybe…maybe when it’s all over he and Jensen will be together after all. Paps, hale and hearty, running the farm, Jared with Jensen by his side to help and Harley and Icarus running around. Perfect. Jared closed his eyes, focused on that happy thought as he pressed the gun to his temple. The barrel was still hot and burned him as he squeezed the trigger.
Art Post
Fic Masterpost
Author: Rose
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Jensen Ackles
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 25,000-ish
Warnings/Enticements: Dark Fic. Read At Your Own Risk. I will not post any additional content/potential trigger warnings as they will completely spoil the story.
Summary: Friendly neighborhood pharmacist Jared Padalecki falls in love with frequent customer, Jensen Ackles. He attempts to earn Jensen’s affections but when it appears that another man is stealing him away, Jared abducts the object of his affection and holds him captive. As the days pass, Jared must face the shattering realization of all he has done with tragic consequences.
Author’s Notes Written for the 2014
spn_j2_bigbang. Special thanks to raise_the_knife, colliding_skies, and samanddeanfan1 for their beta skills and feedback to help me make this the best I could.Jared entered their bedroom with a smile as he sat the breakfast tray down on the bed. Jared kissed Jensen good morning again as he got back into bed. Jared poured a generous amount of syrup over his flapjacks and offered the warm bottle to Jensen.
“Jared, this is my home but I really miss Icky. Can’t we go to the kennel and get him? I think he’d really like it here. Lots of room to run and play.”
“Soon, Jen. I promise. It will be nice to have a dog around the house again.” Jared gazed down at his flapjacks. He thought back to when his mutt had been alive, always there to greet him when he came home, even when he was old and beginning to succumb to sickness, a companion to run with, play with, to be there and love him with no conditions.
“Jay? What…what’s wrong?”
He shrugged. “Just thinkin’ about my old dog Harley.”
“Is he here?”
Jared’s throat closed up. Harley had been gone for two years but the pain of his loss was still fresh. “No,” he whispered. “He…he had cancer and I had to put…. I had to put him down couple years ago.” He squeezed his eyes shut and a tear slipped down his cheek. “Shit.” He opened his eyes and swiped a fist across his eyes. “I’d had him since he was a pup. Losing him was devastating.”
Jensen rested an arm across Jared’s shoulders. “I’m sorry.”
“For a long time he’d been my only friend, always there for me, even after everyone else abandoned me.”
“Abandoned you?”
“Mom died when I was six. Dad didn’t want much to do with me or my brother and sister, except for when he wanted to smack us around. Paps took us in when I was fourteen and a year later he gave me Harley. Jeff and Megan left here as soon as they could but not me. I like it here. That’s why I want us to have a life here, Jen. This was a happy place for me.”
Jensen nodded, eyes warm and sympathetic. Jared tried hard to forget his troubled youth, overcome it, and he thought most times he did a good job. He’d gone to college on academic scholarship, gotten a job out of school, and held down his steady job at Sheppard’s Drugs & Sundries for nine years. But finding and falling in love with Jensen had made him realize how alone he had been and turned his world upside down in the best way.
“You know, Jay, I haven’t seen much of our home other than our bedroom and what’s out the window. This is a big place, from what I can guess. I want to help make our house a home, help get our farm up and running. You know when I was younger I worked on a ranch for a couple of summers. I can help. I want to help.”
“It’ll be so great, Jen! When I was in college I thought about studying to be an equine vet or animal husbandry, but Paps had his stroke and the business dwindled so that plan changed.”
Jensen pulled Jared closer to him, kissed his temple. “Don’t think about it if it makes you sad. Just think about us and our life here.”
“I love you so much, Jensen. I’m so glad you’re here.” He leaned in and took Jensen’s mouth in a kiss.
“So? How about giving me a tour of the place?” Jensen asked when the kiss broke.
Jared rested his forehead against Jensen’s. “I dunno, Jen. This place has been empty for years. I really only have our bedroom furnished. Kinda ashamed for you to see the rest of the house.” He shrugged and ducked his head. “It’s mostly empty. What I didn’t keep, I sold off or donated to the Goodwill, didn’t’ think I’d ever need it, and having some of his things in my own place…well, it hurt, ya know?” Jensen nodded in understanding. “The grounds are in bad shape, too.”
Jensen kissed his neck, a little nibble that had Jared’s blood heating. “I don’t care about that. We can make it a great place again. I want to see everything. Show me.” He pulled back and met Jared’s eyes again. “Please, baby?”
Jared rubbed his nose with Jensen’s, heart trip-hammering in his chest. “Okay, but don’t expect anything as nice as in here.”
Jensen nodded, eyes bright. “I’m sure it's fine.”
Jared got out of bed and Jensen followed. Jared took Jensen’s hand and led him to the door. Jensen smiled as they walked into the hallway. Jared squeezed his hand. “House has four bedrooms and two baths.” Jared indicated a door a little further down the hall and to the left of their bedroom, and a couple of doors across the hall. “A linen closet there.” He pointed to a door at the end of the hall. “Attic access there. Paps kept an office downstairs to keep track of the business, but we could move the office into one of the spare bedrooms and turn the office into a home theatre or game room. Sound good?”
“Yeah. Can I see it? I have a pool table in storage we could use.”
Jared smiled. “Yeah, sure. Kitchen is big and bright, looks out over the paddocks. It’ll need some updating, of course. New cabinets and fixtures for the most part. The plumbing is solid, all copper pipes.” Jared led the way down the hall and to the staircase. Jensen tagged along behind, opening a door and peering into the other room. Jared loved the interest Jensen was finally showing in their home. For the first time he allowed himself to hope that his plan was working and Jensen felt the pull between them and was falling in love. “Empty rooms I’m afraid, but between your furniture and mine we should be able to furnish the house the way we want. I’ve saved practically every dollar I’ve made so I have a nice nest egg if you want to buy all new furniture.” The wood floors creaked under their feet. It was a nice homey sound to Jared.
“There are some pieces I’d like to keep.”
“Anything you want, Jensen,” Jared said over his shoulder as he began to descend the stairs. “There is a fireplace in what used to be Pap’s office and an old iron pot belly stove in the living room.”
Jensen hummed.
Jared wasn’t sure what happened. There was pressure against his back. His feet went out from beneath him. His arms pinwheeled to try to regain his balance, but he was falling. The breath left his lungs. His body battered as he tumbled down the stairs. The lip of each step dug into his back, sides, thighs, even buffeting his head. He landed breathless and bruised, head spinning. It felt like he was still falling, even though he could feel the hard wood under him. He struggled to open his eyes and regain some equilibrium. There were pounding footsteps descending the stairs. He reached out blindly and grasped a handful of denim.
“No!” Jensen growled and kicked, bare foot landing solidly in Jared’s gut. On instinct, Jared grabbed the foot and held on with all his strength. Why was Jensen doing this? He had been so interested in their home. It was a lie? Why would he lie, betray the trust Jared had placed in him? Didn’t he understand how much Jared loved him? Didn’t he know Jared would do anything he asked? Why was he hurting Jared like this? What had he done to make him so unhappy?
Jared tugged on his leg. Jensen cried out before he landed with a thud near Jared.
“Lemme go, you crazy motherfucker!” Jensen kicked out. Jared held on. There was no way he was letting Jensen run off like this. They could work this out. It was just a misunderstanding. He loved Jensen and Jensen loved him back. He had to.
Another feral growl before a fist connected with Jared’s temple, sending him reeling, but he would not relinquish the iron hold he hand on Jensen’s calf. He tugged him closer.
“Goddamn you!”
Repulsed but left with no other choice Jared struck out with a fist, connecting with a crunch on Jensen’s cheekbone. There was a soft gasp from Jensen. Jared swung again and Jensen went out. Jared howled in anger, disbelief, and grief at having had to strike the person he loved more than anything.
Jared stared into the flames. The house was quiet now. Jensen had shouted obscenities when he came to a couple of days ago and Jared left him to it. He was bruised from his fall down the stairs, he had a slight headache from the punch Jensen had landed but it wasn’t any worse than what his father used to dole out. Besides, his injuries weren’t important—when he thought about the hell of a shiner Jensen was sporting from where Jared had slugged him, guilt clawed at his insides. Jared had placed an icepack over the wounded eye as soon as he had gotten Jensen back into their bedroom.
He thought they had been making progress, they had made love, they talked and shared things but it had all been a lie, a ruse to earn Jared’s trust so Jensen could leave. He couldn’t figure out why Jensen would want to leave. Jared was trying to make their home the best he could by himself. The house wasn’t fancy but it was theirs, free and clear. What more could he do? He sighed, ran a hand through his hair.
The only thing that seemed to make Jensen let go and show his true feelings for Jared was the G. Jensen was relaxed and open when the stuff kicked in. Why was Jensen fighting his feelings so hard when he wasn’t given any? Jared’s supply of G was very low but he did have several E tablets and some herbal concoctions he purchased online, supposed to have the same effect as G according to the users on the message board. Jared pushed to his feet. Moving like an old man he made his way into the kitchen and opened the little cabinet above the stove. He plucked out the bottle containing the E. He would give Jensen a couple, just to get him to let go, give in to his true feelings. He nodded to himself, set out four tablets and started to prepare dinner.
Half an hour later he headed upstairs with their dinner tray. The past couple of days he had let Jensen have his meals in peace but not today.
“Dinner,” he said with a smile that he didn’t feel as he entered their bedroom. Jensen was still secured to the bed with a handcuff. The urinal bottle on the night table needed to be emptied.
Jensen kicked out as Jared neared the bed with the tray. “Fuck you and your dinner!”
Jared sighed, avoiding looking at Jensen because he couldn’t bear seeing the black eye he had given him, though it was beginning to turn from deep purple to red and yellow, not to mention the bruise on his wrist from the handcuff. Restraining Jensen was a step Jared was loathe to take, but he couldn’t trust him now. “Angel hair pasta with a light sauce of garlic, herbs and parmesan. I have a nice bottle of wine to go with it.”
“I don’t want food! I want to leave!”
Jared looked at Jensen then. “Jen, please…just....” Words got caught in his throat. Love me. “Please eat.” He sat the tray on the bed, half expecting Jensen to kick at it, but he didn’t. Instead he glared mutinously at the steaming plate of pasta. Jared took the opportunity to collect the urinal and empty it out in the bathroom. As he washed it, he heard the clink of cutlery on ceramic. He breathed a sigh of relief.
He went back to the bedroom and find Jensen eating, eyes watching Jared as he moved to set the urinal back down on the night table. He took the other plate of pasta and sat down in the arm chair a few feet from the bed, away from Jensen and his kicking feet.
Jensen finished eating first, setting his plate back on the tray. Jared mostly picked at his food; his appetite had waned in the last couple of days. He put his plate back on the tray and removed it, heading to the door.
“Jay?”
Jared turned to see Jensen with an uncomfortable look on his face. “Yeah?”
“Can…can you take this off me?” He rattled the cuff. “I need to use the bathroom, maybe have a shower even? Please?”
Jared looked at the clean urinal but knew that wouldn’t suffice for other bathroom needs. He sat the tray on the dresser and cautiously approached Jensen. Jensen’s face had a dull flush. “Please? I’mma embarrass myself here in a minute, man.” Jared pulled out the tiny handcuff key, half expecting, maybe even wanting, Jensen to hit him, but instead, as the cuff opened, Jensen was up and off the bed, beating a hasty retreat into the bathroom. Jared picked up the tray again, closed and locked the door behind him. Maybe by showing Jensen this little amount of trust they could get back to where they had been.
Jared heard the pipes rattle as he piled the dishes into the sink and knew Jensen was taking a shower. Jared wiped his hands on the towel before heading back upstairs. He wasn’t sure how the E would affect Jensen, or if it would at all. The G was easy to slip him because of the liquid form, but Jensen had eaten the pasta and the small tablets hadn’t been detected. Jared remained downstairs for half an hour, giving the pills time to take effect and Jensen to relax.
When he entered their bedroom Jensen was lying on the bed naked, skin shimmering in the fading light of twilight coming in through the window. Beautiful toned chest moving up and down evenly. A low thrum of arousal began to burn in Jared’s blood. He swallowed and approached the bed. He reached out, fingers trailing down that chest in a gentle caress. Jensen’s lids fluttered and he purred. “Mmm, feels good.”
“That’s all I wanna do, Jen, love you and make you feel good.” Why won’t you let me? He stripped off his clothes and climbed into bed with Jensen. He made love to his partner, taking his time, drawing out those throaty moans from the man beneath him. Jensen let go, rode the wave of drug-induced sensation. Jared whispered words of love and devotion and if he sounded like he's begging it’s only because of the mind blowing pleasure. He made sure Jensen found his release first before taking his own, almost as an afterthought.
He cuddled up next to Jensen aware he should be basking in afterglow but it wasn’t there. What was were the beginnings of doubt and fear. Of what he didn’t know.
Or maybe he did.
Jared settled them into a routine. He allowed Jensen his freedom of movement around their bedroom, but not out of it. He brought Jensen breakfast and lunch. Sometimes Jensen ate, sometime he threw the offered meal at Jared with curses. Sometimes Jared dosed Jensen with G or E and made love to him. Sometimes he didn’t. When he doesn’t, it’s because there was an evil little voice whispering, growing louder each passing day, that there never was anything between them and never would be. There was something between them. There had to be. If not…Jared shuddered at the implications.
Jensen was sprawled on the bed, compliant beneath Jared as he kissed and nuzzled at his throat as he worked three fingers deep into Jensen’s body. He moaned softly, lids fluttering, hips moving in rhythm with Jared’s hand.
He was so responsive. No way he wasn’t as into this as Jared was.
The drugs are designed to make him responsive. That’s why you bought them, remember? Jared’s mouth turned down in a frown as he withdrew his fingers from Jensen’s body. He pushed down the thought that making love to Jensen was always one sided. Jensen was not pleading with Jared for more, harder, faster, or clutching at him with fingers digging into his muscles. When he kissed him Jensen’s lips moved in a sloppy half-hearted attempt to return the kiss. He slicked his cock and pushed into Jensen’s body with one smooth slide, eyes closing as the tight heat gripped him and his heart thudded.
"You love me. I know you do.” He whispered variations of this over and over like a mantra as he made love to Jensen. When he came the pleasure was distant to the pit opening in his stomach, threatening to swallow him whole. He took care to clean Jensen up and tuck him in. He caught himself about to press a kiss to his parted lips, but pulled back. He settled for running his fingers through the soft, short spikes of Jensen’s hair whispering, “love you, Jen,” before leaving the room, wanting be alone with his thoughts at the same time he didn’t. Realization began to dawn like the sun after a long, dark night, or maybe a thunderstorm that turns the sky black, and he can see the devastation of the passing storm in the unforgiving daylight.
He ran out of E on a Wednesday. He thought about the documents he found online about manufacturing G. He had a degree, the chemicals were easy to get, and process wasn’t too intricate, but he still had the bottles of herbal concoctions he bought online that ravers swore by. He looked at the bottle. Expensive fucking things and if he gave Jensen the recommended dosage he’ll run out quick.
Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
Jared shook his head, dropping the last tablets of E into Jensen’s glass of sweet tea. After this he’s going to have to try the herbal pills, but he’s not entirely sure what’s in them. The website he bought them from had listed a few things, but, really, who knows? Giving Jensen designer drugs was one thing, but giving him something when he himself doesn’t even know the source? He swallowed. Looked up to the ceiling, Jensen was up there. What if the pills did something to him, something Jared didn’t want? Then what?
He waited for the E to dissolve as he went about fixing lunch. Twenty minutes later, he headed upstairs to their bedroom with their lunch tray. He unlocked the door and entered to see Jensen sitting on the bed weeping, head held in his hands, pathetic little whimpers escaping him, body bouncing as he tried to suppress the sounds of his sobbing. Jared set the tray of soup and sandwiches down on the dresser and went to sit beside Jensen. Instead of calming Jensen, Jared’s presence seemed to make Jensen’s crying intensify.
“Shh, it’s okay, baby. I’m here. Everything is okay.” He held him tight and kissed his temple.
“I wan’ go home. I miss my dog. I miss my Momma.” He gave a mighty sniff and raised pleading eyes to Jared’s. He reached out, hand fisting in Jared’s blue plaid shirt. “Please let me go. I swear to God I’ll never tell.”
Jared has seen Jensen scream, throw things in defiance, but never seen him like this. Jensen looks shattered, broken, face ashen and eyes wide and glittering with a film of tears. Jared can’t do it anymore. His carefully constructed plan to make Jensen fall in love came crashing down like a collapsing skyscraper, crushing him under the rubble. He can’t breathe. One thought flashing in his mind like a marquee for a Hollywood movie: Jen doesn’t love me. And he’s done the one thing he thought he’d never do. He had hurt Jensen.
He felt like Carrie at the prom, only he doesn’t have anyone to lose his rage on, only himself. Jensen is broken and he is to blame. He broke him so completely, reduced this proud gorgeous man to a shadow of his former self, sobbing begging like a child for his momma.
Jared felt like he was moving in slow motion as he moved away from Jensen. Jensen gazed up at him, the light that Jared fell in love with was gone from his eyes, extinguished by Jared, by his confinement. Jared’s chest ached. The pit inside him opened a little wider, pulling him in like a black hole. He can’t escape now. What has he done?
Kidnap. Rape.
Jared staggered back. He couldn’t feel his own feet as he moved. Every event from the last month played over in his mind.
“Jared?”
Jared couldn’t guess what Jensen saw on his face that made him sober up, and he doesn’t care, he just had to get away from here.
His mouth opened and closed. There was nothing he could say; no apology he could make that would even begin to right this grievous wrong. His chest felt as if it was caught in a vice. His head spun. “I…I can’t. I…Jensen I….I’m sorry.” With that he bolted from the bedroom, slamming and locking the door because it was automatic and raced down the stairs and out of the house.
He ran, long legs eating up the ground until the house was far behind him and the overgrown grasses of the farm around him, but he can’t outrun the knowledge of his sins. The isolation made everything worse, brought it into sharper focus, unbearable clarity. His mind screamed recriminations at him. Vivid images of Jensen devastated and weeping assault him. He can hear his pleas loud as thunderclaps in his ears. God, what is he? The weights had slipped from his eyes and he could see. He’s a rapist. A monster.
Please let me go. I swear to God I’ll never tell.
I wan’ go home. I miss my dog. I miss my Momma.
I wan’ go home.
Home which was not with Jared and never would be. Home was Jupiter or maybe even Dallas. Wherever home was, it was far away from Jared. The pain in his cheat reached a fever pitch as if he had been run through with a red-hot poker. The muscles in his legs burn protesting each move and he fell to his knees. He fisted his hair as the howl of a wounded animal ripped through the air. Panting, attempting to recover, he realized the cry issued from his own throat.
Remorse and regret sink their claws into him, like a bear tearing into a camper’s rucksack in search of food. He couldn’t run away from this pain. He was in a Hell of his own making but knew it cannot compare to the Hell Jensen has been going through; isolated, alone, and at Jared’s mercy. He must have been terrified when he realized he wasn’t going to be able to leave, that there was no way out of that room, and Jared had been so blinded by his fantasy, his fixation, with Jensen he hadn’t been able to see it. He screamed again, tearing at his hair. He didn’t think it was possible to feel this kind of pain and still go on living. He wished he had broken his neck when Jensen pushed him down those steps. Jensen would be free and Jared would be out of his misery. The thought of living without Jensen wrings another cry from him. He’s not sure he can do that, doesn’t want to.
He didn’t know how long he stayed outside, long enough for the sun to set and paint the sky in breathtaking shades of gold, pink, and red before fading from deepest blue to inky black. The moon replaced sun and the stars came out to play. They looked so vibrant and alive but Jared knows in reality they are long dead. Just like his dreams of a happy future with Jensen. He needed to get back to the house. There are snakes, coyotes, and wolves that roam, not that he much cares if he got eaten alive, he deserved it, but he had to deal with Jensen.
He made his way back to the house, soul and body feeling disconnected. A lead ball settled in his stomach and grew heavier the closer he got to—well, not home—the farm house. He let himself in and listened. All was quiet. There was no urge to go upstairs and look in on Jensen. He walked to the coat closet near the front door. He took out the lockbox with the gun in it. His hands shook as he set it down. He unlocked it and pulled the gun out. It sat cold and heavy in his hand. He lifted his head and met his sad eyes in the mirror. All he had ever wanted was someone to love him. He’d been looking for that since he could remember. His mom may have loved him but he doesn’t remember her well and what he remembers of his father could never be construed as love. Paps loved him, so had Harley, but that wasn’t the kind of love he longed for. Maybe something was wrong, rotten, inside him. Something that made his father abuse him, friends drift away, and boyfriends dump him, and he didn’t know it. There had to be a reason why he always ended up alone, right? He had so much love to give but no one wanted what he had to offer, certainly not Jensen. Maybe he gave off some aura or vibe he wasn’t aware of, or maybe it was something simpler. Maybe he didn’t deserve love.
He griped the gun tight for a moment before tucking it down the back of his jeans. He trudged over to the sofa and collapsed on it, staring at his folded hands in his lap. He couldn’t hear Jensen moving around above him. Wondered if he was asleep. He hoped if he was that his dreams were pleasant but he doubted it. With a sigh, he lay down but didn’t think sleep would come.
“Jared! Jared! Are you here?”
Jared’s eyes snapped open at the sound of Jensen bellowing. He grunted as he sat up.
“Jared! Please! Answer me!”
Jensen’s voice had a tone that Jared has never heard, not anger despite the volume, but something else. He bolted up and off the couch, heartbeat speeding up, tripping over his own feet in his haste to get to him worried that maybe Jensen was sick or hurt driving him up the stairs.
“Jensen?” Jared unlocked the door and burst inside. His shoulders slumped and relief took hold as he saw Jensen appeared to be well enough. “I’m here. What’s wrong?”
Jensen licked his lips. “I…you…you left like the devil was on your heels yesterday.”
Jared moved into the room sliding into the chair across from the bed. “You don’t have to act concerned, Jensen. I get it now. You don’t love me, you never did. It was all in my head, and now you never will love me.”
Jensen pulled a face before his features morphed into something wary. Why shouldn’t he be wary? Jared had done nothing up abuse him. He felt the .9mm pressing heavily into the small of his back, reminding him what he must to. Jared has to end this. He pushed to his feet. “But it’s okay. I can fix things.”
Jared withdrew the gun tucked down the back of his jeans.
Jensen’s already pale face drained of even more color. His throat worked as he swallowed. “Whoa, Jared.” His voice was low and calm despite the way his hands were shaking as he held them out. “Put the gun away.”
Jared’s throat closed up. He knew what he had to do. “It’s okay, Jensen. I’ll go and you can leave. Just…be happy okay?” His vision blurred. He blinked and felt tears burn tracks down his cheeks.
"Jared, please. Put the gun away. You haven’t done anything that can’t be taken back, anything that's unforgivable."
A little sob bubbled up Jared's throat and out. "Right. Because kidnap and rape are so excusable."
Jensen flinched and it wounded Jared like a lance. "Jared, you’re a good guy, I know you are. If you have problems, if you need help with something, I want to help. Please, put the gun down, come over here, and talk to me. Sit beside me. You can put your head in my lap and tell me about yourself. You can do anything you want, just put the gun down."
Jared looked at Jensen, wanting to see love or concern all he saw was fear. Jensen was so afraid of him. “What I want is to not hurt you anymore. I mean, all I've done is hurt you. I can't do it anymore. I won't.” He turned the gun on himself, pressing the steel barrel tight under his chin.
"Jared, no! For the love of God, stop! Please!” Jensen’s words were thick with tears. "Jared, please. Listen to me. Put the damn gun down. Get in bed with me and we can talk. We can work this out. I can help you. I want to help you. I can even forgive you Jared. I do forgive you."
"It doesn't matter that you can forgive me, Jensen. I can't forgive myself. Look at what I've...I’ve been doing to you. Oh, God!” Jared turned his head as he gagged, feeling bile rising in his throat. All the psychological trauma he had inflicted on Jensen from the rapes and confinement, and he had probably gotten Jensen addicted to the drugs he kept dosing him with, in the lame desperate hope that they would make Jensen fall in love with him...Jensen would never be the same.
“You love me, right? What about me? How am I supposed to deal with the fact that you killed yourself because of me? You want to put that on me? You want me to live the rest of my life with that guilt? Leave me so every time I close my eyes I see you blowing your brains out? Put the gun down.”
Jared hadn’t thought of that. Christ, he can’t even do this right! Jensen is right. Jared doesn’t want Jensen to have to live with more pain than he had already inflicted on him. After all the trauma Jared has inflicted on Jensen, the emotional scars will never heal. He’ll never be able to move on. The damage he’s done to Jensen is too great. He’s violated his body, and polluted his mind with drugs. And for what? Some half-assed misguided attempt to make Jensen fall in love with him.
An idea occurred to him, as repulsive as it was romantic. A way to spare Jensen any further pain, and set both of them free. No one will miss him and while people will mourn for Jensen, they’ll move on. It was an act of mercy. A blessing. A final act of love. A way to right all the wrongs and absolve his sins. In freeing Jensen, he’ll pay his penance as well. It won’t be so bad. They’ll go together.
Jared inched the gun away from his chin.
Jensen gave an encouraging smile. "Yeah, that's good Jared.” Jensen slowly stood up. "Come here.” He opened his arms to Jared. "It'll be okay, now. C'm here."
Jared wanted nothing more than to go to Jensen, be welcomed in his embrace, but Jared knew it would just be a lie. Jensen didn’t love him and never would.
Jared nodded decisively. “You’re right, Jensen. It will be okay.” Summoning all his strength and resolve, he lifted the gun and aimed at Jensen’s heart.
“Jared, no! No! Don—”
The gunshot was loud but drowned out by Jared’s heartrending scream as Jensen fell back onto the bed, a deep red stain blossoming at the center of his still chest, growing larger.
Jensen’s blood.
He’s so lightheaded. His vision swam. He couldn’t breathe. Before he passed out or changed his mind he moved forward in jerky little steps. He all but collapses onto the bed beside Jensen when he reached it. His chest hurt as if he were the one with a bullet buried in it. Soul-deep sobs pour from him as he gathers Jensen in his arms, tucking him close. He’s still warm and pliant. If not for the blood soaking through the sheets, making the hand he had pressed to Jensen’s back slippery with it, Jared could almost believe Jensen was alive. He kissed Jensen once, twice. Ridiculous as it is he finds himself hoping that Jensen will miraculously wake up like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. He pulled back, closed Jensen’s empty staring eyes.
Jared had never been a particularly religious man but he does believe in an afterlife, a place you go and live in your happiest time. His happiest time was here with Paps and Harley, and here with Jensen when he had still been laboring under the delusion that he could make the other man fall for him. Maybe…maybe when it’s all over he and Jensen will be together after all. Paps, hale and hearty, running the farm, Jared with Jensen by his side to help and Harley and Icarus running around. Perfect. Jared closed his eyes, focused on that happy thought as he pressed the gun to his temple. The barrel was still hot and burned him as he squeezed the trigger.
Art Post
Fic Masterpost
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Date: 2014-06-19 02:31 pm (UTC)From: